I have never seen a complete episode of Doctor Who, but that doesn’t stop me from putting them in a family reunion scenario based completely around how they appear. Steven Spielberg has maybe met one Dilophosaurus in his whole life, if that. But he still made Jurassic Park.
Here are all twelve doctors, and your interactions with them at the community center that you’ve chosen to host your family reunion at. You can thank me for the amazing imaginative journey when you’re finished.
“Heh, I hate to be a bother, but I cannot, for the life of me, find the bathroom. That door, I know, leads to the attic, and your mother said that it was down the hall, to the right, but that just leads to a closet. Oh, thank you. Very, very appreciated.”
“No, no, me and Julie, we’re taking a bit of a break right now. I mean, in the long term, I think it’s what’s best for us. I mean, she has work and I’ve been needing to finish this book of mine. So we’ll sort it out and see where we are in a few months. No, we’re still very, very much in love. We just need a bit of a break, what with me at home all the time, and her taking care of the kids. Oh, I’m sure a publisher will come around. The Easter Island stories are pretty big, and I think I have an interesting take on them.”
“Now, you’re from Brooklyn, is that correct? Because I’d always heard that Brooklyn was originally a part of New Jersey, back before the city was even established. Oh, I just thought it was all Brooklyn. I didn’t know that there were different sectors of it. Now, hold on, let me finish my question. Was it originally a part of New Jersey, because, and I think I read this somewhere, that New Jersey was owned by the British and Brooklyn was a sort of….well, there’s no need to get up in arms about it. It’s just something I heard.”
“Sneak a flask or two into my Introduction to Stage Design class, you know. Oh, don’t let them tell you that a degree in theatre won’t get you anywhere. The (gulp), the stage presence, the charisma that you… that you bring can help you out in job interviews. It can help you out in…in interactions with other people. Some might say that it’s useless, but I disagree entirely. Look, I think, and this is just what I think, I think that you should try to enjoy where you’re at. Drink and be merry and all that.”
“You told them I had a boat? Oh, jesus, well, am I pink? Well, you shouldn’t have told them! Okay, fine, fine. For years I wanted a boat, but I just thought, Jeez, you know? The things are so darn expensive. Well, I have a buddy of mine, who sails up and down the coast, just up and down the uh, the Atlantic rim…yeah, oh yeah, it’s beautiful. So, so my friend, he says “My wife wants to move back to Colorado, be with her folks. My branch has offices there, so I can just pick up and move.” And he asks me, he goes “Do you want the boat?” Can you believe that? No, no pay. Nothing. Totally free. The only cost was buying dock space. Best purchase I never made, hahaha!”
“Well, I’m sort of between jobs right now. I just got an interview for a Marketing Assistant job, which I think will go really well, because for a summer, between Freshman and Sophomore year, I worked as a cashier over at Whole Foods, you know the one on Merriman Avenue, so I have practice selling things to people. No, but really, I’m just trying to save up right now, and work on my small business again. What was that? Oh, it’s an art supply store, but the materials are made completely out of turtle shells. It’s a very intricate process, and it take quite a while to actually dissolve the shells into fluid.”
“This family has had generations and generations of liars and cheaters and general bloody malcontents. We, you and I, are both products of that. Why I drink? Family. Why I gamble? Family. Nature or nurture, you know what I’m saying? And we’re helpless in the face of it. If I were you, I’d run, and don’t let them know that I told you this, but move far, far away. Send me a card once a year, and I’ll be alright. But get in your car and drive to California or something. You’re helpless here.”
“How I did that…now listen…how I did that, was that I tucked the quarter underneath the very, very tip of my sleeve. And I curve my hand like this, so when I pick it out of your hair, it just drops, boop, into my palm, like that. Here, you try it. Ah, you’re not wearing long sleeves. Nevermind. Wait, is that Monty? Well, look at you, Monty! You’re looking spry as ever! How’s Julie?”
“One hundred percent change. No, I’m done with all that. No more drugs, no more negativity. No, I went to the book store the other day, and they didn’t have any books on getting out of prison, obviously, but I got this one…ummm…this one called, I think it was called Twelve Tips For Starting Over, or something. I don’t know. I’ll let you borrow it. I’m staying at my friend’s place for right now, but I’m really turning around. Big plans.”
“No, she uh, she looks fine. No, well, hold on, let me see a picture of her again. How long have you been dating? And where did she say she’s from? No, she probably just looks really similar to Andrea. I severely doubt that we dated the same person. Well, let me see it again. No, no, I think they just look a lot alike. God, that is, that is weird.”
“I used to have to comb it. No, there’s no gel. Like, it sounds insane, but I just wake up like this. I don’t know. We’ll just have to see how fast it grows, I guess.”
“I have been to Spain, and it is beautiful this time of year. If you ever get the chance, take off work and go to Merida. No, it’s pronounced Mare-ree-dah. Say it after me. Mare-ree-dah. Well, in Merida, they have this bridge called the Puente Romano, and it’s the longest Roman bridge still standing. You know what I’m talking about, right? Oh, I forgot. Easter Island, right. But when you get out early enough, and you watch the sun slowly wash over different portions of the bridge, it’s transcendent. Merida. Mare-ree-dah.”