Where does snow come from? What the hell is it? Is it water? Is it ice? Is it tiny melt rocks? No one knows the answer to any of these questions for certain, but we are slowly learning how to fight it.
Due to it being winter, snow is going to appear with increasing frequency. It might even appear, like a murderer, at night WHILE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE ASLEEP. Don’t be caught unprepared when winter weather strikes. Use these tips to help prepare you for the most awful fucking time of your life.
Snow Tip 1: Pray to the sun. The sun might not be a god, but it also totally might be. Make sacrifices to it. Promise it your next daughter. Bathe yourself in its heat and compliment it when you can. Better safe than sorry.
Snow Tip 2: Don’t go outside. Science has proven that the abundance of snow in the air makes the air colder, and cold can hurt the human body. Toboggans sometimes work, but do you really want to take that chance? Keep yourself safe and stay behind bolted doors. If you do need to go outside, create a snow escape plan with your family. Mark all the exits of the house and seal them extra tightly, with the exception of the one that you want to crawl out of to go into the snow, you moron.
Snow Tip 3: Snow proof your car. Fill your seats with ice cubes and put chains in your gas tank. Get your car ready for the winter through intense training. Make it accustomed to the harshness of life. No one escapes the snow unscathed.
Snow Tip 4: Keep a lot of canned food stored in the basement/cellar. Don’t eat any of it. Just sorta look at it, and tell yourself that you’re prepared. Middle School Tae Kwon Do and Boy Scout knot tying classes have taught us that the number one way to be ready for anything is to think you’re ready for it.
Snow Tip 5: Buy boots that are four sizes too big. Polar bears will see your large footprints and will leave you alone to track weaker humans with smaller foot sizes. Haha, those stupid, big, dumb bears.
Snow Tip 6: Blow up a police vehicle! Anarchy! Rob your friends! It’s snow city, and that means there’s s-no rules! When it snows, it becomes like The Purge. Trust me on this one. If it’s snowing, you can just walk into a Best Buy, pick up the largest TV available, and all the employees can tell you is to have a nice day. Ruin everything you see.
Don’t build snowmen, or sip hot chocolate. Be afraid. You can’t stop Mother Nature. She is furious, and you’re only in her way.