It’s hard to come up with New Year’s Resolutions. You have to make promises to yourself that you’ll keep for the whole year, and a lot of things can happen in a year that wasn’t this past year, when apparently enough of nothing happened to make you want to drastically change it.
To ease your troubles, I’ve given you 15 New Year’s Resolutions that you can have for no money at all. That is literally zero dollars. You couldn’t possibly pay less for it, and if you could, good for you, cash wizard.
1) This year, you’ll resolve to finally start watching Boardwalk Empire, never actually start watching Boardwalk Empire, and just continue staring at the plastic wrapping that covers your unopened Blu-ray copy of the first season. Is it like The Sopranos? The guys wear suits and do crime, so it must be like The Sopranos. You’ll never know.
2) This year, you’ll resolve to finally start being a better communicator with your spouse/significant other. When they have a problem, you’ll hear them out. Except when they’re “too tired” to clean their shit up when they get home from work. Oh, yeah. You’re too exhausted to do some fucking dishes? Yeah. Pick it up tomorrow. Oh, yeah. Like that’ll happen. Lazy moron.
3) This year, you’ll resolve to finally pick back up the hobby that you used to do all the time. You got the art set for Christmas, why not sit down one Sunday and just draw? That window has perfect lighting to sit under, so that would make an excellent place to do it. Go for it! Eh, you’re not as good as you used to be though, and this first sketch of the tire swing in a back yard didn’t look so hot. Eh…
4) This year, you’ll resolve to try and keep in better touch with your family. You’ll finally give your parents or your older sister a call every once in a while. Hey, Megan. How are things? Oh, that’s good. Yeah, hear about your kids? Yeah, that’s fascinating….yeah…And they both got on the soccer team? Yeah, that’s great…..Mmhmm, yeah, I’m sure. Yeah. Well, look at the time. I have to go.
5) This year, you’ll resolve to start using that gym membership. You gained a lot of weight this past year, and there’s a lot of clothes that you’d like to be able to fit back into. But then again, it’s hard to make time for the gym when you’ve already gotten settled down after work and, well, you’ll start going every other day next week. Yeah. On Monday. It’s gonna happen.
6) This year, you’ll resolve to finish your novel that you’ve been working on for so long. You started it a few years back and you were doing doing pretty good in NaNoWriMo before you took that vacation on November 7th. You know what? If you really put your mind to it, you could finish this in the month. Hold on. Check Reddit really quick, and then see if anyone has emailed you. Minimalist movie posters on Tumblr? Oh, that’s cool. I wonder if anyone has done any more Psycho ones…
7) This year, you’ll resolve to finally start eating healthier. Remember that one statistic you saw about how much you save on average if you cook at home versus eating a family’s worth of fast food every night? That could really keep your wallet at a comfortable weight if you did that. But you’re hungry now. Well, it’s not like you’re eating fast food at EVERY meal, is it? It’ll be fine.
8) This year, you’ll resolve to read more. You loved reading when you were a kid. Absolutely loved it. In Elementary School, you were one of those students who got to pick out extra books from the library. And now, you have a new Kindle Fire HD, which is perfect for reading. You can download books so easily now, from the comfort of your own couch. But Amazon Prime is offering the entire first season of Revenge for 9.99? You heard that was good.
9) This year, you’ll finally resolve to start studying for Grad School. You’ve been told countless times, both by people and by bar graphs, that more schooling means more money, so the investment should pay off. But what will you study for? Everyone needs teachers, but aren’t teachers going through a lot of problems right now? What about going back for writing? Isn’t being lucky the only way to break into a creative field? Nothing is for certain. Well, until it gets more certain, just hold off on jumping into Grad School. You have to be sure.
10) This year, you’ll start drinking less. You’re not in college anymore. You have to start acting like an adult and acting like an adult means two gin and tonics, and then maybe a glass of wine, but after that? You’re done. No more drinking heavily. Adults don’t drink heavily. They spend twenty bucks to get a buzz and then they go home and sleep. That’s what adults do, and you’re trying to be more of an adult, right?
11) This year, you’re gonna worry less about what people think of you. You’re gonna worry so much less about what people think that you’re gonna post a Facebook status about not caring about what people think anymore. Oh, Taylor agreed that you need to leave the haters behind and be your own person? Hell yeah, Taylor. You agree with Taylor. Tell Taylor about how much you agree with him.
12) This year, you’re going to make plans to travel. Where will you go? Paris? Japan? Scotland? Scotland is lovely this time of year. How much do tickets cost? Ooh, that’s pricey, but you can do it. Can you add some sick days to the days you get off work? How does that look? How many days off do you have this year? If you don’t use this vacation time altogether, can you still use some later? This shouldn’t be so complicated.
13) This year, you’re going to update your blog more. Sorry, readers. 2013 has been pretty busy, but House of Plain is gonna make a full recovery in 2014. That means (hopefully) more posts and more rants about being a twenty-something living and loving in small town rural Missouri.
14) This year, you will use social media way less. You won’t make any more Bitstrips comics, because no one has ever seen a Bitstrips comic and come close to having anything that resembles enthusiasm. You’ll spend less time on Instagram, even if your theme of posting healthy foods isn’t gaining as many followers as you hoped it would. And you’ll stay off Facebook, because political opinions just make you angry.
15) This year, you’ll be a better person. How many Better Person points do you get if you donate clothes? Or open the door for people? Do you get more Better Person points from calling an old friend or making breakfast in bed for your wife? If there was a way to count how much being a better person benefitted you, this would seem a little more viable.