12 Workout Tips From A Beginner, For Beginners

Starting a workout plan is hard, but as someone who did it yesterday, for the first time, by himself, I can promise you that it is possible! All you need to do is set goals for yourself. I decided that I wanted to have massive arms in a short time, but after not getting them yesterday, I decided that working out isn’t really worth it for me. So, I quit. But you don’t have to.

These are twelve exercises that I did yesterday that are absolutely almost proven to harden your cores and ‘bliques. I’ve provided a description of each, along with an explanation of what body parts they help, and how many sets and repetitions you should do before giving up, like me.

Elbow_Skin

Pull Your Body Parts

Before starting this intensive workout, you should pull on your body parts some in order to make them prepared for the assault. Grab your foot and lift it backwards. Pretend your foot is the tail of a scorpion and pull on it, yelling “I’m strong like a scorpion.” Reach down and touch your toes. If you cannot bend that far, simply touching your stomach will do.

Body Parts: All of them. The best part about the human body is that it is primarily elastic. You can pull on it, and it won’t break. I tried for twenty minutes and I have just as many fingers as I did when I started.

Sets & Reps: All of them.

Earth Thrusters

Beach your whale all over the floor and then put your hands under you, bottoms down. Then press down so hard that your whole body is forced to come up. Then let go and fall back to the floor, thrusting your groin into the earth.

Body Parts: Top Half Of Body

Sets & Reps: 1 Set

Gravity Defiers

God doesn’t want you to know about these, because they defy Newton’s Law. Grab your shower rod, and with both hands, raise yourself up, defying gravity himself. Buy new shower rod.

Body Parts: Arms

Sets & Reps: 1 Rep

Zumba

I don’t know what a “zumba” is. Is it like a maraca? People seem to dig it.

Body Parts: Legs (?)

Sets & Reps: No idea.

Fun!

Fun! Parties!

Sitting Up

Lay on your butt side and try to pick your head up. For added difficulty, raise your knees and roll back and forth like a millipede.

Body Parts: Belly

Sets & Reps: Damn. 30? That sounds like a solid amount.

Really Fast Walking

You know how walking goes, dummy. Do the appropriate leg and arm motions, except really fast. You’ll find yourself moving much quicker than usual.

Body Parts: Knees.

Sets & Reps: N/A

bloodspot

Punching The Air

Punch the air.

Body Parts: Fists of fire.

Sets & Reps: Bloodsport.

Oh, Your Butt Is Almost On The Ground, Oops, Now It Isn’t

Stand, facing whatever wall you want to. Then slowly lower your butt to the floor, taunting the floor. And then, just before your butt hits the ground, pull it back up. Flirt with the floor a little bit. Tease it. You might want it, floor, but you aint getting any of this nookie.

Body Parts: Above knees, but below belly.

Sets & Reps: As much as the human butt can handle.

Oh, Your Butt Is Almost On The Ground, Oops, Now It Isn’t (In The Air)

Grab your chair. Now grab another chair. Put your feet on one of them and your hands on the other. Now, focusing on attaining women, lower your butt toward the floor. But, like the last workout, pull it back up at the last second. This is the hardest workout because it forces you to not only find one piece of stable furniture in your house, but two!

Body Parts: The butt side of your arms.

Sets & Reps: Don’t do these. Too hard.

Almost Jumps

Make your body think that it’s about to do a jump. Then change your mind halfway through the jump and stay with your feet on the ground. That way, it’s only painful for your ankles and that embarrassing flesh above it.

Body Parts: See description.

Sets & Reps: I can do these all day, ladies. All. Fucking. Day.

Body X’s

Take your legs and push ‘em out. At the same time, raise your arms and push ‘em out. Oh, and be standing for this. Then reverse it. Then reverse that. Then reverse that.

Body Parts: Most.

Sets & Reps: Like, a hundred.

What the hell, and why?

What the hell, and why?

Flexes

Turn into a human rock. Look in mirror.

Body Parts: Disappointment.

Sets & Reps: Stop.

-Daniel

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