Once again, I’d like to thank you, Focus Features and Michael De Luca Productions, for your interest in having me play Christian Grey in your upcoming film adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey. I am honored. I hope you gave Charlie Hunnam a fruit basket or an iPad or something. He may have left the production quickly, but he will be in our thoughts for at least another day or two. And as you know, one Twitter day is seven days in real time.
To show that I am thoroughly prepared to portray this classic literary character, and represent you with the utmost loyalty, I have taken the time to gather a few pictures that you may use when you inevitably re-release the book to coincide with the movie. You always do this. At first, the book has a simple, artistic cover and then, when the movie comes out, you slap the actors on them so that people don’t have to imagine what the characters look like anymore.
I chose pictures that most represent what the Christian Grey character is about: charisma, sexuality, and power.
The first picture is me holding a bird. Look at the power I have, as I hold the bird. That bird knows I am boss. When you Photoshop this image to create the book cover, you have my permission to replace the bird with some whips or a ball gag or something. It will have the same effect.
The second picture was taken when I had to be Master of Ceremonies at a fashion show. I forgot a jacket, so my friend’s Dad let me borrow his. It didn’t fit at all, but you wouldn’t know that from the all the charisma that I oozed, staining the jacket so much that the entire audience was lost in how cool I was. You can replace the microphone with a belt, or some chains.
The third picture is of me and a cute dog. I don’t have any model shots to portray me doing anything sexually provocative, but people love dogs. Don’t Photoshop anything over the dog. As I said, people love them.
I hold the character of Christian Grey very close to my heart, and it’s because of this that I make certain demands about him and the film itself. None of these demands are meant to compromise the film in any way, and since you have offered me a handsome sum of a trillion dollars to play Mr. Grey, I will allow you the choice of nullifying one of these terms (outside of the ones specified as “NON-NEGOTIABLE.”) Like Christian, I am a benevolent soul, despite my super-fine exterior. I have only the best intentions in mind.
First, I don’t know what 50 Shades of Grey means. Is it like the shades of his moral character? See, that might go over some of the audience’s head. Therefore, we shall change the name of the film to Sex Castle. (NON-NEGOTIABLE)
Second, I want another parrot and a dog, trained and ready to be friends with one another. I have had one experience with parrots and dogs each, and I know them to be great creatures, full of joy. They shall be given to my on the first day of shooting, and the dog will make an appearance in the film, adding comic relief to a few scenes. For example, he might poop on my suit, or bark at me, but be super nice to my girlfriend. I am a joke writer, so I have tons of ideas. (NON-NEGOTIABLE)
Third, Jurassic Park 3D will play in the background of every sex scene. (NON-NEGOTIABLE)
For the fourth term, I would like to play up some of the BDSM aspects of the film that you feel may be a little too hardcore for the general public. Sex Castle deserves to be as raw and emotional as it can be. So, in addition to the fantastic film directed by Steven Spielberg playing while I bang my co-star, I want to wear knight’s armor. If the clanging of the metal becomes too loud to hear all the emotion that occurs when two people have sex, just turn up the volume on the TV. (NON-NEGOTIABLE)
Fifth, in order to further my career as an A-List actor/action hero after the filming of Sex Castle, I would like a scene where I do bicep curls. To accommodate this sudden change in the script, I have written the scene out for you here:
INT: DANIEL GREY’S WORKOUT GYM
We see DANIEL (Christian) working out, doing multiple bicep curls. A few shots will be in slow motion. (NON-NEGOTIABLE)
ANA enters. She looks impressed and filled with intense lust.
What are you doing?
DANIEL does not pause his routine.
(like The Rock)
Multiple bicep curls.
“Dragula” by Rob Zombie begins to play. DANIEL quickly turns on the TV, fast forwards to the scene where the T-Rex first breaks free, slips into his evening knight wear, and has sex with ANA, while still doing bicep curls. The camera pans down his flexing arm. DO NOT SHOW HIS TRICEPS. I HAVEN’T HAD THE CHANCE TO WORK ON THOSE IN A WHILE.
FADE TO BLACK
Sixth, I would like different women to play Ana. Despite what you may think, this is a good idea, as it will cause the film to do better in international markets, and people will appreciate the film’s attempt at diversity. A white girl is fine for the first third of the film, but for the rest of it, I would like Ana to be played by a beautiful Brazilian woman, and, in the climax, four Asian twins. (NEGOTIABLE, BUT MUST BE APPROVED OF BEFOREHAND BY ME)
I hope that you find these terms to be suitable, as I will not be appearing in the film without them. Once again, thank you for choosing me to play Christian Grey, and I’ll see you all on the set of Sex Castle! (And, should the film do well, the sets of The Lost World: Sex Castle, and Escape From Sex Mountain.) (NON-NEGOTIABLE)