Hey, males. I know that you’ve all read things about the types of women that you should and shouldn’t date when you’re in your twenties, because nothing can ruin your twenties more than the crippling self-doubt that requires you read lists detailing who you should and shouldn’t date in the first place. Things like “5 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Date A Sorority Girl” and “7 Things That Suck About Dating A Model.” Well, as someone who has met about a hundred sorority girls and is currently surrounded by a group of laughing, excited, twerking models, let me be the first to tell you that you can date the shit out of them, if you want. Date them to your heart’s content. Hell, marry them, if you feel so inclined.
I have managed to compile a list of the types of women that you REALLY shouldn’t date in your twenties. I mean, seriously, don’t date these girls. Don’t date them so hard that you literally “un-date” them, a word that loosely translates to “screaming.” These are the types of women that will ruin your life, and more importantly, ruin your twenties. Twenties. Twenties. Twenties. You’re in your mid-twenties.
1. Women Who Arrive At Your Door, Covered In Blood, With No Backstory
These are the types that usually can be found muttering “I killed him…” or begging you to either follow them back out into the forest or find a place to hide. Umm, Stage 5 Clinger much? Where did all that blood come from? Whose blood is it? Why does she have so many knives? What was that scream that you just heard from deep in the woods?
What may be an interesting start to a survival horror video game doesn’t bode well for real life when you have Netflix queues to catch up with. Kick these manic just-manic dream girls to the curb, or at least back out to the highway, where they can hitchhike their way into someone else’s potential night terrors.
2. Wonder Woman
She isn’t real. If you’re dating a Wonder Woman, you’re either lying or stuck in a deep rooted coma that isn’t going to end. Your mother is currently weeping for you. Don’t do that to her. Pull your own plug and break up with the Amazon princess. You don’t have to worry about breaking her heart. She has Legions of Doom to fight.
3. Women With Four Arms And Four Legs
Multiple extra limbs might make them seem like a deity from Hindu culture, but this is America, where the only Spider-Man is a guy who looks like a white man, just like you and me. Sure, the sex might be great, and she can multi-task like you wouldn’t believe, but are you really going to be able to introduce a girl with so many spider-esque qualities to your mom and dad?
The bar scene is full of them, quadruple fisting drinks and waiting for you to come and introduce yourself. It’s perfectly okay to leave these girls hanging…by the threads of their webs! You can use that one if you want.
4. The Dead
I get it, guys. You’re at a big party, chugging a few drinks and throwing back shots, when suddenly, someone tells you “Let’s dig up the corpse of a hot girl and reanimate her.” You’ve got your beer goggles on by this point, so you think Why not. I need a bride.
You go to the local cemetery and you pick the name that seems most appealing (First names like “Rosa” are usually a good indicator of hotness.) You find some shovels and you begin to dig them up. But what about a brain? You need a good brain.
So, you drink some coffee and break into the science lab. You then decide to steal a brain that was being used for a presentation. The paper taped to the first brain jar reads “Normal (And Sexy) Brain”, so you decide to take that one. But you’re still totally wasted, bro, so you drop it. You then pick up the jar that has “Abnormal (Sexy For About 2 Months Until You Get To Know Her) Brain” written on it. You tell your friend that this was the “Normal (And Sexy) Brain” and you get to work.
After discovering the secrets to harnessing electricity, you wait for that perfect night. When that storm comes, you clip on the electrodes, and….she lives! Your work is complete! But, horrified by her scars, and in a panic, you kick her out of your laboratory. From then on, she thirsts for revenge, and ruins your life.
Don’t dig up the dead when you want to find a bride. Stick to the living.
5. Women Who Are Actually Spiders
Spiders are extremely poor conversationalists, and likely to be voraciously hungry. You should always look for the good in people, but when a person is shaped exactly like a massive arachnid, it’s often hard to see the good past all the multiple eyes and toxic fangs.
This same logic goes for cats. Don’t date cats.
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