It’s incredibly hard to choose the proper title for the video that you’re about to upload on YouTube. How can you make someone’s skateboard mishap sound watchable? How can you properly put into words just how delightful it is that your puppy is learning how to howl? These are truly some of the hardest decisions that we must make in our lives.
That being said, there is nothing that I don’t like about the title of the video “Sean Connery fucking chick in “Never say never again”.” I didn’t watch the video, because Never Say Never Again is the James Bond movie equivalent of someone stealing your action figure, only to rip its arms off and then toss it back to you. It’s not the worst James Bond film – far from it. That honor goes to either Diamonds Are Forever or Die Another Day, but it is the worst thing that someone could possibly title Never Say Never Again, and that is reason enough to hate it.
At first glance, there isn’t much to see here. But when you dissect it, and pull it apart, only then does it become a glorious way to look at cinema.
Part 1: “Sean Connery”
Not even “James Bond,” but “Sean Connery,” the actor who played the role. This takes a fictional movie and turns it into a documentary. I immediately remove any pretenses that this video might be from a fantasy world, and view it through the lens of it being something that Sean Connery has actually done. This is candid Connery. He was having sex, and just happened to be caught on film.
Part 2: “fucking chick”
If there is a less romantic way to describe sex, you’re going to be arrested for just thinking about it. This is YouTube, where you try to make your video title accessible to everyone, but YouTube user Francois came out swinging, and alienated an entire population of people who never dreamed of wanting to see Sean Connery’s heaving, aging mass atop a “chick.” When you put “Sean Connery” and “fucking chick” together, it comes out like something you’d high-five a frat guy over. Hell yeah, Sean. Let’s shotgun this beer and then vomit on our khaki pants.
Part 3: in “Never say never again.”
There isn’t a lot to add once you get past the first four words, other than Francois got bored with capitalizing the letters of the movie title and stopped somewhere around the beginning of it. If I didn’t know any better, I could assume that “Never say never again” was the one minute and seven second, biographical account of Sean Connery and some poor lady, a woman forever immortalized to the 600 people who watched this video as someone who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.