5 Ways To Profit On The Duck Dynasty Controversy

As the taker of one Marketing class in college, I think it’s safe to say that I come from a place of experience. Thus, you should trust me when I propose these million dollar projects, as they’re almost certain to make billion dollar profits.

Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson has been placed on an indefinite hiatus from the show, because of some remarks he made that were racist and homophobic. However, mankind has proven time and time again that, just because someone is a bigot, we shouldn’t let it stop them from being bafflingly famous. It’s one of the golden rules of pop culture.

 

duck-dynasty

Keeping that in mind, I pitch to you these investments, all associated with (now) former Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson. Some might say that these shamelessly capitalize off of a bad situation, but I’ve seen enough celebrity meltdowns to know that we, as a species, have evolved to the point of being able to use anything to our benefit. Anything.

Phil’s Skills

Channel: Spike TV (airing after TNA: IMPACT WRESTLING)

The cast of Duck Dynasty was full of Southern colloquialisms. They couldn’t go two minutes without saying something that you could put on a Wal-Mart t-shirt, hidden under the guise of sensible wisdom.

Now, I don’t know if Phil has any other talents other than sometimes being involved in the duck call-making business. Duck Dynasty made it seem like the main cast fired an entire warehouse of workers just so they could fuck around all day. But, it’s a common generality that all Southern people, or people will accents of any kind, know special kinds of magic, like how to catch a fish using only skipping stones, or how to change a truck tire, just by closing your eyes and praying for a better day.

I’ve watched enough TV to know that if I ever get lost in the woods with a redneck, I’m going to be saved, because he just figured out how to make a signal fire using the oil that his shoulder blades secretes (an oil that only his Grandma’s ancient family recipe told of.) And everyone else has watched enough TV to know this as well, so they won’t question the reality of Phil’s Skills, in which Phil helps people out with their problems, using hillbilly spells.

Plus, it’s on Spike TV, a channel known for PUSHING THE BOUNDARIES OF SPORTS-ENTERTAINMENT (TNA: IMPACT WRESTLING’S words, not mine), so Phil will be able to say most of anything he wants, all protected under the First Amendment. Sometimes, Phil will make a Miley Cyrus joke, because that’s just how Phil rolls, now on Spike TV!

Phil Gets Real

Channel: Web Series (The internet is like future TV, investors!)

Whenever a celebrity says something controversial, the first thing news and gossip sites do is go to other famous people to see if they can mine something equally controversial about it from them. For example, if Bradley Cooper began to burn crosses in his yard, TMZ would immediately knock on Jennifer Lawrence’s door, hoping that she’d answer “What do you think about your Silver Linings Playbook co-star Bradley’s recent attitude about cross burning?” with “Hitler was right! Also, I’m wearing his skin.”

Boom, two trillion clicks in thirty minutes.

With Phil Gets Real, you would just know that Phil is about to say something crazy, because the entire show would be dedicated to giving Phil OUTRAGREOUS topics and INSANE guests. This is the internet! You can be as morally reprehensible as you want and still get ten-thousand YouTube comments, all ignoring the main point entirely, talking about how the lady you just had on the show was fat, and should die because of it.

We live in a society where we prod people into producing things that will ruin their careers forever, so why not Phil Robertson? Right now, every magazine in the world is hoping that he’ll either reply to their email with an apology, or another few lines that will further tarnish his reputation. Phil Gets Real would do that, but on a weekly basis.

Adaptation of Events on a Law & Order: SVU Episode

Channel: NBC

Remember when Mel Gibson yelled shitty things at the cop, and suddenly Chevy Chase appeared on a Law & Order episode, yelling shitty things at cops? That wasn’t just a coincidence. And you could do the same thing here, as the Law & Order franchise bases a lot of episodes on “ripped from the headlines” stories. Maybe you can get one of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour guys to play a character based on Phil, as America has always needed, for some reason, a comical redneck mascot, and the Duck Dynasty guys are sort of filling the role that Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy played in 2004.

Cameo In The Expendables 4

Channel: FX, in about 5 years

The Expendables series has become a dumping ground for cameos of tough guys. Eventually, I believe it will devolve into Sylvester Stallone walking down the streets of LA, saying “Hi” in five minute intervals to different action stars. And since the stereotypical redneck classification of a man often involves punching and guns, who better than Phil Robertson, or even the entire Duck Dynasty family, to show up and hand Dolph Lundgren a duck call, (which he will comically misunderstand how to use. Haha. Jokes.)

Why would they need a duck call? Maybe they need some duck distractions when they’re fighting Steven Seagal over the ownership of a nuclear warhead, sunken deep in Lake Michigan. I think what’s most important here, is that you don’t really question their motivation. In Expendables 2, Stallone’s group ran into Chuck Norris, simply because Norris was walking around, alone, deep in Eastern Europe. If that can work, there is no reason that the Duck guys shouldn’t be trying to stop global destruction with their sonically enhanced duck calls.

City Slippers

Channel: ABC (but only in the summer, when the ratings can handle it)

Another mysterious quality of rednecks is their superhuman, though homemade and seemingly irrational, athletic skill. They might not have a six pack (they have a keg! Haha, man. Jokes have given us some wonderful things), but they can certainly make their way up a mountain and chop down a tree faster than us Billy Crystals can.

(cue Spiderbait’s cover of “Black Betty”)

Go ahead and cancel Wipeout, because now we have City Slippers, with Phil Robertson, (and some of the cast of Duck Dynasty making appearances as “guest judges), in which those city boys, the ones who might know how to eat a sushi or change a stock, try their hand at beating past foam obstacles and fallin’ in the mud pit! Who will get eliminated? Who will make it to the eating challenge in round 2? Who will watch it at 4 PM on Saturdays? Find out as you watch Wall Street bankers try to make it up “Phil’s Big Ol’ Hill.”

I hope to receive Executive Producer credit on all of these.

-Daniel

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