Pictures with words written below them have taught us that simply looking at mountains or clouds or rivers can be inspirational. Before you put “Integrity” under it, I would’ve just assumed that it was a nice shot of a lake. Now, whenever I look at some horses or a canyon, I become a better person. The common man might see a glacier and go no deeper than that, but he is mistaken. When I see a glacier, I think Ahhhh…Confidence.
Maybe that’s what Kanye West is aiming for here in his video for “Bound 2”, a title that indicates that this is either a sequel to a song that I’ve never heard before, or Kanye West is replacing the word “to” with the number “2,” like it’s a The Fast And The Furious movie. I hope it’s the first, as I’d love to know that there was something so like this video, that they felt the need to recreate it.
The opening thirty seconds is full of stunning vistas and things to improve your personality. There’s even a bird in it, because birds have wings and can fly so high, you know, like where your perception of self should be. It’s also at the Moment of Bird where you ask yourself “Is this for real? Because this is the worst thing ever. If you handed Kanye a one dollar bill, he’d think that he suddenly invented time travel. He has to be able to afford more than that now. ” The bird is special effects by means of someone gluing a picture of a bird on top of the film itself. For those looking to replicate the amazing sights you witness in “Bound 2,” you don’t need to hire any professionals. Simply print out pictures of the Rocky Mountains, Kanye West, and Kim Kardashian, and shuffle them in your hands really fast.
For the background beat, it sounds like Kanye West took a song sample and filtered it through the screeching ass of a frog. The lyrics to the sample are surprisingly easy to learn, and can be boiled down to:
Uh huh, honey.”
I imagine that the “Uh huh, honey” is there to remind you that you are still watching the video, a psychological study in the violent clash between a bored rapper and a loop of unused nature documentary footage. Every part of this video is so meaningless that editing it wouldn’t even earn you points in a Participation grade. The only plausible use for it is screening it in a doctor’s office before a person signs their waiver for a lobotomy.
With lyrics like “…Brad re-Pitt-ation,” it’s easy to see why Kanye West is one of the most popular musicians alive today. I assume that this song is about his love for Kim Kardashian, but before he did that, he had to make it a song about himself. His wardrobe, a collection of hobo corpses found in a dumpster behind Urban Outfitters, speaks volumes. If you convinced your friend that plaid shirts were hot dogs, knowing that your friend fucking loved hot dogs, this music video is what the coroner would vacuum from the stomach of your stupid, dead friend.
It’s difficult to fathom what a rapper’s girlfriend looks like, much less a rapper’s fiancé. Fairly little is ever said in the romantic sense about them, so you assume that they were so talented at being covered in champagne that they were deemed marriage-worthy. You can see the passion of the relationship though, as Kanye allows her to take off her top AND straddle him on a motorcycle. That way, when police examine the wreckage, they can file it as “Accident Caused By Blind Spot. Highly Erotic. Also, Breasts.”
I spent most of this song waiting for Kim’s rapper alter-ego “Karda$h” to appear, but I was disappointed. Then again, that’s expecting far too much from Kim Kardashian, a woman so viciously lifeless that she doesn’t show up on heat sensors. This is a rap video, so asking for some kind of performance from the female co-star is akin to asking a country music singer to perform his song only in front of his tailgate, and never on top, but Kim’s motivation here seems to be “Weekend At Bernies’, only as you.” When North West is old enough to bring Kim to school to explain her job, she’ll dump the contents of her purse on a desk and burst into tears.
Since Kanye West treats jokes like the subject of an exorcism, saying that “Bound 2” is self-aware is probably out of the question. Regardless, after the reception of this video, a lot of camera operators and editors are going to be updating one of the End Dates on their LinkedIn profiles very soon.