Are you wondering what to wear in the final year of earth’s existence 2014? Are you tired of those same old jeans and toboggans? Don’t have much cash and it’s cramping your style?
If you said yes to all of those things-
All of them. Make sure you said yes to all of them, because, if you didn’t, you don’t have a right to complain. There are kids in China that wear t-shirts every day, and you don’t see them complaining.
Once you’ve said yes to all of them, keep reading for seven fashions that are sure to rock 2014. Your style should be WOW and this style should be NOW!
Skirt That’s Padded With Old Newspaper
Get that perfect twerking booty by filling your old skirts with rotting newspaper pieces. Never worry about being bored on the subway again, because now you have something to read where ever you go. They say print journalism is dead, but that butt sure isn’t!
Formless, shapeless, genderless, white latex body suit.
Completely masks who you are, and to a greater extent, what you are. You’re the only thing that people see in a dark alley. Perfect for nights out with friends. If someone asks you your name, howl at them in anguish and tear at your own face. Beg to be released.
Shirt That Has “Been There, PUN That” Written On It
Help to start the new trend of saying “Been There, PUN That” with no context beforehand. Research of internet demographics has helped us to conclude that people, especially teens, love phrases that they can repeat over and over again. Thus, by wearing this shirt, regardless of your actual age, you’ll be the coolest thirteen-year-old around. Hang out at the local middle school. Talk about Taylor Swift or Angry Birds or something. Be invited to the dance. Be arrested. Don’t buy this shirt.
Tie bandannas around your limbs. You can buy bandannas in packs that are, like, four for three dollars. This is really the most cost-efficient way to go shopping for clothes. Just wear bandannas, dude. You’re single now, man. Live free, dude.
Heath Ledger’s Joker Character From The Dark Knight
The Halloween costume of 2008 is the fab fashion choice of 2014. Dust off your old “A little fight in you. I like that!” impression and walk around the mall, or on the beach. Cover your face haphazardly in paint and lick your lips a lot. Buy old rubber scars from the costume store and declare yourself to be an agent of chaos. Wear skirt with padded newspaper underneath as well for the ultimate fashion combination!
Finally Forgive Your Ex
You were seventeen and stupid. They didn’t mean to hurt you. It was their first relationship too, and there’s no reason to be bitter anymore. Let it go. Nothing looks better on a person than a smile!
It might not protect you from total fashion extinction, but as your brethren lay on the ground, choking and gasping for air, you’ll at least be cool until the nuke-beasts begin to prowl the wastelands. Also, the gas mask will make your voice sound silly. Hello, I’m a robot, haha. This is where my house used to be, where I grew up. I used to have a dog and a family. Do you hear that? Oh God. Run. Run as fast as you can.