History and Terminators have shown us that the best way to tell if someone is a robot is to stab them and then pull at their innards until computer parts come out. What they don’t show you, however, is all the times this turns out to be a mistake, and you’re left with an “Ooops” and one less friend.
Using a scale that I’ve devised from intense research of not only robotics, but human emotions too, I’ve concocted seven non-violent methods to determine whether or not your friend or family member is a machine. Don’t get me wrong, you can save the violent parts for when the test results come back positive, but at least you’ll never be caught screaming “I swear to God, I thought he was a robot!” while you’re being handcuffed.
1) Tell them that you have the flu. If they remain at your side, they’re either a robot or the most misguided boyfriend that you’ll ever acquire. Fleshy humans are paranoid of getting sick at all times. You can’t get a robot sick though, so they’ll just see your cough as a slight, awkward interruption between words that they’ll copy to help with the eventual takeover of earth.
2) Ask them what kind of coffee they prefer. As we’re all aware, the coffee that they serve at Starbucks is one biodegradable cup away from microwave pee. If a robot doesn’t care about the quality of coffee, or actually likes Starbucks coffee above other kinds, they’re simply refueling the oil that drives their motors. In the same way that Premium Gas doesn’t work for some cars, good coffee doesn’t work for most robots. It’s just too rich for their sensors to handle. Robots much more enjoy coffee that is the basic equivalent of Transformer ass sweat.
3) Force them to watch I, Robot. Then, ask them who the hero of the film was. If they say “Will Smith,” they’re a robot, because only a non-human who hates humanity would like Will Smith.
4) Robots do not understand physical comedy. The natural reaction for you and I when someone gets hurt in a way that isn’t grossly damaging is to laugh at them until they understand that by being both clumsy AND near an unseen sidewalk edge, they were doing us all a favor. A robot’s primary concern is staying in perfect working condition. They do not understand why an over-sized man on a tiny scooter is a recipe for the funniest thing ever. All they see is inefficient technology. If they do not respond to belly flops and walking into glass doors, prepare for the upcoming Armageddon.
4.5) Also, robots do not understand any kind of dirty joke. For example, and I know that this will pain you, because it’s 2013 and this line should’ve been wiped out in 2011 in the great Meme Apocalypse, but exclaim “That’s what she said!” after a robot says anything even vaguely sexual. A regular man or woman, logically, should get angry, because we, as a species, are so sick of that stupid, stupid joke. A robot, on the other hand, will inquire as to exactly what woman said that. When did she say that? Of what importance is this female in our current conversation?
5) Show them videos of dogs. It has been proven that once a normal person starts watching videos of puppies, they can’t stop until they’ve eventually looped back around into watching old videos that they saw the last time that they binged on cute shit. A robot doesn’t have this same necessity. Robots were never programmed to waste time by looking at other people’s pets, thus they will seem satisfied after one.
6) Ask them who their role models are. Robots will pick people throughout history that have already been revealed as robots.
CLASSIFIED LIST OF ROBOTS IMPERSONATING PEOPLE THROUGHOUT HISTORY
ZZZ1300 (JAY LENO)
PAT2000 (SHIRLEY TEMPLE)
S12 (BENJAMIN FRANKLIN)
BULIT9 (STEVE MCQUEEN)
RCK16 (RIC FLAIR)
TBONTB (WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE)
HF77 (HARRISON FORD)
7) Accuse them of being a robot. Robots, unable to process subtlety, will immediately try to prove otherwise by giving you the most “human,” and therefore wildly unnecessary action that they can think of: a hug. Have your weapon ready. It’s time.
-Daniel
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Reblogged this on Alphacares' E- Learning and commented:
This the joke of the day………..
Anyway, the guy really tried.
yeah… when my sister told me ” she was cracking up ” I told her “I hope you don’t split into pieces”
I better call my friend, “Syd…who was the hero of I, Robot?”
I better call Syd. “SYD, RUN.”
you got to tell me she’s a robot… LOL 🙂
She just may be…it would definitely not surprise me at all…lol
Reblogged this on all about hapoel tel aviv and commented:
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Lol, That is well made and funny
Thank you!
yeah Daniel … your hilarious 🙂
Thanks!
I scored 4 for robot, 3 for human. Does that make me a cyborg? Because I’m okay with that, long as I can pick which parts.
The ranking is as follows:
0 Robot to 7 Human = Total human.
1 Robot to 6 Human = You’re wearing a cast.
2 Robot to 5 Human = You have a prosthetic limb.
3 Robot to 4 Human = You’re a cyborg with emotions.
4 Robot to 3 Human = You’re a cyborg with no emotions.
5 Robot to 2 Human = You’re a Robocop.
6 Robot to 1 Human = You’re a Tin Man.
7 Robot to 0 Human = Total Robot.
Thank you, very helpful. But I’m definitely a cyborg with emotions, I just don’t like dogs.
Hey, YOU get mauled/bitten/attacked by canines 7 times since childhood and see how much you twitch around the damned things. Because emotional.
I am Funnybot. Don’t you hate how Mexicans always complain about turtles in their vaginas?
Consider this response a “Yes.”
Humans Are Weird, are you off your meds again?
Ignore him. It’s just another sugar crash.
Reblogged this on hook-young-tailor and commented:
I think this is worth running through the Turing Test
Great post!
Thanks!
Will Smith IS a good actor…
I think my sister is a robot. Advice?
Try to pinpoint exactly when your former, biological sister was replaced. If you cannot, pull at your own skin until you reveal steel underneath. You may have both come from the same mother factory.
Umm…I found scales underneath my skin. Also, I’ve shown to have pyrokinesis and there’s an army of spirits calling me “Master”. What now?
Great !
Thanks!
Great post ! I think I’m a robot .. Help !
Oh heavens… I think I’m a robot. Why did no one tell me?
Haha this great!
Reblogged this on Love This Shit .
Hilarious. I especially like the Shakespeare robot’s name.
Thank you for the Starbucks tip. Now I know that several of my work colleagues, a few of my family members and an ex-girlfriend are all robots.
hehe
cool:)
Hehehehehe that was reallyyyyyyy fun to read. I wonder though can we upgrade into becoming a robot? Please advise. I would love to turn into these emotionless smart practical technological beings. The world would seem a much better and easier place to live in 🙂 🙂 🙂
ha ha.. nice. I should try your robotic tests on few of my friends…
Enjoyed this!
I am taking this literally. lol
Haha…lovely post!!! Know many such ‘robots’. Yes, a good litmus test..
Funny post lol if you guys want to check out my movie blog website just click the link thanks http://movieprescription.wordpress.com/
smmaa
so why is Shakespeare a robot?
The question we should be asking is why was that advanced technology around in the Tudor Times.
Time travel.
Or aliens. Aliens are almost definitely very advanced compared to humans, as they have an alliance with the other planets which enables them to share their discoveries. (Just kidding)
Aliens sent robots back in time to better prepare the world for their arrival. Game. Set. Match, Humanity.
I’ve been exposed to too much science fiction. I think it’s having an effect on my mind… just kidding.
Favorite piece of sci fi fiction? Movies/books/comics/anything.
Star Trek The Next Generation definitely. This is Lind of a random question but would you say E.T was sci-fi?
I’d say that it’s fantasy, with sci fi elements (the parts with the scientists and the setting up of that medical facility.)
Sci-fi and fantasy tend to cross over a lot though, because you get that sort of overlap where the explanation of a fantastical creature is “science” or where aliens have special powers which make them seem unreal in the human world (such as in Superman).
Aliens are always a possibility. ..
Someone told me that I sound like a robot the other day. That’s because I didn’t want to talk to them…..
I just asked Marina if she was a robot and this is what she said http://youtu.be/S_oMD6-6q5Y
Sweet baby Moses in a basket, that was funny. Thank you.
Reblogged this on Cloudy With a Chance of… .
Ok, but what about us robots who don’t drink coffee? And also, the most advanced robot models already figured out these tests, and will not deny that they are robots in (7), watch 3-4 per videos at once in (5), and so on.
I scored 6 out of 7… I am a robot! Noooo!
Hilarious! Also to quote Howard from BBT, dare a robot to cry. He wouldn’t because he’d rust.
Hilarious! You’re spreading good, non-violent ways for us to sort out the human from the robot. We need to know this! And the next thing we need to sort out is who among us are zombies.
Liked it alot 🙂 This is a much needed one 🙂
that confirms I am a human 😉
Very creative. I know many of my teachers of the past were robots because they all said the party line and taught me little except automatic responses.
Love this, I laughed the whole time!
Obviously, the hero of I, Robot was VIKI. Come on, guys, any robot knows that.
Reblogged this on Whole-World Bound and commented:
This… This made my day. Following now!:)
I’ll try this one. Hahaha!
http://mbqmejayquela.wordpress.com
Reblogged this on My Life.
Reblogged this on clarence's blog.
How do you prove that they’re a robot? Like, see if they have a better? I don’t get it.
Reblogged this on Fidelity Check Online and commented:
Very funny thanks for being so original!!
Reblogged this on Without Wax and commented:
8) Wash, rinse, and repeat on all other friends until you are paranoid.
Valuable information, indeed. Judging by my facebook home page, the Meme Apocalypse failed to completely extinguish Memes. Maybe the recipes and Dr. Oz’s fat reducing posts will be the nail in the coffin.
Super funny post!!! AHHH MY FRIEND IS A ROBOT!
Thanks! Stay away from your friend.
Better a good-working robot that has deserted his creators, than a believer of monopoly.
Reblogged this on LIKE👍 and commented:
Robots might be walking amongst us. Lol.
According to #7 robots can lie. I guess that’s the one that blurs the line between humans and robots :p
http://mybeautifullife96.wordpress.com
This will be a good test for a few of my extended family members. Honestly, I would prefer that they are robots with loose screws, than human beings with loose screws.
Robots with loose screws are much easier to tear apart when the robot apocalypse comes.
Haha well done
http://liloleblog.wordpress.com/
Thanks!
Reblogged this on ellienitemareschan.
Omg this is amazing. Genuinely think I will use this in daily life
Now is this proven, does it work on dragons?
If you’re testing this on dragons, you’re about five seconds from being kindling right now.
Reblogged this on thisoldtoad and commented:
Look out dragon, i will be testing you – – – at a later date!
I enjoyed very much. Thanks for making me smile. Happy Holidays!
Mr.MakingUsmile
No problem!
cool
Same.
Whoa whoa whoa, Ric Flair is a robot?!?! Hogan I could see, but Ric?!
A robot couldn’t create the feeling of Hulkamania. That is totally organic.
True
I love cats instead of dogs…does that make me robot?
Yes, enemy.
Love this!
Thanks!
Reblogged this on MyNameIsEpicCupcake.
lol… my bff is tots a robot…. so is my sis… lol
You’re surrounded. I wish you the best of luck.
LOL.. 🙂 thanks you should use the tips… Is your bff a robot?
Yes. And I’m planning to shut him down.
It’s a good way nowadays…
Agreed.
Oh crap…I think I might be a robot.
I am sorry for your loss.
Reblogged this on The Road Less Traveled.
As a medical professional, I would like to say this is pretty accurate advice. It’s how I test to see if my patients are humans are not. http://www.healthunbreaded.com
Thank you for verifying my tips. I would hate to be giving out anything less than the truth.
Wait, how would one properly dispose of a robot?
Ripping their heads off seems to work.
Reblogged this on Information-Station.
This design is really random.. just a thought haha. I like random 😀 just like my blog *hint hint* 🙂
This is Hilarious
Half of my friends are like this.
They’re just weird so it’s okay I guess.
Half of your friends are robots. Be cautious.
I will. Thanks !
Amazing!
Thanks!
Reblogged this on Shiloh Shiloh!.
Reblogged this on chillipepper60's Blog.
Is it possible to be half-robot? If so, what happens to that individual? Very funny and super original…loved it. 🙂
If you’re a half robot, you’re either a Robocop, or a cyborg. Take your pick.
A Robocop would be pretty badass. I could live with that. 🙂
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love this. I’m new on here. Check me out if ya want. http://arrowsshooting.wordpress.com/
Thanks! And good luck with your blog!
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Reblogged this on NewsFusion.
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