It’s Never A Bad Time To Compare Pop Singers To Serial Killers

In her new album Prism, Katy Perry only has one featuring artist, on only one song “Dark Horse.” Now, one can listen to an entire Katy Perry album usually by hearing the first two tracks on a Katy Perry album, but she’s not the kind of person who absolutely needs people to feature on her stuff. She’s doesn’t get a third of the way through a song before she has to repeat herself.

With the power of Photoshop, you too can make Katy Perry fit inside a horse outline.

With the power of Photoshop, you too can make Katy Perry fit inside a horse outline.

That one featuring artist? Juicy J. Now, Juicy J is no Kanye West, who showed up on “E.T.” to rap about being an alien and probing you. That guy had a bar out on Mars. Juicy J owns no such property. Nor does Juicy J have the presence of Snoop Dogg, who featured in “California Gurls” to chat about freaky girls who drive jeeps.

Instead, Juicy J raps the weirdest verse in Top 40 radio this year so far. I don’t need to go into Katy Perry’s lyrics, as they mostly deal with being ready for her before you fall in love with her or something. They’re pretty self-explanatory. But Juicy J delivers something truly special.

“She’s a beast/I call her Karma

She eats your heart out like Jeffrey Dahmer”

When you’re dealing with songs made primarily for fourteen-year-old girls, it’s always good to maintain relevancy. That means inserting the crimes of a notorious serial killer from the early 90’s about eight seconds into your verse. When rappers appear on pop songs, their verses are usually seen as responses to the pop singer’s verses. For example, if the subject of Christina Aguilera’s verses was “Are we cool?”, Flo Rida’s verse would be all about “Yeah, we’re cool.” However, Juicy J took a look at Katy Perry’s verses and said “I don’t know any words that rhyme with Ted Bundy, SO….”

Is she Karma? Why is this Katy Perry song trying to make me hate Katy Perry so much?

Why not?

Why not?

“Be careful/Try not to lead her on,

Shawty’s heart is on steroids/’cause her love is so strong”

That’s pretty solid advice from Juicy there. You shouldn’t try to lead people on, especially Beast aka Karma aka Jeffrey DahmRoar aka Katy Perry.

But the second sentence needs some editing. I’ve ran it through my head a few times, and I’ve realized that Juicy J has got his cause and effect mixed up. Strength doesn’t cause steroids. A body builder doesn’t sweat so much that he eventually secretes muscle growth enhancement. Shawty’s love didn’t develop so much that it eventually decided to be on metaphorical steroids. It’s simple syntax.

“You may fall in love when you meet her,

If you get the chance, you better keep her”

I’m sorry Juicy, but once you compare your singer to a cannibal, it’s really tough to bounce back from that. If the allure of Katy Perry is what’s being offered here, then I think I’m going to retract my bid.

“She’s sweet as pie, but if you break her heart,

She’ll turn as cold as a freezer.”

Really? “Sweet as pie”? I sincerely doubt that considering every other fucking part of this song. And we never even got to the part about breaking her heart. I thought she was just difficult from the get-go.

“That fairy tale ending with a knight in shining armor/

She can be my sleeping beauty/I’m gon’ put her in a coma”

Well, that took a turn.

Katy Perry’s family gathers around Katy’s hospital bed. The heart monitor beeps softly in the background, and Katy’s parents can barely hold back the tears. The doctor enters the room, carrying his clipboard and having a sullen expression. “What happened?” Katy’s father demands.

The doctor, in a melancholic voice, reads from the medical report. “It appears she was sexed into a coma.”

Katy’s mother bursts into tears, and Katy’s father pauses for a second before raising both fists to the sky. “JUICY J!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” he screams, as he silently swears vengeance.

“Woo!”

That’s a glass-half-full way to look at this, Juicy J. Woo indeed.

“Damn, I think I love her/ Shawty so bad.

I’m sprung and I don’t care”

A nice outburst of defiance from Juicy J here. He’s sprung, but he doesn’t care. Juicy J is the James Dean of being sprung. He’s just a rebel without a cause, running very quickly out of lyrics.

You have the key to my love, Juicy J.

You have the key to my love, Juicy J.

“She ride me like a rollercoaster/

Turn the bedroom into a fair.”

As soon as we hit that part about the coma, all the pretenses came off. Now Katy Perry is just a sexual Carowinds. Maybe Juicy J doesn’t remember all those nice things he said about her and eating hearts and being sweet and stuff. Or maybe he was just hoping that he could get enough compliments out of the way so that, when he made the last half of the song about boning, it would be appropriate. He bought her flowers, so it’s cool.

“Her love is like a drug/ I was trying to hit and quit it,

But lil’ mama so dope/I messed around and got addicted.”

I have to give Juicy J credit where credit is due. Not many rappers can pull off comparing Katy Perry to a guy who murdered, raped and dismembered seventeen people. And neither does Juicy J, but at least he gives it a shot. Maybe this will usher in a new wave of rap music, where Jason Derulo shows up on a Rihanna song, just to talk about how beautiful her skin is in relation to Ed Gein.

But the last verse is a smorgasbord of clichés. Comparing someone’s love to a drug is only new if you were born today, and hadn’t yet heard “Dark Horse,” or the plethora of other songs that do it. And considering how often “Dark Horse” is being played now, that is a technical impossibility.

Nice work, Juicy J. I’m not sure if you accomplished what you meant to with this verse, but it certainly accomplished something.

-Daniel

Daniel is funny is expanding! Read more about it here!

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7 responses to “It’s Never A Bad Time To Compare Pop Singers To Serial Killers

  1. Ok what? Jeffrey Dahmer the cannabilistic serial killer in a song that’s really eek I don’t like to think Katty Perry doing that kinda of shit yuck

  2. Pingback: Katy Perry feat. Juicy J | DARK HORSE | meanspeed maps, tempo breakdown, Vevo Video | The Meanspeed® Post·

  3. Pingback: The Hot Dog Cart In Front Of Scully’s Is Your Salvation | Daniel is funny·

  4. Pingback: Katy Perry feat. Juicy J | DARK HORSE | meanspeed maps, tempo breakdown, Vevo Video | meanspeed® 2014·

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