Halloween Spectactathon!: Leatherface Vs. Tumblr

For a long time, I wondered what the Texas Chainsaw Massacre would be like if it was Linkin Park. And for a long time, the earth didn’t have a special system for effectively taking things that you love and shoving them face first into the ass of things that you hate. We had deviantART, but that required too much actual searching. Why couldn’t I just have things that I absolutely loathe delivered to me by my own friends?

And then Tumblr came around, and all my questions were answered.

In case you didn’t know, the fairly recent Texas Chainsaw 3D set out to squash any rumors that the series was a horror one. Instead, it was this sad story of sadistic, inbred, hillbilly cannibals that just wanted to torture and eat people and be left alone. Sadly, a lot of Texans didn’t sit too well with the idea of their acquaintances being hung on meat hooks, so they massacred the cannibals. I know that this plot SEEMS ludicrous, as if it was propaganda written by a family of cannibals themselves, but it makes perfect sense. The Chainsaw family were the main characters. It’s only natural that they’d be redemptive in the dumbest way possible.

*shoulder pat*

*shoulder pat*

It sucks that Chainsaw 3D sucked so bad, because I feel like Tumblr would’ve really appreciated this movie. Tumblr is great at finding grey areas in things that might not even logically exist. A man could get attacked by a shark that walks on land and Tumblr would respond with “ummm he needs to check his man who gets attacked by a shark with two legs privilege okay thanks.” You’d think that Tumblr would watch Chainsaw 3D and find positive light in the plight of the Sawyer family and their homicidal mental disorders. However, any store shelf that carries Chainsaw 3D is also, legally, a landfill, so people know to stay away.

This picture focuses on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, part of the remake set of films that Platinum Dunes put out in 2003 and 2006. In these movies, Leatherface is also sympathetic, but less in a completely, completely unbelievably laughable kind of way, and more in a way that’s actually easy to stomach. He’s got birth defects, the person who acts like his mother says that he used to get picked on at school, he’s weird, and doesn’t like to eat dinner with his family. Tumblr can get behind that, because at least three of those four things have to be checked off before a person can even register for a Tumblr account.

LEATHERFACE LONELY

“I thought getting rid of them would make me feel better.”

I’m totally in favor of the first line on top. Chainsaw murderin’ would make a fella feel better, especially if those people who was being murderedin’ were threatenin’ to run away and go blabbin’ to the law enforcemen’ about their whole dang cannibal operationin’.

 “But at the end of the day, all it did was make me feel more alone in the world.”

Maybe? I assume that when you wear other people’s dried, stitched faces on your own face, you might get pretty lonely. It’s hard to go into the Middle Of Nowhere Texas Gas And Barbecue with some unlucky teenager on your mug. People don’t take you as seriously as you might like, especially in the socializing department.

But I have my doubts that killing people, the thing that Leatherface apparently, for the sake of this picture, thought would make him feel better, actually makes him feel worse. I don’t think Leatherface has that much irony in him. He doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who gets done with a hard days hammering into people’s skull, only to realize “Damn, maybe I shouldn’t have thrust a chainsaw into the chest of that kid in the wheelchair. He seemed like a mighty fine conversationalist.”

But I’ll give you this one, Tumblr. Maybe you’re right. Maybe Leatherface IS akin to the guy whose problems I tried to replicate in tenth grade.

“You don’t want to get too close to me, man. You might get hurt.” – Emotionally Complicated Tenth Grade Leatherface

Daniel

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One response to “Halloween Spectactathon!: Leatherface Vs. Tumblr

  1. Pingback: 14 Oscar Categories More Necessary Than “Best Actor” | Daniel is funny·

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