The Oscar nominees were released today, and I felt like there were a few categories missing. I feel like that’s a good enough introduction.
Best Time That I Was Disappointed When A Woman Didn’t Turn Into A Giant Snake
Very rarely do I get the chance to watch a film, and at a certain point think to myself This would be the perfect moment for that person to turn into a giant snake. Is that a subtle jab at Hollywood as a whole, and its over-reliance on things that are never going to transform into snakes? Yes. Check yourself, Hollywood.
During the final fight in the movie, where Hugh Jackman fights Silver Samurai, a character named Yukio fights a lady named Dr. Green, who is extremely snake-like. And it’s perfectly logical to assume that, since this is the climax of the movie, those snake-like tendencies would culminate in Dr. Green shedding her skin and turning into a massive serpent.
I know that she doesn’t do that in the comics, but come on! Give me one good reason why she wouldn’t turn into a giant snake other than “That’s not her power!” or “That’s not in the comics.” A giant robot suit is currently extracting mutant abilities from Wolverine. How? I don’t have a clue. What I’m saying is that anything is possible.
Best Creepy Everything
I loved Stoker, because I enjoy movies that can give me shiver pees and awkward feelings about what I’m watching. So, I’m giving Stoker this Oscar, as Matthew Goode wasn’t nominated for a real Oscar for his role as Uncle Charlie. That’s a serious oversight.
Best Use Of Sharlto Copley
Elysium and Oldboy
I won’t claim to know what an actor’s motivation is, because I am neither an actor, nor am I Sharlto Copley’s brain in the year of 2013. Maybe he woke up on January 1st of 2014, looked back on his batshit portrayals in both films listed above, and asked “I did that?” In Elysium, it seemed as if he was doing all he could to not scream every line (and every line he had in Elysium was totally meant to be screamed), and in Oldboy, it was like someone had described a James Bond villain to him, but that someone had only seen Die Another Day.
Regardless, Sharlto is a treasure to all of us, and if he can be hammy in at least two films a year, we should be thankful.
Best Character That I Got Excited For That Didn’t Matter At All
Bill Moseley – Texas Chainsaw 3D
It’s hard to not get excited about Bill Moseley acting in a new Chainsaw film. He’s been the best character in the entire series (Chop Top,) and to see that he was taking over for the late Jim Siedow to play Drayton Sawyer was a cool thought.
I won’t make fun of Texas Chainsaw 3D anymore, but if you never saw the original film, it wouldn’t matter who Bill Moseley played, considering his lack of screen time. In the memories of most, he’ll just be regarded as “Angry Man Wearing Brown.”
Best Argument That Didn’t Matter
The Use of Hip Hop Music in The Great Gatsby
Oh, yeah. I’m sure F. Scott Fitzgerald is rolling around in his grave because someone decided to put Jay-Z in The Great Gatsby. I’m sure that that was the reason that the film was underwhelming. Not the script that was proofread by a vengeful second grader. And definitely not the quality of some of the performances, less accurately described as actors just doing it for the money, and more accurately as “Where am I? How did I get here? Can we stop to explain all of this?”
Nope. What killed The Great Gatsby was Andre 3000, like history had always predicted.
Best Actor To Not Act Like He’s Been Acting Lately
Sylvester Stallone – Bullet to the Head
Sylvester Stallone seems content with making fun of himself, a joke that gets old within the first two seconds of you realizing that he’s making yet another Rocky reference. He’s not the greatest actor in the world, but it’s refreshing to see him play a character sincerely, rather than one who makes outdated internet jokes with Chuck Norris, daring us to eject the disc.
Best Use Of Jeff Goldblum Since The Original Film In 1993
Jurassic Park 3D
Look at him, gloriously displayed like a Greek God, talking about the inevitable failings of technology and chaos theory.
We got to see that in 3D this year? I don’t care about the economy or the government. We got to see Jeff Goldblum’s Ian Malcolm in 3D in 2013. It was good year.
Best Movie To Be Watched With The Sound Off
The Lords of Salem
Rob Zombie can be a decent writer when all he has to deal with are murderous hillbillies talking to other murderous hillbillies, but The Lords of Salem features almost zero murderous hillbillies. It also features almost zero direction in plot of any sort. I know that it’s a popular technique to view your writing as a garden, and just let the story and characters “grow”, but the garden that produced the script for The Lords of Salem was full of weeds and toads and a wasp’s nest.
The cinematography though? Beautiful. Zombie’s camera movements and use of color prove that he’s way better at direction if he gives himself the chance to do more than point the camera at a beard and shake it.
Best Movie That Eh, You’ll Rent, But You’ll Regret You Did
As I Lay Dying
I love Danny McBride, but I don’t know if he’s meant to be in William Faulkner adaptations. Maybe in a few years he’ll have improved as a dramatic actor, but his role as Vernon Tull in James Franco’s adaptation is this deadpan, expressionless thing that shows up onscreen simply to prove that it’s there.
Best Unstoppable Force Meeting An Immovable Object
Fast & Furious 6
It’s hard to find someone with bigger muscles that The Rock. I think that director Justin Lin found Kim Kold when The Rock sensed a threat, sniffing the air and realizing that, somewhere, there was the presence of huge pectorals. I’d seen Kim Kold before in the awesome films Dennis and Teddy Bear, but the need to see him throw around, and get thrown around by The Rock was something that I never knew I possessed.
Best Uninformed Opinion
“You’re Next Is Just A Rip Off Of The Purge!”
You’re Next is a movie that I’d heard about for two years (it initially premiered in 2011,) before it was finally released. And it was fantastic.
Sadly, it got released after The Purge. (Sad droopy trombone noise.)
On a side note, I know that a person shouldn’t have to feel obliged to Wikipedia what came first, but the people who package movie trailers should also realize that 95% of people watching movie trailers are teenagers who are hardwired to immediately tweet and comment aloud about any fact and observation that pops into their skulls. And they all sit behind me.
Thus, they shouldn’t put a trailer for The Purge right before a trailer for You’re Next. Those films look absolutely identical when you only have two minutes to show of them, and You’re Next is missing all the drama of having “ONE NIGHT A YEAR, THERE IS. NO. LAW.” slammed into the audience’s brain. Of course common audiences are going to favor The Purge. It’s the only one of those two films that tried to force you into thinking about how revolutionary its plot was.
Best Time That I Legitimately Thought Godzilla Was Going To Show Up
When the characters announced that it was the “first Category V Kaiju that they’d ever seen,” I just knew that Godzilla was going to show up. In its most effective moments (and it had very few of them), Pacific Rim turned me into a seven-year-old, and seven-year-old Daniel didn’t know shit about copyrights. When a hammerhead monster ended up emerging from the portal, the seven-year-old Daniel who had been co-piloting twenty-four-year-old Daniel’s body was filled with rage.
Worst Movie To Watch Drunk
Oh, yeah, Stephen. Why wouldn’t we stop into a bar for a few quick drinks before watching a movie where literally nothing good happens to anyone? Intoxication is the new bitter clarity, as they say. The only way to watch Cate Blanchett spiral out of control into a bottomless pit of delusion and self-hate is absolutely trashed.
Worst Side Character
Photographer Kid in Carrie
Photographer Kid: “You know that you can make it full screen, right?”
Carrie: “Yeah, random teen. I really want the entire library to see me looking up witchcraft videos on YouTube. That will make a great topic of interest during my daily afternoon hazing. You know, just for that, when I go nuts later, I’m going to telekinetically hit you with a table. Just for being a moron.”