My 7 Favorite Game of Thrones Characters (That Don’t Exist)

The Game of Thrones series has a huge amount of characters, a problem that George R.R. Martin keeps in check through unexpected murder. Every time it seems like there might be a few too many Starks for the human brain to compute, he has them swiftly killed. It’s less of a literary technique and more necessary population control. However, regardless of the size of the cast in Martin’s works, there are characters that I love that you might not recognize. And the reason for that is that they don’t really exist.

So, inspired by the A Song of Ice and Fire series and the recesses of my brain, here are my seven favorite Game of Thrones characters that don’t actually exist.

QUAREN “THE LESS-COOL DWARF” BALANQUIST

After years of being stereotyped for their coin stealing ways and their penchant for being tossed, Tyrion Lannister effectively made dwarves cool again. However, like it is with everything, some parts suck still suck. Not all dwarves exist to deliver snarky quotes and cool philosophies on life. There have to be a few boring ones.

In dreams, I walk with you.

In dreams, I walk with you.

Enter, towards the end of A Clash of Kings, Quaren “The Less-Cool Dwarf” Balanquist. Belonging to the Balanquist family (their banner was ripped up years ago, so no one is quite sure of what it is. Sort of looks like someone’s feet, maybe), he comes to the East, seeking Daenerys Targaryen. He pleaded to become part of Daenerys’ group, because, as he stated “You guys SHOULD be in the business of finding a cool ass dwarf instead of all this throne business.”

Daenerys seemed immediately displeased with him, as she was with most things that are lame, and immediately decided to put his cool assness to the test by suggesting that he steal the short sword from a nearby merchant’s hut. Quaren’s reaction to this request was “They don’t call me Sugar Q for nothin’, babe.”

Quaren picked up the short sword and was almost instantaneously slaughtered by its owner. “The legacy of my familyyyyyyyyy!” Quaren screamed to no one in particular.

You can't prove that this isn't all canon.

You can’t prove that this isn’t all canon.

LADY “DRAGON LADY” TARGARYEN

Frustrated with her inability to find a husband and birth children, the forgotten Targaryen took to raising dragons around her house. She hoarded them, keeping far more dragons than what could be considered a healthy amount. Her hut, its floor covered in dragon feces, shed scales, and the burnt remains of what used to be couches, soon became uninhabitable.

When asked if she would be willing to get rid of some of her dragons, this Targaryen strongly refused. “There’s nothing wrong with me! You’re not gonna take away my babies!” she’d scream at the armed guards who came simply to help her clean up the filth. The dragons increased in size, and it was said that at the height of her mythical hoarding that she had twenty-seven of them in a hut that was barely meant to fit one obsessive-compulsive woman.

No one ever found out what happened to Targaryen, and the last visitor to her house, a Qarth City Health Inspector, saw that the hut was empty upon his visit. The one massive dragon that remained inside, he remarked, seemed to not be very hungry.

MANNY “HORSE FUCKER” CLEGANE

The forgotten Clegane brother was forgotten for a very good reason. He had a tendency to ruin an entire group of horses due to his indescribable lust. He was large, like his family members, but not much was known about his personality. Ned Stark once described him as “constantly trying to have sex with horses,” and his own kin Sandor once spoke of him as “I really, really wish he would stop trying to have sex with all the horses. It’s becoming a problem.”

His helmet was shaped to look like the face of a startled mare, but Manny didn’t get the joke. “It looks like the roaring maw of a dragon!” Manny exclaimed when he received it from the blacksmith. Gregor Clegane nearly cried from laughing so hard.

RODOH

A Feast for Crows is usually considered the weakest book in the series, but I refute this claim as it’s the book that introduces Rodoh, the long-awaited love interest for Hodor. She was big, like him, and had been let down by men before, men who listened to “Rodoh” only with their heads but not with their hearts.

When you live in a world where there’s a high chance that you and all of your friends are going to be slaughtered at once in the next minute, it’s hard to find love. The inhabitants of Westeros, hardened by war and strife, are too caught up in the constant fight to survive that they can’t as the Goo Goo Dolls once said…..let love in. That’s why it’s so special that Hodor, the simple-minded giant, was one of the few in the series to fall deeply and madly in love.

hodor

Hodor

It started with flirting as it usually always does. Hodor would be cleaning out the stable and would turn to see Rodoh, standing in the entrance way and blocking out most of the sunlight with her giant frame. “Hodor” Hodor would say. “Rodoh!” Rodoh would respond. This would go on for hours. Unbeknownst to either of them in the beginning, they had each found their soulmate.

Their eventual love-making was a passionate, tender affair, in stark contrast to the usual What-Doesn’t-Kill-You-Will-Make-You-Stronger style of sex that it so popular among the people of Westeros. Afterward, they would hold each other close and whisper “Hodor” and “Rodoh” to each other until they feel asleep in each other’s arms.

STAR MCLOUD LANNISTER

Beloved Game of Thrones character.

Beloved Game of Thrones character.

A visitor from the Lylat system, who stopped along the way in the land of deviantart to be given armor and in some cases, remarkably terrible genitalia, landed in Winterfell where he was promptly shipped with Catelyn Tully. It didn’t make any logical sense for Catelyn to fall instantly for the Arwing-flying freak of nature, but she did. It made even less sense for her to cheat on her husband with him, and in a particularly poorly-worded section of the spin-off series “Storm Of Swords 64”, they went on a great amount of adventures.

Eventually Krystal, Fox’s former romantic interest, discovered this. The book described this scene with “Mcloud watchd the two women stared at eachother with hate. He was straight like a fox, but he couldnt help but but to like what he was seeing. It weas like one of those movie that he had watched when he was just a teenageer so he smiled and mutered under his breath “Cat fight? More like fox fight.”

SOGDA, THE ARTISTIC WILDLING

Sogda’s family had always been known for their aggressive hunting skills and football trophies. Sogda’s brothers had all played the sport in Free Folk high school and had all been accepted into Beyond The Wall University Of Senseless, Anarchic Killing And Design in order to play for the fine team there. But Sogda wasn’t gifted athletically like his brothers Mogda and Mogda 2. Sogda would rather spend time inside, drawing, a talent that he was just okay at.

Sogda’s father, Mogda Sr., didn’t see a future in the scribbles his son made on the drying hides of bucks. “We’re a family of hunters and trackers and always have been! You’re going to go on hunts with us, but first, you’re gonna march right up to Coach D’for, and you’re gonna tell him that you want to try out for the team!” Sogda fought back with “No, Dad! I hate football and I hate hunting. I want to draw! I’m good at it. Why can’t you see that?”

“Go to your room!” Mogda Sr. screamed at him, a scream which echoed around the one-room tent. “You’re going to be a football slash hunting star like everyone else in this family!” Sogda took the massive antlers, the only family heirloom that he had that wasn’t stained in the blood of helpless forest wanderers, and smashed it on the floor. He ran out of the tent. “Come back here!” Mogda Sr. yelled after him.

That season of Game of Thrones eventually ended with Sogda pulling an unconscious Mogda Sr. out of a burning tent. After that, Mogda Sr. gave his son the respect that Sogda had always desired.

Gandalf

Finally putting to rest a million conversations about which series was better or more relevant, Gandalf appeared in a Gamestop in King’s Landing and exclaimed to the people inside “You awful nerds! It doesn’t matter which is better. Enjoy them both for their own merits!” A man from the crowd shouted “BUT WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT: A WHITE WALKER OR A NAZGUL?!?” and Gandalf’s argument was immediately shattered.

Gandalf is displeased with all of you.

Gandalf is displeased with all of you.

-Daniel

Like Daniel is funny on Facebook!

Advertisements

2 responses to “My 7 Favorite Game of Thrones Characters (That Don’t Exist)

  1. Pingback: I wonder? | Blissfulblurbs·

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s