J.K. Rowling, author of the famed Harry Potter series, recently announced that she regrets putting Ron and Hermione together. While this doesn’t make up for the grievous, emotional blow that readers feel every time they read the seventh Potter book’s epilogue, it is nice to know that J.K. is just as pre-occupied with unimportant shit as we are. That’s why I’ve taken the time to think of six other fictional relationships that make more sense than the ones that actually occurred.
The Actual Couple: Hillbilly and Ned Beatty
The Logical Pairing: Hillbilly and Pig
The “squeal like a pig” line has unintentionally become the sixth love language. It’s South Carolina’s state motto, and Kentucky’s version of 50 Shades of Grey. And when the hillbilly demands it in Deliverance, you know it comes from a deep longing that no city boy can ever hope to satisfy. Maybe that hillbilly dreams of the one pig that got away, or the pig that he turned into bacon when he should’ve been trying to put a ring on its hoof. All I know is that, when that deranged redneck goes to bed at night, and tries to, despite his loneliness, fall asleep, he dreams of the only pig that was worth keeping.
The one swine that meant something.
The Actual Couple: Edward and Bella
The Logical Pairing: Bella and any other normal high school student
Jokes about the Twilight series are currently buried somewhere deep in a New Mexico desert landfill. Whenever someone posts the meme of “Still a better love story than Twilight,” they awaken a ghost that does nothing but sigh into a corner. It’s such an overused subject of parody that in comparison, Star Wars looks like dangerous, untouched territory.
So, look at this as more of a piece from a Life Skills class, rather than another tired jab at a series about vampires who had distant fathers. Bella would’ve improved her life by hooking up with anyone else. ANYONE else. Certainly there was a dude in shop class, or a friend that worked at a local movie theater who thought she was cute enough to ask on a date. She might have had a stable career, or better yet, not been involved in a life and death struggle that will last for the entirety of her existence, had she just gone to the mall with some weird kid from Geometry.
The Actual Couple: Kong and Ann
The Logical Pairing: Kong and Jack
Eventually Kong is going to get tired of this bleating, blonde thing that he holds in his palm. I know that the movie makes a big deal about Kong’s fixation with Ann’s hair and beauty, but he’s a giant ape and the last of his kind, living alone on an island shaped like a skull. He’s not going to be that hard to please. If you give him a rubber dog toy with a squeak box inside of it, you could keep him busy for another millennia.
It’s not too much of a leap to imagine that Jack could’ve been a perfect substitute for Ann, and probably one that wouldn’t have ruined the vibe by yelling all the time, and attracting dinosaurs at every opportunity. Had Kong picked up that strapping sailor, instead of the wannabe actress, he would be almost 100% less filled with Tyrannosaur teeth, and still had the same amount of toy to play with, before he got too rough and accidentally Of Mice and Men’d it.
The Actual Couple: Rose and Jack
The Logical Pairing: Rose and Some Other Rich Person
I know that love is supposed to conquer all. But you can’t pay rent with hugs, and you can’t buy food with compliments, no matter how drunk you get before you go to Ingles to get sandwiches. Don’t judge me. You don’t know how necessary those sandwiches were at the time.
Rose shouldn’t have stayed with Cal, that abusive rich asshole. But because one millionaire sucked doesn’t mean that they all do. Romantic stories usually generalize that people with too much money are universally awful, but I’ve met my fair share of middle class people with mostly offensive characteristics too. Her family obviously had connections, and some tycoon’s son would have inevitably hit it off with Rose. This would’ve saved her all of those pesky starvation issues that she would’ve had to face with Jack, as they sat alone in their five-square-feet, cardboard house, talking about that one time that she didn’t give up hope.
The Dark Knight Trilogy
The Actual Couple: Bruce and Selina
The Logical Pairing: Bruce and one of those hot, foreign girls from Batman Begins
No matter who Batman dates, he’s always going to have a problem with either telling the girl his secret, or trying to keep her from figuring it out. That’s why Batman should’ve gone for a girl who wouldn’t ask that many questions about his night time ventures. In Batman Begins, Bruce Wayne is seen having fun with two foreign girls who seem eager to jump into a fountain with him, regardless of the location’s standards or decorum. These are the type of people who aren’t going to ask questions whenever the Bat Signal lights up and Bruce Wayne has to evacuate his dinner plans again. They’re going to be totally cool with it, a personality trait that is often missing from the list that people feel the need to consult before finding a mate.
Bride of Frankenstein
The Actual Couple: Henry and Elizabeth
The Logical Pairing: Henry and the Bride
It wasn’t very hard to get Henry Frankenstein back into the business of re-animating the dead. After being nearly murdered by his own scientific mishap in the first film, all it took to get him to revisit the same idiot concept were a few abominations created by an obvious madman. Henry wasn’t going to stop making dead people un-dead until one of his creations managed to get lucky enough to strange him. It must’ve been hard on Elizabeth to have a husband whose only goal in life was sewing together limbs from graveyards. If you’ve ever seen or read anything Frankenstein-related, you’d know that Elizabeth didn’t handle confrontation very well, and choosing to rob corpses is about as in-your-face as a career path can get.
I’m not an expert in bringing stuff back to life, but I have seen movies. Lots and lots of movies. So I know that, usually, when you feel that first jolt of electricity in the membranes of your brain tissue, your mind restarts. You have to re-learn everything. Thus, it shouldn’t be too hard, as a scientist, to convince your newly “awakened” girlfriend that 1) your old flame Elizabeth didn’t mean much to you, and 2) that yelling “It’s alive!” after every success is completely normal. People have apparently been taught that dating an oppressive, immortal vampire is okay. Convincing someone that your choice in unconventional digging spots is fine shouldn’t be that much of a challenge.