I’m Having Children Vicariously Through You

I don’t have any kids. Not even one. I’m pretty sure of this. I did a clean sweep of the apartment this morning and I didn’t find any. None in the couch, or under the tables, or inside any cabinets. As of three minutes ago, I have zero children. That could change at any time, of course, but for right now, I am sans kids.

However, I have had your kids, and they are amazing.

I didn’t give birth to them, of course, but I was there with them on Day ½, when you posted that first picture of their bulbous heads on Facebook and I thought Damn, life IS precious. Then you posted that Status about them coming home for the first time and I thought This is the beginning of something wonderful.

I won’t lie, I got super annoyed those first few instances that you barely got to sleep for two hours over the course of a whole night. I myself slept for about fourteen hours those nights, I remember, but I imagined how tired you were, having to run back and forth from your bedroom to the baby’s, every time that little thing hungrily and exhaustedly cried out.

It really sucked when the little guy got an ear infection. My heart raced, because I know how sickness can affect a child. I don’t know from first-hand experience, but I do know that they’re super little. If you’re reading this, and you haven’t seen a baby before, the first thing you should know about them is that they’re like people made for being put in carry-on airplane luggage. They’re tiny, and illnesses that might not seem like shit to regular humans hit them really hard. So I waited for the doctors to tell you what you’d eventually tell Facebook which would eventually let me know that they were gonna be okay. Whew. Sigh of relief, am I right?

Hold on. It’s time to, with little thought of responsibility, play video games for six hours.

Okay, I’m back. They were very cute in their Christmas outfits, and even cuter in that video that you posted where they laughed at a barking dog. I’m sure it made the holiday season exponentially more wonderful and magical, now that you had a little bundle of joy in your life. I’m mostly talking about the baby, but I am talking a bit about the dog.

Kids grow up so fast, don’t they?

It seemed like, one minute, I was looking at photos of them taking their first steps, and the next I was reading updates about how they said their first words, and then I took a nap, completely uninterrupted by children. They really are a gift to all of us parents.

I can’t wait to see them on their first day of school, and watch them grow into the people that they’re eventually going to be. They give me a sense of purpose in my life that I never thought I needed. And I will “Like” and comment “Adorable!” on every single moment.

Alright. Time for more video games.


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