Coming October 12th to the Nintendo 3DS, is the newest installments in the hit Pokemon franchise: Pokemon X and Pokemon Y! Considering that it’s hub for most things in the modern universe, danielsfunny.com has received the lowdown on six new, never-before-seen Pokemon that will be included in the game.
Height: Taller than you.
Weight: Five pounds less than you.
Bio: Radchu does not obey Trainers. He follows the beat of his own drum. If you ask him to help you, he might, but only if he feels like it. Don’t get near him, as his electric shock will paralyze you and attract nearby cheerleaders.
Evolves: From Pikachu, at level whenever he fucking feels like it.
Ability: Ignore (Attacks don’t hurt Radchu. If he’s gonna cry, it’ll be on the inside)
Move Set: Thunderbolt, Iron Tail, Sneer, Vague Text Reply
Height: 76 ft, 4 in
Weight: 28,000 lbs
Bio: Spectragon is a legendary Pokemon only available through a Toys “R” Us exclusive Wifi event. If you’re not willing to stand in line with little kids at seven in the morning, you’ll never get to use him. If you do use him, your friends will accuse you of cheating. “That’s not fair!” they’ll cry. “But…but…” you’ll plead. Can control time itself. Fills in some backstory.
Evolves: From nothing.
Ability: Important (Spectragon is more important than (insert opposing Pokemon))
Move Set: Hyper Beam, Dragon Rage, Apocalypse Destroy Everything Bomb, Leer
Height: 3 ft
Weight: 22 lbs
Bio: Looks a lot like a trash can. Probably a trash can.
Evolves: It’s a trash can. Yep, definitely a trash can.
Ability: Homeless (Whenever Ghrost comes into battle, you receive an item that you’ve already used once before)
Move Set: Hypnosis, Dream Eater, Sweet Scent, Rollout
Height: 5 ft, 6 in
Weight: 240 lbs
Bio: It’s Wario, from the Mario series! Does this make sense? Absolutely not! Known to lurk behind buildings, grimacing at people. Exceedingly lonely. Nintendo brand cross promotion. Cute at first, but forgettable in the long run.
Evolves: From Mario, when you use the Moon Stone.
Ability: Limited (Easy to replace in your party. Not really useful in battle)
Move Set: Mega Punch, Bite, Poison Gas, Rage
Height: However tall twenty bees are
Weight: Many Bees
Bio: Terrifies everyone. Does not stay in Pokeball. Instead, stays in the Trainer’s hand. If the Trainer loses a battle, toss Handfulofbees into opponents face. Run.
Evolves: From Vespiquen, at level 38.
Ability: EpiPen (Is it in your pocket? Oh, God…Oh, God, breathe….I can’t find the pen…I can’t find the pen, I’m sorry….I love you, I’m sorry…stay with me, honey)
Move Set: Bees to the face
Bio: An abomination of evolution. God did not mean for this to happen. Constantly in pain. Put it out of its misery. It will understand.
Evolves: Voltorb cries out. Something is wrong. It wasn’t supposed to hurt like this.
Ability: Fundamentalist Christian Ammo (Will be used in a sermon to show why Pokemon is a creation of the Devil)
Move Set: Weep, Ponder Existence, Note To Family, Selfdestruct