Pippi Longstocking, Indiana Jones, Online Relationships and Watchmen: Jokes I Wrote 6 Years Ago

Ever since I grew to know hate, I’ve been trying to write jokes. Sadly, I didn’t grow to know grammar and syntax at the same rate, so most of my early work reads like it might have been scrawled with my own mouth froth.

These are a few examples of the things I wrote when I was 18/19. Most of them were originally published as a Facebook notes, because there’s no better way to promote your work than to shove it into the part of an over-crowded website that barely anyone cares about. When I looked back at them, they were mixed in between notes that detailed the great, existential, “no girls will date me” sadness that you experience when your brain isn’t evolved enough to handle logical rejection. To spare you getting sick of me, I left those out.

None of the notes have been changed in any way. I want you to see just how little I remembered what punctuation was back then. The only thing that’s been added are the pictures and their captions.

My Online Relationships

May 22, 2007

Thanks for making me remember Xanga, me.

Thanks for making me remember Xanga, me.

It all started out with Xanga. Xanga was great, she was simplistic and had a cool name, yet she wasnt willing to do alot of stuff with me, and was very limited. I also started to have feelings for another, a person called Myspace. So I went out with Myspace and immediately broke it off with Xanga.

I loved Myspace for nearly 2 years. She was everything I couldve asked for. She had so many options and she was a great way to connect. She never seemd limited to what she could do or in the areas that she could grow. I kept in touch with her all the time. Meanwhile though, I cheated on her a little with Blogger, but that affair didnt last since Blogger was being stubborn and wanted more commitments.

Sdaly, after almost 2 years it wasnt meant to last. I noticed a new girl, named Facebook who was more simple then Myspace. Also my friends all liked Facebook. Also Myspace was getting weird on me, like she kept trying to sell me free ringtones and stuff. So I started a relationship with Facebook and after a teary goodbye, told Myspace that I just couldnt see her anymore.

So now Im with Facebook and and Im happier now.

And so ends the relationship/online community metaphor

-the dan machine

Pippy Longstockings

October 7, 2007

Ill admit it, my elementary years were not the best of my life. They fluctuated bewteen average and horrible. But Im sure that I wouldve learned alot more and lived alot happier if I had not heard the terrifying stories of Pippi Longstockings, read to us ominously by teachers.

You'll never find their remains!

You’ll never find their remains!

To refresh your memories if youve forgotten or just never heard of this abomination of a (hopefully) fictional character, Pippi Longstockings was not an average girl. She might have been cool to the author but to me and many other children she was a beast, and not in a good way.

Standing 6 feet tall with two dirty, awkward “longstockings” of hair falling down her front, she lived by herself in the woods in a huge house where she would sleep at the top of a bunkbed, by herself. The fate of the child who shared the bunkbed with her is never revealed. My guess is that Pippi strangled her and then ate her while she slept.

Anyways, Pippi was not only big in size but she was super strong, able to lift up half a ton or more. She often used this strength to pick up two of the neighborhood boys and girls, a brother and a sister, and carry them to her house of lonliness. From there they would embark on adventures.

Pippi had a family though. A family made of pirates. When her pirate father finally appeared it was revealed that Pippi was stronger then him and the rest of his crew, which made it subliminally clear that it was up to Pippi whether anyone in the book’s cast lived or died.

Now this mountain girl was meant to be a fun loving preteen, but instead she came off as a daughter of a pirate, gargantuan, awkward hair’d child who caused all those in her surrounding area and even the children who heard the stories of her to live in constant fear.

Pippi Longstockings=Fear Itself

-the dan machine

Theyre Certainly Not Here For The Milkshakes: Indy Jones 4

May 24, 2008

Wow.

3rd on my summer movie tour comes Indiana Jones : Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I used to think there was not many ways you could ruin an Indiana Jones movie. Apparently there are dozens.
Consider The Following:

-Okay, breaking into Area 51. Cool.
– “Your embaressing us” okay this could be good.
-Throwing gun powder in the air to find a magnet. What?
-Indiana Jones, you just faced down 17 guys with guns. I doubt one more,
despite the fact that he is a traitor, is going to substantially hurt your mission.
– How in the hell did he get into a “Hills Have Eyes” esque radiation testing zone?
– Ooooh what a coincidence. Blowing up a bomb while Indy is in there.
-Hiding in the fridge. Indy’s senility gets the better of him.
– Unnecessary shot of “lead lining” notice on fridge. I would have had it to say “Energy Star” to get product placement money.
-Okay. He gets flung hundreds of feet. Through the air. Hits a car. Bounces down a rocky hill. In a fridge. And he escapes unscathed. Oh, it was lined with lead. That makes sense because obviously Im lined with stupid.
-Isnt that agent the janitor from Scrubs?
– Couldnt Mutt have given himself a better name then Mutt?
– Mutt is embroidered on his jacket. Really?
– Theyre certainly not here for the milkshakes. Thanks Indy. I too noticed their lack of interest in milkshakes.
– Westside Story esque scene follows. “When your a shark…..”
– How big is this campus? Theyve been driving in it for so long.
– Anti-Commie propagandist rally. How convenient and ironic.
– Psychic powers?
– Insert first theme. The need for an education.
– Trespassers will be shot. By who?
– Why was the blow dart sharp on both ends?
– Dont just let the ninja breakdance in front of you Shia! hit him with the shovel!
– Crystal skull looks plastic and filled with kitchen wrap and tin foil. Lame.
-Sean Connery’s characters dead. We get it.
– Armor looks like C-3PO.
-Indy Jones is also fluent in 6 million forms of communication.
– How did someone carve that in stone?
– Oxley is like Glick from the Wonder Twins. He always almost gets them killed and they still keep him on the team.
– “Ive known alot of Marys.” me too Indy. its a common name. Dont get so offended Shia.
-From up here the fire ants look like Reeses Pieces.
– How long is Indy’s fight with the russian in the ant circle gonna last. Indy needs to remember how to throw a good punch.
– Shia becomes Tarzan and leads his monkey friends to fight the commies while swinging on vines. George Lucas needs to hang himself from said vine.
– They land on the tree. Hmmm. Believable.
– 3 waterfalls. I mean he survived a nuclear explosion by hiding in a fridge. Aint no way Indy’s gonna get out of this pickle!
– He does.
– Is it people’s jobs just to hide in the walls of temples and wait?
-Do all ancient civilizations just leave dead people and bones lying around? seems like it would be messy and smell.
– Get Your Own stone!
– Just kill Mack. He adds nothing.
– Alien vs Predator vs Indy.
-Psychic commie who never does anything psychic gets her eyes exploded like Scanners, from overload of knowledge. Hey wasnt one of the themes education?
– Tell me its not a snake. Nuff said.
-Useless Oxley dropped the skull in the water scene.
– Just give the skull to someone else. Oxley is always dropping it or getting it stolen from him.
– Real creative on the spaceship there.
– Indy, just splurge a bit and buy another damn suit.
– I wanted the end to have Connery in the clouds like Mufasa from Lion King smiling down at Indy as he holds Shia over the temple wall. Oh well.
The End.
I give it a D-.

Let's get rad, ya'll.

Let’s get rad, ya’ll.

I thought it was funny…….The Lost Entries of Rorschach’s Journal (geek humor)

March 9, 2009

Rorschach’s Journal October 16, 1985:
Told Nightowl that Comedian’s blood on pin was human bean juice. ha ha. You still got it Rorschach, you still got it.

Rorschach’s Journal October 20, 1958:
To be honest I close my eyes when talking to Dr. Manhattan. He makes me feel uncomfortable. Will buy him boxers if he wants. Silk Spectre looks really hot. Would get with that if possible.

Rorschach’s Journal October 30, 1985:
Was listening to latest Huey Lewis and the News album. Could not hear prostitute talk to me on my way to Moloch’s house. Its not a good album. Hip To Be Square is only redeeming track.

Man, I aint cryin'. Nope. I aint.

Man, I aint cryin’. Nope. I aint.

Rorschach’s Journal November 8, 1985:
Midget threatened me today, obviously forgetting that he is in fact a midget, and that, while short, I am not.

Rorschach’s Journal November 15, 1985:
Psychiatrist gives me a rorschach test in some game of seeing how pissed off over irony I get. I tell him about hitting guys with dead dogs. He maybe peed himself twice.

Rorschach’s Journal November 18, 1985:
Killed said midget with a toilet. Teaches lessons to all other midgets that I’m not a fan.

Rorschach’s Journal November 20, 1985:
Saw Night Owl getting all smooth on Silk Spectre. Then saw Dr. Manhattan take her away. You dont just steal another bro’s lady. Not cool man. Not cool.

Rorschach’s Journal November 22, 1985:
Finally told Night Owl that his ship is unwieldy and looks stupid and that naming it after Merlin’s owl was dumb. Hugged him afterward and said I was sorry for making him cry. Then he told me that he couldnt get with a woman unless in costume. Got wierd real fast. Told him to keep that fact under wraps.

Rorschach’s Journal December 1 1985:
Really should have taken up that offer of something warmer to wear in Arctic. Im an idiot I know.

Rorschach’s Journal December 1 1985:
Ozymandius says that if you journal more than once a day, your a loser. I told him to never compromise. He said that that didnt even make any sense and then kicked the crap out of me and Night Owl again.

-Daniel

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