Dear Creators of the “Grumpy Cat” Movie,
I have a proposal for you.
Now, my first response to the news of this movie was to lament the state of mankind and how it’s deteriorated into this. I would talk, sarcastically, about other possible meme-related films like the coming-of-age story about not having a prom date Forever Alone, and the modern revamp of Dennis The Menace, Trollface.
My second response was to hope that this paves the way for the third Homeward Bound movie that would finally finish up that trilogy: Homeward Bound 3: Mars! (I’m only half kidding about this one.)
But my third and most logical response is to pitch you an idea for the Grumpy Cat movie. I know you’re already set on your Garfield-esque concept, but I think a different route might be better so that your film isn’t, you know, Garfield.
First of all, ditch the idea of it being a family film. Let’s go R-rated, crude comedy with this one, fully taking advantage of how grumpy this grumpy cat is. And how grumpy is he? SO GRUMPY. I can’t stress how important it is that this cat is the grumpiest thing in the world.
Okay, so the plot centers on Colin (Jason Bateman) and Lisa (Maya Rudolph), who are shitty parents. But they’re not shitty parents of children (save that plot line for Grumpy Cat 2: Grumpier Old Cats.) They’re shitty cat parents. They don’t abuse Grumpy Cat, but they feed it bad food and just kind of ignore it. We see the cat start out as a happy kitten and slowly (over the course of the opening credit photo montage, which features the song “Happy Together” by The Turtles) see it develop big eyebrows and a scowl. Colin and Lisa do their best but they’re just inept at caring for things. They do make a sincere effort, so that the climax will make some sense.
So, the cat starts to rebel in typical Grumpy Cat fashion, by peeing on everything, having sex with the couch pillows and by eating everything. Also, we need a scene where it’s looking through the fridge and pushes some lasagna out of the way. This movie is so Garfield that you’re gonna need to take every chance to prove that it isn’t. Dissing lasagna is a good start for this. Also, give him an internal monologue where he states that he loves Monday because it gives him another day of the week to hate.
I forgot to mention the most important part: Jason Statham. He’s the voice of Grumpy Cat. I know a lot of people are thinking more Samuel L. Jackson since Jackson’s film roles are primarily based around eye patches and shouting as of late, but I think Grumpy Cat would benefit from a the voice of a gruff, British martial artist. Plus, Grumpy Cat drops a lot of F bombs, which Statham excels at.
Back to the plot. So, Colin and Lisa are baffled by their cat’s behavior, so much so that they send him to an ANIMAL ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASS. I don’t know if that exists in real life, but it builds to the visual punchline of having Mark Ruffalo be the instructor of it. You know, The Hulk! Angry! Teaching the anger management class! And if Ruffalo has too much self-respect to be seen in this, just get Charlie Sheen because he’s actually in a show called Anger Management and I’m sure he’d be down to tell CGI cats and dogs that they should relax. Also, Grumpy Cat needs to be CGI. He’s very dynamic and that real-animal-with-animated-mouth shit is the devil.
The anger management class does nothing, and ends with the instructor tied up, somehow. I have an idea for a good joke here where the Colin and Lisa are talking about what happened and make mention that they found him gagged with a squeak toy. Then we cut to Grumpy Cat thinking That’s not the only place a squeak toy went!, meaning the instructors ass. The instructor has a squeak toy shoved in his rectum! You can’t get much grumpier than that. I can work on some concept art of this scene if you’d like.
But Colin and Lisa aren’t just bad parents, they’re badly in debt to Vinnie Jones (Vinnie Jones.) He’s a typical criminal who ends up taking Colin and Lisa hostage for ransom, until he figures out that no one will pay for them. That happens sometimes when you reach middle age. You realize that all of your friends and family have distanced themselves and so you spend Christmas day hoping that the phone will ring and it never does. Not even a text. And you slowly begin to create a mental companionship with stuff like the internet. An unhealthy obsession forms and you get lost in this cold, emotional complacency with inanimate objects because nothing real loves you. Nothing loves you.
So Grumpy Cat realizes that Colin and Lisa aren’t all that bad and he uses all of his disaster-making techniques to set them free. Vinnie Jones gets killed, burning alive in a fire somehow, and while Grumpy Cat is leading Colin and Lisa to safety, some bystander takes a photo of him and his grumpy-ass face. Grumpy Cat is a hero and the photo circulates and becomes a meme, just like the popular meme that caused you to form this wonderful movie. Grumpy Cat doesn’t really care much for the attention, but he digs the fact that he can spread hate and grumpiness around the world. Also, the last shot of the film is Grumpy Cat peeing on Jason Bateman’s face. He’s just too goddamn grumpy not to.
For marketing, just use a simple poster of the cat’s face, with the title Grumpy Cat, and tagline “This Isn’t F%^$in’ Garfield” (because it isn’t.) The trailer can feature songs by Macklemore and Ke$ha.
Seth Green plays a veterinarian.
What do you think? As always, I’m open to suggestion.