Hey, awful dudes! Have you exhausted every method of hitting on women? I want you to seriously consider that question, and think really hard about it. Have you literally tried and failed at every single attempt? Have you become so desperate to tell not just that special someone, but ANY someone, that you find them attractive, that you’re willing to do it completely at random?
If you answered “Yes” to any of those questions, I have both good and bad news for you.
The bad news is that you’re you. The good news is I can help you with one final option. Now, I must reinforce the fact that you should only try to flirt this way as a last resort, because this is going to go poorly as well. “Why would you give us tips that suck?” you might ask, if you’re the kind of person that doesn’t “get” books and stuff, but what the world needs to know is that, to reach a point where you decide, somewhere deep in the soupy accident that is your brain, to compliment girls out the window of a speeding vehicle, your whole life has been a downhill skiing tragedy metaphor. And it’s not going to stop now, nor will it anytime soon.
STEP 1) DON’T FOCUS ON THE ROAD
Driving safely is overrated. The human skull is practically built to withstand the impact of tons of machinery slamming into it from a variety of angles. But I won’t make any definite presumptions about your own specific head, since you’re about to yell at that girl on the sidewalk. Your skull probably hasn’t withstood previous impacts as well as you thought.
Instead of focusing on stop signs and lights, keep your eyes to the sides of the road, because that’s where the women are. And since you’re seeing women walking comfortably on the sidewalk, odds are that you are in a populated, city area, which means that it’s highly conceivable that you are surrounded by other motor vehicles, increasing the odds of danger indefinitely. I don’t want you to die, but considering what you’re planning to accomplish, living is about 75% pointless for your dumb ass anyway.
STEP 2) ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW
Make sure that your window is down. You don’t want to have to hurriedly roll down your window and look like a fool or possibly make a mistake, do you? Not when the most of what you’re doing is already a big one.
STEP 3) KEEP IT SIMPLE
I’ve lived in the South long enough to know that anything shouted out of the window of a car sounds idiotic. Anything. I’m not calling you a dumb person (I’ll leave that to every other sentence in this list), but you’re fighting a losing battle if you think clever is going to flow through the filter that is an open window of a moving car. You might not be stupid, but anything you do which includes the actions of opening a window and then shoving sound through it, is immediately going to translate as rhino grunting to the people outside.
That’s why you need to keep it obtusely simple, and get your point across that the lady should feel as self-conscious and awkward as possible. Since everything sounds the same when it flies into your ear from a roaring truck’s passenger seat, “Good luck on your Finals! You have a lot of potential in your chosen field!” translates into “Nice ass!” each and every time. That’s because history has invented better ways to show your romantic interest that aren’t related to screaming.
Plus, why expend your energy by trying to come up with something clever? You have way more things to do that day, like disappointing your mother and father, or howling at other girls. You live a busy, un-fulfilled existence, and your schedule is jam packed with engaging activities, like going to Applebee’s, or misunderstanding the plot of a Hobbit movie.
STEP 4) SHOUT
Do it. Do it now. Because if you don’t do it now, she might never know what you thought about her breasts. And she needs to. Constantly. One day, or maybe even that day, she’s going to have someone tell her about how beautiful she is in more honest, sincere ways than you will ever come up with, but right now? Let it fly. She needs to hear it. And trust me, she’s quivering with anticipation because of it.
STEP 5) LAUGH WITH FRIENDS
There is nothing lonelier than being by yourself when you yell out of your car window at women. So, keep some friends around who think that what you do is a good idea. People of similar interests often become friends based on those interests, so surround your body with morons. One to drive, one to yell (you), and two in the backseat to bear witness to the pinnacle of ingenious ways to make you look retarded.
After you do this, be sure to laugh, as if what you did was hilarious. There is a certain theory of comedy that dictates that anything can be funny as long as it is loud. Scientists and everyone else might have denied this claim, saying that it was disproved in the year Nineteen-Fourth-Grade, but you know better. You’re yelling out the window of a goddamn car at a female. There are things that you know that humankind, much less science, will never understand.
STEP 6) DO ANYTHING ELSE. PLEASE.
Ignore the five previous steps and please, do anything else. Anything at all. Ask a girl you like out to dinner. Inquire about her interests. Shit, lay in bed all day, as long as it prevents you from loudly commenting on peoples’ appearances as they go about their lives.
If you have to yell, do it at things that aren’t going to feel ashamed that they share the planet with you. “THE CITY SHOULD REALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE CRACKS IN THIS PAVEMENT!!! WHERE IS THE FUNDING GOING?!?” or “LOOK AT THAT FAT ASS MAILBOX!!!” are two examples of things that you can say that will let you release the urge of being the loudest, most pointless thing on the road, all while making no one miserable.