Before She Died, My Grandma Wanted Me To Become Facebook Famous

I think it would be hard to explain to famous actors from the Golden Age of Hollywood what it would be like to be famous in the age of the internet. I don’t know how Clark Gable would react to being told “Yes, you’re a famous actor, but did you know that, right now, a drawing of you making out with Ralph Bellamy after you’ve both been transformed into horses has been reblogged 10,000 times?” I’m sure that, at this point, Benedict Cumberbatch goes to sleep soundly every night, not because he’s rich, but because, somewhere in the world, someone is currently sketching out what he would look like if he was part of Tiny Toon Adventures. There’s a certain amount of contentedness that one can gather from that.

However, if you don’t have real life fame to translate into internet fame, it’s much harder to gain the latter. You can usually do it in one of two ways: being legitimately talented, or by incessantly yelling about yourself on social media platforms. And, as I’ve come to discover, the incessant yelling can be an art form in itself, no matter how ludicrous it sounds. I’m sure that the person who runs the Facebook page Let’s Play With Beauties (Let’s Play With Beauties) is perfectly aware that the tactics that they employ could be seen as mentally unsound and even, dare I say it, fucking stupid. But that’s what drives traffic. If you have a limited time to be on the internet (somewhere between the average time of twelve to twenty-three hours), would you rather spend all that time clicking on “Poor Man Has Dog” or would you rather go with “THIS HOMELESS MAN DIDN’T KNOW WHAT A DOG WAS. YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT!”?

Before I get to the gist of this thing, let me say that, with all certainty, Let’s Play With Beauties (Let’s Play With Beauties) is the dumbest thing that I’ve seen, possibly ever. It labels itself as a “Bar”, but I don’t need any fact checking to know that that isn’t true. In fact, here is my citation for the research I did to disprove their claim.

“IT JUST ISN’T TRUE.” . FACEBOOK, I GUESS. IT DOES NOT MATTER., Online Posting to LOOK AT ALL OF THIS. JUST LOOK..

Let’s Play With Beauties (Let’s Play With Beauties) is one of those Facebook pages that runs entirely on content that it did not create. It’s a Frankenstein monster of unfunny jokes, desperate attempts at pandering, and whatever is trending on other Facebook pages right now. It uses a cute Asian girl in a Superman shirt taking a selfie as its Profile Picture, and its Cover Photo is a picture tutorial on how to “Like” the page. You couldn’t be more shamelessly trying to gather attention from the internet than if you simply created a web page made entirely of .gifs of Tom Hiddleston petting a basket of puppies and then disrobing.

updates

I don’t have a lot to say about the name of the page, but Let’s Play With Beauties (Let’s Play With Beauties) sounds like the moniker I’d give myself if I was a cluster of fat men trying to lure young teenagers to my house through an internet chat room, only to trap them in my basement made entirely out of Parmesan cheese.

asian girl

Just takin’ selfies and working on your online presence. Admirable.

And not to demean all the selfie-taking Asian girls who wear Superman shirts while they attempt to establish a web presence, but I can announce, with confidence, that that is not the actual person who runs this site. If it is, then that Asian girl is currently ripping off her synthetic skin to let the thousands of spiders underneath breathe.

And now, the marketing.

50,000 likes

Who am I to disrespect a family tradition? For all I know, even as she lay in the hospital bed, wondering what day would be her last, the grandmother was simultaneously hoping that the Facebook page for her Asian daughter’s bar would become super-popular on Facebook. That could’ve been her final dream.

This post lets us know that the grandmother has already died, so rest in peace, made-up lady. If we don’t like the page, not only are we ignoring the person who wrote it, but we’re ignoring her deceased family. How bad do you want us to feel, Let’s Play With Beauties (Let’s Play With Beauties)? Why couldn’t you just tell us about how great your content is? Despite how much of an absolute lie that would’ve been, it would be a better strategy than to invent a dead woman who was so up to date on social media that, as she was taken off her ventilator, she whispered into her granddaughter’s ear “I hope your page gets 50,000 Likes… In a week…Goodbye….” She might’ve been dying, but she still had the strength to give her granddaughter a time frame within which to get famous.

It sounds very sincere when Let’s Play With Beauties (Let’s Play With Beauties) says “can ya please help me because I want to keep my promise please help by liking my page”. I imagine that the pamphlet that the family gave out at the grandmother’s funeral probably read “please can ya come to the hole in the ground shes in there its important”.

-Daniel

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10 responses to “Before She Died, My Grandma Wanted Me To Become Facebook Famous

  1. I find your comments very insightful and if you would just retweet the last 100 of my tweets my grandmother, who is currently dying of eczema will die happy. Please enjoy this video of a dancing pug (with eczema) as you retweet.

  2. Some people just can’t feel good about themselves without getting popular on the Internet. It’s like, seriously, it’s not even their own material, it’s not even a picture of them, and yet they still get happy when people acknowledge the fact they exist?

  3. Pingback: Facebook Must Be Stopped | Daniel is funny·

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