History and Terminators have shown us that the best way to tell if someone is a robot is to stab them and then pull at their innards until computer parts come out. What they don’t show you, however, is all the times this turns out to be a mistake, and you’re left with an “Ooops” and one less friend.
Using a scale that I’ve devised from intense research of not only robotics, but human emotions too, I’ve concocted seven non-violent methods to determine whether or not your friend or family member is a machine. Don’t get me wrong, you can save the violent parts for when the test results come back positive, but at least you’ll never be caught screaming “I swear to God, I thought he was a robot!” while you’re being handcuffed.
1) Tell them that you have the flu. If they remain at your side, they’re either a robot or the most misguided boyfriend that you’ll ever acquire. Fleshy humans are paranoid of getting sick at all times. You can’t get a robot sick though, so they’ll just see your cough as a slight, awkward interruption between words that they’ll copy to help with the eventual takeover of earth.
2) Ask them what kind of coffee they prefer. As we’re all aware, the coffee that they serve at Starbucks is one biodegradable cup away from microwave pee. If a robot doesn’t care about the quality of coffee, or actually likes Starbucks coffee above other kinds, they’re simply refueling the oil that drives their motors. In the same way that Premium Gas doesn’t work for some cars, good coffee doesn’t work for most robots. It’s just too rich for their sensors to handle. Robots much more enjoy coffee that is the basic equivalent of Transformer ass sweat.
3) Force them to watch I, Robot. Then, ask them who the hero of the film was. If they say “Will Smith,” they’re a robot, because only a non-human who hates humanity would like Will Smith.
4) Robots do not understand physical comedy. The natural reaction for you and I when someone gets hurt in a way that isn’t grossly damaging is to laugh at them until they understand that by being both clumsy AND near an unseen sidewalk edge, they were doing us all a favor. A robot’s primary concern is staying in perfect working condition. They do not understand why an over-sized man on a tiny scooter is a recipe for the funniest thing ever. All they see is inefficient technology. If they do not respond to belly flops and walking into glass doors, prepare for the upcoming Armageddon.
4.5) Also, robots do not understand any kind of dirty joke. For example, and I know that this will pain you, because it’s 2013 and this line should’ve been wiped out in 2011 in the great Meme Apocalypse, but exclaim “That’s what she said!” after a robot says anything even vaguely sexual. A regular man or woman, logically, should get angry, because we, as a species, are so sick of that stupid, stupid joke. A robot, on the other hand, will inquire as to exactly what woman said that. When did she say that? Of what importance is this female in our current conversation?
5) Show them videos of dogs. It has been proven that once a normal person starts watching videos of puppies, they can’t stop until they’ve eventually looped back around into watching old videos that they saw the last time that they binged on cute shit. A robot doesn’t have this same necessity. Robots were never programmed to waste time by looking at other people’s pets, thus they will seem satisfied after one.
6) Ask them who their role models are. Robots will pick people throughout history that have already been revealed as robots.
CLASSIFIED LIST OF ROBOTS IMPERSONATING PEOPLE THROUGHOUT HISTORY
ZZZ1300 (JAY LENO)
PAT2000 (SHIRLEY TEMPLE)
S12 (BENJAMIN FRANKLIN)
BULIT9 (STEVE MCQUEEN)
RCK16 (RIC FLAIR)
TBONTB (WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE)
HF77 (HARRISON FORD)
7) Accuse them of being a robot. Robots, unable to process subtlety, will immediately try to prove otherwise by giving you the most “human,” and therefore wildly unnecessary action that they can think of: a hug. Have your weapon ready. It’s time.