Talking to women is hard. Like, Actually Talking To Them hard. But, thanks to Facebook Chat, you don’t even have to know them, much less ask for their number or meet them in person, in order to make bumbling attempts at inseminating them. All it takes is one mistaken acceptance of a Friend Request on their part and boom, you are free to make as many insincere passes at them as you want.
For most of my biological career, I was terrible at nearly everything that I tried. If I was a Dungeons & Dragons character, I would’ve rolled really well when it comes to remembering the episode titles from Batman: The Animated Series, and the dice would’ve fallen off the table and gotten lost under the fridge when it came time to find out my Charisma. This imbalance led me to direct my romantic intentions to Facebook Chat, and it was also this imbalance that led to the examples that you see below.
Attempt 1) Asking Her Out To Dinner, Except Not Really
Playfulness is an important part of flirting. I guess that’s what I was going for here, mixing playfulness with aloofness and hoping that, when I finally revealed that THIS WAS THE RESTAURANT FROM THAT EARLIER CONVERSATION LIFE IS A ROMANTIC COMEDY LET’S MAKE OUT TO “YOU AND ME” BY LIFEHOUSE, she would be so enthralled with my plan that she’d have no choice but to be my girlfriend.
Luckily for her, she ruined this plan entirely by letting me know, in a way more subtle than my asking a girl that I wanted to date what would be a good place to take a girl on a date, that she was privy to this scheme all along. She was already two steps ahead of me, and thus completely out of my league.
Also note that I was more than willing, and sort of excited, to be a cheap date.
Attempt 2) Southern Comfort Shut Down
If you didn’t know, let me be the first to inform you that only a small percentage of the female population gets turned on when you tell them drinking stories. Usually, the moral of drinking stories aren’t “I’m a suitable mate.” Most likely, they’re “I do not have my life together in any way,” or “I should buy a couch that doesn’t look like it’s been set on fire. Spoiler Alert: This one has.”
Southern Comfort with Lime, when drunken in large quantities, makes your breath smell like a Human Centipede’s laundry hamper. This might’ve been the reason that the girl here was not into my repeated efforts to make her realize that, when a man starts a conversation with “I drank whiskey pee, and I’ll do it again if you dare me,” he’s worthy of a first date.
Attempt 3) Yes, Daniel. Her phone must’ve been “broken.”
This is the saddest entry. I believed that she didn’t pick up her ringing phone because the technology somehow failed her completely. I imagine that the next message to her would’ve been an email about how Facebook Chat was broken.
That last one might have a chance at being true had I used it, because sometimes Facebook Chat breaks, and starts to work like an echo with a limp.
Attempt 4) On A Separate Note, It’s Time To Hate Me Now
If a man stops a perfectly good conversation with “On a separate note,” ladies, he might as well be saying “And now, to make this fucking weird…” You thought you were talking about your day at work, but, this whole time he’s been waiting for a chance to ask you out. If he’d opened the conversation with “You want to see this movie or something?” it would’ve been coming on too strong. He had to pretend to listen to you first.
Man, what a scintillating conversation. I’m sure that I meant it.
Yeah, lady, messaging you back and forth is just too difficult for me. Let’s take this party to the Facebook Chat. Yeah, it is late. Okay, good night.
Attempt 5) Let’s Get Medieval
“Thoust day”? Saying that is like a joke that I’m playing on my own penis in order to get him to move out. Sorry, dude. With all the “thoust days” going on, we’re just going to have to let you go. Nothing personal, but the Daniel Never Getting Laid Again Corporation just doesn’t need you anymore.
If I was in her shoes, and someone told me that I was “teh lames,” I wouldn’t have been able to come back with anything other than an “okay” either. Combine that with “thoust day”, and I’m surprised that she wasn’t giving her ovaries CPR.
Attempt 6) Nothing To Lose
There’s nothing hotter than a guy with nothing to lose. Except a guy with nothing to lose, who is also moving away in two weeks. Hotter than that? The only thing I can think of is a guy with nothing to lose, who is moving away in two weeks, who is obviously drunk as well. No, wait. I’ve got one more.
There’s nothing hotter than a guy with nothing to lose, who is moving away in two weeks, who is obviously drunk when chatting you up, who was drunk the first time he met you. And People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive Award for 2011 goes to Daniel, who never really got the nerve to ask you on a date or to “lunch and shit,” but doesn’t care so much that it’s totally okay now.
I did nail it though when I brought up the fact that “shit is weird.” Correct. Shit WAS weird, Daniel.
Attempt 7) Ladies Like It When You’re Clever
If you saw this conversation without seeing the specific times that the messages were sent, it would look like two people trying to bore one another in mutual hatred. But, adding the context of time, you’ll see that it’s much, much worse. It’s a guy trying to start small talk with a girl, and going about it in a way that makes sense only if he was a narcoleptic.
That last message was sent at 6:40.
And that message was sent at 8:04. So, in the space of eighty-four minutes, the most clever, charming thing that I could come up with to woo this lady was “ugh, library.”
BUH-NUH-NUH-NUH-SQUH-NUH-NUH THE NAME IS BOND. JAMES BOND. ugh, library.
Attempt 8) wordz
I think I can rest my case.