Every morning, you wake up and notice that you’re getting a little bit older. And being older isn’t cool. Now, you’re going to hear a lot of advice on how stay young and healthy over time, and much of it will include stuff like “dieting” and “exercise” and “happiness,” but none of these are ever very specific. So, I’ve listen ten precise ways to keep your youth intact.
1. The next time your partner says that he/she is too tired to make love, leave the room, grab your skateboard, and then skateboard through the door, and land on the bed. Your partner will be so impressed with your youth and virility that they can’t help but get a little excited themselves. Repeat every day, twice a day, until the skateboard breaks.
2. Hang out at the mall. If you see a group of teenagers, approach them and throw up gang signs. Any combination and mixture of fingers will do. Explain that you, too, are the Ke$ha and that you are ready to be their chaperone of fun. Throw eggs at the food court Sbarro and use phrases like “You aint about that life,” and “Shawty want a thug.”
3. Buy the latest video game systems and tell your children that they’re not allowed to touch them. Then, spill Coke on the games and don’t even care about it. Having no worries is important when you’re trying to feel young again.
4. Go the local college campus and challenge the biggest guy you see to a fight. If he says that he’s not going to fight an old person, steal his girlfriend behind his back. Divorce your wife. Become terrified of commitment. Fall in love over and over again with the wrong people. Become jaded far too early.
5. Go hat shopping, and when you finally purchase one, turn it around backwards. Do some fucking parkour at a playground somewhere. Holy shit, that guy’s awesome.
6. Make a Facebook post about the haters. If you don’t have any haters, invent some. For example, there’s always Tim. Jesus, Tim is always trying to start a problem. Like your business is any of his business, you know? Call out Tim. If you already have a friend named Tim, regardless of his personality, promptly end that friendship. Aint no good ever come out of a guy named Tim.
7. Make a lot of playlists for different situations, and then take a shot for every playlist you make.
8. Go to the gym and don’t even stretch or warm up. Take a few dumbbells and just drop them on the ground really hard. Do it over and over again until they’re forced to give you a membership there, just so you won’t ever be inclined to come back.
9. Take your jeans and cut holes in them, around the knees and butt areas. Call your parents to tell them that you did this. Learn how to use an iPhone and don’t even ask anyone for help with it. Drop the iPhone all the time. All the time.
10. Chill at Starbucks. Meet people at Starbucks. Complain about Starbucks. Make love in a Starbucks bathroom ironically. Settle for Starbucks sometimes.