Emails from Dracula

(If there is any time that it would be okay to publish jokes about a classic novel written in 1897, it’s in October.)


Dear Mina,

Hey, did you get my text? You didn’t reply back, and that’s cool. I knew you were pretty busy lol taking care of Lucy and stuff. If you get the chance tho, call me back. Im gonna be hanging out at my castle and I just wanted to chat.

The best,


SUBJECT: The Arrival Of Darkness Into London

Yo, Renfield. Hey, we’re still cool about me crashing at your place when I come to London?  I was just making sure, haha. I don’t want to sleep in that coffin on the boat any more than I have to. Just let me know. A couch is okay.

The best,

Count Dracula, Your Immortal Master



No, dude. It’s totally cool for you to come hang out. I am NOT a vampire lmfao. I don’t know who told u that, but Im seriously not a vampire. I bought a shit ton of wine for you to drink when you get here so we can throw down. I also got vodka for me, because Im not a wine guy. But you know that.

NOT A VAMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




SUBJECT: Please don’t ignore me

Hey, Mina. Please answer back. I’m really sorry if I did anything weird. I just love you a lot and I think we should be together forever. I just feel like it’s right, ya know? I don’t know. I think if you just gave me the chance, I think I could make you super happy.

This castle is just really lonely. I mean, I have those brides but they’re just a replacement for you. Im lost without you. Being a vampire is great and I think u would really like it.

Just call me back, okay? I just want to hear your voice.


SUBJECT: Booty Call

Are u still coming over tonight? Im gonna go get dinner on some townsfolk but it would be cool if you stopped by. I have some wine if you want some and we can fool around and see where it goes from there. You or any of the brides would be okay.


Helsing. Don’t talk shit about stuff that you don’t know anything about. I know youre a professor, but you don’t know me or anything about my life, so I suggest you stop before I consume you along with all of London.

This is just a warning. Im sure we can still be bros after this, but you need to step off.

Count Dracula

SUBJECT: Frustrated

Mina, please email me back.

If you met another dude, you can tell me. I mean it sucks, because I thought we were gonna be together, but the heart wants what the heart wants. I get that.

Im coming to London in a few weeks and I think we should hang out and catch up. I promise it wont be weird.

Your friend (and hopefully, one day, more)



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