Transcript From J.R. Liebram’s Press Tour For “Millenials: America’s What?”

As you know, there’s a growing crisis in America called “Millenials.” Now, I know what you’re thinking. What’s a millennial? And why should I care? The millennium was thirteen years ago. X-Men came out in 2000 and that movie was alright. But you should care a lot, because Millenials are all over the place. They’re in your schools, in your workplaces. They could be your sons, your daughters, your grandparents, your friends. They could even be you.

Two main signs that someone is a Millenial is that they are lazy and self-entitled. Did you know that in a poll in TIME magazine, it’s stated that 94% of all Millenials couldn’t even make it to the end of that last sentence before tweeting about how bored they were? Chief Financial Executive CEO of MoneyCorp, the leading money thing in the U.S., is even quoted as saying “Millenials? Hah! Lazy scum!” And he’s probably right.

Did you know that Millenials could be in your schools, talking to your kids. The kids that you pushed out of YOUR loins. Your hard-working loins that you spent time and money and effort perfecting. Millenials will never know a hard day’s loin’s work, what with all their Spotify accounts and Tumblrs and stuff. They’re too busy not getting jobs to get a job! And they need to! Because even though the economy is down, all Millenials do is play on their smart phones! Makes sense, doesn’t it?

They’re in your bathrooms, talking to your kids, spreading the virus of laziness. No kids born sometime between the late 80’s or whatever to whatever have ever done anything worthwhile because they suck. They fucking suck. And their encouraging your shitty kids to suck too? Is this not huge enough to be a call to action for you? You fought in wars! The most a Millenial has ever fought is a Facebooking trending tag, if that’s a thing.

Did you know that 76% of Millenials can’t even spell the word “Millenial?” And that 89% of all Millenials haven’t even seen a John Ford movie? They don’t know what cowboys are! Unless they can download the Cowboys app on their smart phones! (break for laughter/applause) Someone should get on that… (break for more laughter/applause. Adjust skin over cyborg face)

Go to any of your kid’s bedrooms and ask them to go get a job. Ask your eight-year-old daughter to find herself a career right now. She might say “What? or “I’m too young?” If so, murder her, immediately. She’s been poisoned by the Millenial virus. She will be useless in the battle to come.

Edit: Insert clever thing about the Y2K virus actually being the Millenial virus.

We’re raising a bunch of spiritually anemic hacky sacks who are all burning in hell. (Reveal robot face to the crowd) WE WILL NOT LET THIS MENACE CONTROL OUR DESTINIES. GO FORTH AND DESTROY. (lead child murdering charge into the future. Reign over all humanity.)

Millenials: America’s What? will be available in all major book stores.

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