Good afternoon, fellow social monarchs.
In July of 2011, I wrote a list of twelve facts that, if used correctly, could make you cooler than your mediocre friends. It caught on like wildfire. Groups of people, bonded by years of experience and personal connections, suddenly became lopsided. Suddenly, one person, the person who had read and was willing to share those twelve facts, skyrocketed in popularity. They were the talk of the town, and the person receiving the toast at every party. And if you’re reading this, you can thank me whenever you want, Kanye.
Then, in February of 2012, I struck again, adding twelve more precious facts to the world. I applied glue to the fabric of history itself and stuck on a little extra happenings. This new twelve was less about thrusting yourself into the stratosphere of likability, and more about maintaining the status quo. When you “rule,” and if you’re seeing this sentence this, you do, you gotta make sure that everything you take part in only adds to the power that you possess. Your planet is an ever expanding one, constantly drawing in lesser friends to orbit around you.
Some of you own countries – whole countries. Some of you have invented time travel. One of you owns Microsoft. You’re all in good company, and it’s all due to the first twenty-four facts.
But how would you like to become a god?
The only next step is to become a deity. I know that omnipotence seems out of reach, and I don’t blame you for thinking like a weakling. They say that you need to reach for the stars, but what about reaching FOR EVERYTHING? It’s the only step to take with all that you’ve accomplished so far. Don’t be scared. You can only exist in this crumbling physical cosmos for so long. It’s time to transcend. And with these next twelve facts, not only will your normal blood cells be replaced by constellations, but the next time you play bar trivia, everyone will be like “Damn, person who reads the internet too much, I had no idea that Bob Dylan actually wrote that song! And you can teleport!?!”
Fact One: The Australopithecus were actually the first animals to ever invent rhythm, and later, music. While there is no way to possibly listen to the sounds that they made, the track list for an early Australopithecus album Some Rocks has been found, which included such tracks like “I Beat On A Rock” and “Holy Shit! Thumbs!”
Fact Two: The first animals that man ever attempted to domesticate were scorpions because, as written in the journal of Lucas McEyre, “They have such pretty tails.” This foray into companionship ended in constant disaster.
Fact Three: The highest pitched, and therefore most annoying noise in the range of human hearing is the sound of a Starbucks barista saying someone else’s order.
Fact Four: Upon completion of a Master’s degree in English, students are flogged forty times by their professors, with whips made of tightly woven dollar bills. It is a symbolic gesture, with the welts all too literally becoming the closest thing to money that the graduates will ever see in rest of their lives.
Fact Five: Every American author who has written in post-1974 America is actually a pseudonym of Stephen King. This explains why, at the end of every book tour, Nicolas Sparks screeches “My face mask! It’s coming unglued!” And it also explains why I’m telling you to go out and buy Dr. Sleep, the long-awaited sequel to The Shining, right now.
Fact Six: The typing font “Calibri” was created by Terry Calibri, who, unsurprisingly, was a huge wimp.
Fact Seven: Horses sleep twenty-three hours out of the day, meaning that you should get off your sleep-walking horse before you get seriously injured.
Fact Eight: The first draft of the Declaration of Independence was actually written by Aaron Burr, who was known to be very emotionally unstable, and would later shoot Alexander Hamilton. The letter was short and consisted of “Do somethin’. I dare you.” repeated eight times, and then a crude drawing of himself giving the middle finger.
Fact Nine: Pokemon X and Y were recently released, and have sold over four million copies. This is leaps and bounds better than the last releases, which undersold miserably: Pokemon Salmon Pink and Pokemon Ummm…Mocha.
Fact Ten: The name “tomato” is only a recent invention. For years, they were referred to as either “Throwin’ Apples” or “Big, Dumb Grapes.”
Fact Eleven: The last time any person has ever liked something un-ironically was in 2005, when a young boy from South Carolina exclaimed “I love push pops!”
Fact Twelve: The occupation with the highest amount of quitting is Christmas wrapping paper creator. When asked why this is, Ted Boll, manager of That’s A Wrap! Industries tearfully responded “What’s the point? They’re just going to throw it in the trash anyway.”
I look forward to seeing you and your thrones made of moon dust.