Going on the internet now is like drinking from a pool of contaminated water. You might end up quenching whatever thirst you had, if you’re lucky. You also might end up pooping and vomiting during an evening that you could have spent doing things that actually better yourself. This list is about the latter half of those two possibilities.
Cause: When you and one or more friends gather together to take pictures in front of your laptop, often testing the different effects and filters in each one.
Symptoms: Boring Saturdays. Boring besties.
Cure: Getting more imaginative besties.
Repeating Twitter Syndrome
Cause: When you post a tweet, but figure out a better, more accurate way to say it, delete the original tweet, and then post the new one.
Symptoms: Paranoia, because someone might have seen that first tweet.
Cure: Checking your spelling, and actually thinking before you post something that the entire universe can see.
Cause: When you post a hilarious/insightful Facebook status, and no one Likes or comments on it.
Symptoms: Emptiness, a feeling of failure
Cure: An actual sense of humor, or realizing that, while people care about what you have to say a lot of the time, sometimes, no one does.
Cause: When you post something from fake/satirical website, thinking that it’s actual news.
Symptoms: False outrage, you looking like a giant dummy
Cure: Clicking on the “About” page of a site before you go around taking everything on it as gospel.
Dog Vid Echoing
Cause: Watching one video of a cute pet, and then being unable to stop yourself from watching more.
Symptoms: Lost time, giggling
Cure: No known cure. Eventually, you see all of them, at which point you’ll simply begin watching them all over again.
Seasonal (Valentine) Depression
Cause: Being depressed on Valentine’s Day, and only on Valentine’s Day, because Valentine’s Day is a capitalistic, marketing monster of a holiday, and you’re single during it.
Symptoms: Letting people know just how furious you are by posting about it. Hoping for approval from people who also hate this terrible, deranged romance fest.
Cure: Turning 23.
Cause: When a lot of people on the internet believe one thing, but you, for the sake of being rad and edgy, believe something else.
Symptoms: Becoming a Twitter comedian
Cure: Hundreds of people telling you that you have no taste and/or that you’re an idiot.
Cause: You’re illegally downloading something on the internet, and getting mad when the thing that you’re getting, unlawfully and for free, is just coming to your computer too slowly.
Symptoms: SINGERS ARE ALREADY MILLIONAIRES. WHAT DOES LOSING TWELVE DOLLARS MEAN TO KANYE WEST, HUH?
Cure: Finding the loophole, such as joining the cause to support independent artists, because people who are not famous actually require more daily nutrition and shelter than the people who are.
Cause: When you get embarrassed about your age being seen in public places.
Symptoms: Deleting the year you were born on Facebook, leaving just the month and the day. You get all the benefits of being wished a happy birthday, without having anyone think you’re lame for spending so much time fretting about your online presence.
Cure: Long term relationships, hobbies
SEO Convulsion Aches
Cause: Watching other blogs become “famous,” so you begin to tailor your posts in ways that you think are “marketable.”
Symptoms: Using keywords and phrases like “Top Ten,” “Justin Bieber,” and “sex tips.”
Cure: Focusing on writing what you like, rather than writing what you think will land you a Huffington Post columnist spot.