PITBULL SONG BINGO/DRINKING GAME

I’m a huge fan of the rapper Pitbull, so this bingo/drinking game does not come from a place of malice. It comes from a place of having listened to so much Pitbull that I’ve begun to notice trends that go deeper than the obvious “Say ‘Dale’!’ twice, and then say some city names and some Spanish” joke that everyone has made. And, before I go any further, if you’ve made that joke, I want you to be prepared. Because, when you’re on your death bed, your spouse, the person you’ve trusted and loved your entire life, is going to whisper in your ear “You’re not funny…” the second before you pass away. Your eyes will beg forgiveness, but your wife’s mouth will beg for the richer doctor’s mouth, and that’s the last thing you’ll see. You suck.

I don’t take the easy way out when it comes to Pitbull, which is a direct contrast to Pitbull’s approach to music as a whole. As much as I like him, there are way too many jokes to be made about him to ignore, and I’ve decided to consolidate some of them in the form of a bingo/drinking game, because, when Pitbull fails, it’s repeatedly, and it’s in a fashion that is painfully obvious to the millions that listen to him.

If you’re not as much of a Pitbull scholar as I am, and trust me, you’re not, use the following as a guide to better help you enjoy this version of bingo that I’ve created, or to better help you nuke your liver, if you’ve decided that your family won’t miss you enough to necessitate not playing this as a drinking game.

Pitbull bingo

Oh, and I called it “DALE!”, because there’s really no other way of going about it.

Halfhearted pop culture reference: Pitbull sometimes peppers his verses with pop culture references, and, for the most part, he’s all out of pepper. He’ll say SEO buzzwords like “Miley Cyrus” or “Inception” or “Martin Scorsese”, and then abandon them, mainly because it’s hard to rhyme the name of a famous director with the name of a vodka.

Pun/joke that doesn’t make any sense: Pitbull definitely understands humor, but he’s not quite sure how to wield it yet. Sometimes, he makes jokes in a dyslexic fashion, where he puts the punchline before the set-up, thus negating the comedy completely, and sometimes he says things like “Tell the Pope to come see me/I got asses, by the masses” and it makes you wonder if Pitbull puts words together in his brain like a Salvador Dali painting, where everything incomprehensibly drips and melts together.

YEEEAAAAAOOOOOOOOO: This is Pitbull’s way of letting the listener know that whatever pretenses that they had about this song need to be dropped, because he’s about to smash through the wall and non-consensually turn it into a Pitbull song. It’s his mating call, and if you could summon Pitbull for a Pokemon battle, it would be the screech he makes as he enters the fight.

Introduces himself as just “Mr. 305”: In the early years of his career, before he began to eat the planets that surrounded him, Pitbull referred to himself as just “Mr. 305.” This lets you know that you’re listening to a Pitbull track from his formative years, before he became the phantom touch that you feel on your shoulder in an empty room. You turn around, but no one is there? What is going on? Haha, dale’….

Laughs at his own joke: Pitbull thinks that he’s hilarious, even when he didn’t intend to be. And sometimes, the producer just drops “Haha!” into a song, to let you know that, as much as you aren’t, you should be enjoying yourself.

Pit’s lyrics don’t match up with the other verses: I have a theory that there is a stockpile somewhere, a Fort Knox of eight-line verses, that Pitbull has written and saved for later, that he uses haphazardly whenever someone asks him to feature on their track. About 75% of the songs that Pitbull features on have nothing to do with whatever Pitbull is talking about. The song could be about the birth of the Nazi Party, and Pitbull would still deliver a verse entirely about having sex with twins.

Dale’!: Pitbull’s “Git R Dun.”

Talks about Voli: Pitbull is a spokesman for a brand of vodka called “Voli,” which, if you’ve listened to Pitbull at all, is apparently the only drink that he knows about. Don’t begin to die of thirst around Pitbull. It’s all he has in his canteen.

“Mr. 305, better said Mr. Worldwide”: Can Pitbull be both Bruce Wayne AND Batman? This line proves that he can.

Has significantly less lyrics than the other participants in the song: Maybe he falls asleep during the writing process, or maybe he loses his second page on the way to the studio, but Pitbull’s verse last barely long enough for him to fit all two of his catchphrases into them. The other people on the song will go for hours, but Pitbull has to catch a flight to Brazil or something. He can only contribute the bare minimum.

Introduces himself as just “Mr. Worldwide”: Pitbull began using this moniker when radios around the world refused to play anyone but him.

Song also features Enrique Iglesias: Enrique is like Pitbull’s cool, older brother. Their songs are usually about drinking or waking up Barack Obama to let him know that it’s on.

Song also features Jennifer Lopez: Referred to as “the world’s most beautiful woman,” Jennifer is Pitbull’s perennial crush. Their songs are usually about powering through adversity to dance and love again.

Obviously not in the same room as the other musician: A popular trend in music videos that feature Pitbull is having the singers take a break from partying or falling in love to watch Pitbull on their iPad, or just showing Pitbull rap, by himself, in a locale somewhere, unrelated to rest of the song. Is that what celebrities do? Just sit around and watch Pitbull videos? If that’s the case, I’m fucking Brad Pitt.

Rhymes a word with the same word: What’s easier than thinking up a word that rhymes with another word? Using that second word twice.

Talks about owning/ruling/creating the world: Around 2011, the earth as we know it became Planet Pit. Has it always been Planet Pit? Is Pitbull our true God? These are questions that only He (Pitbull) can answer. Whatever the case, Pitbull will often rap about giving life, or owning a massive chunk of global geography.

Mentions formerly selling drugs: Pitbull used to sell drugs, and he’s very eager to let you know just how much he used to do that.

“Now fuck you, pay me”: Pitbull’s philosophy on life and music.

Seemingly fills space by repeating a word: Not to be confused with rhyming, sometimes Pitbull will just say a word over and over again in order to kill time before he can finally be done with this whole “rapping” thing for the day.

Line that is a repeat from another Pitbull song: Lately, Pitbull has been using lines from his earlier songs, kind of like Pitbull stock footage.

Abrupt shift to Spanish: You’ll know it when it happens.

The beat samples another popular song: Pitbull likes to take classics that we all know and love, and ruin them.

Lists countries that he’s been to: Here’s a hint: He’s been to most of them.

Pitbull knows that he’s going to sleep with a girl before she does: Pitbull’s sixth sense is knowing that even though “she says she won’t,” he “bets she will.” If he was part of the X-Men, he’d only fight Magneto or Mr. Sinister sometimes. He’d spend most of his tenure on the team hitting on Storm.

Pitbull is a secret agent: Pitbull loves to dress up in his suit and become “Agent A” or “Armando Bond.” His role as the worst member of MI6 is a major plot point in a lot of his music videos, where he usually uses his secret agent skills to rap on top of buildings, or stare at women.

“But, Daniel, how will we play Bingo without collectible tokens shaped like little Pitbull heads?”

Well, not to worry, hot girls. I have you covered. Here’s a printable sheet of tiny Pitbull heads. They will set your vacuum cleaner on fire.

pit1

On the drinking game side of this, take a sip every time one of things that I listed above happens. You’ll find, after about three songs, that Pitbull is way more enjoyable. And if you want to really play the Pitbull drinking game, use Voli. Go ahead and hate me in advance.

And, to get you started, here’s a link to Pitbull’s YouTube channel.

-Daniel

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20 responses to “PITBULL SONG BINGO/DRINKING GAME

  1. Hilarious – Every time I see Pitbull, after I confirm it isn’t Paul Shaffer doing a skit on Letterman, I get such a tornado of feelings – confusion, vertigo, nausea… thanks to you, now I understand it AND get drunk to it!

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