I’ve seen enough AXE commercials to know that it’s scientifically impossible to attract women without the use of an AXE product. Every guy in the first five seconds of an AXE commercial has his shirt tail tucked deeply into his genital tangle, while he carries a brain that hardwires him into a life of stuttering and bumping into objects. Before AXE was invented, men didn’t even know what sex was. They knew it existed, but when it came to the necessary ingredients for it, they were clueless. It wasn’t until AXE body spray was shoved into the market that men finally started to pay attention, and stop considering non-spiked hair as a way to enter the dating game.

The font for “Excite” is like something you’d see written on an ancient papyrus leaf. The Egyptians used Axe Excite to determine who would be sacrificed to an afterlife of sheer orgasm.

The font for “Excite” is like something you’d see written on an ancient papyrus leaf. The Egyptians used Axe Excite to determine who would be sacrificed to an afterlife of sheer orgasm.

I knew that AXE Excite was a quality product from the moment that I read the word “Excite.” Turning a woman on is an even bigger mystery than sex. It has something to do with hands and tongues, but any murder trial will tell you that that mixture leads to deadly consequences 90% of the time. Thus, men are hesitant to try and “excite” a woman. Modern mythology has taught us that failing in our attempts to woo women will leave us cursed to a life of Big Bang Theorizing, so it is such a relief to find a body wash that will do all the work for us. We don’t even have to say hello anymore. Look at those pheromones emanating from “Excite.” Women will be readying themselves for motherhood from our scent alone.

axe excite 2

I don’t know how “Ultra lather” or “super-charged” compare to just regular “lather” and “charged”, but I do know that ladies…, so I’ll take AXE’s word for it. To be honest, I don’t even think “Ultra lather” is a correct combination of words in any context, but I imagine that it sounds hot coming out of a woman groaning pleasurably, due to all of my “addictive fragrances” hitting her at once. On that note, I don’t think I’ve ever been “addictive” before, so it’s a plus to know that I’m going to start having my text messages answered.

See that, guys. Not just women, but dead women are going to fall for us, now that we’re using AXE Excite. Angels, literal angels will plummet from heaven to sleep with us. Is AXE Excite the thing that will bring about the biblical Rapture? If so, great. The final reckoning of our souls is about to be hot.

It makes me sad that the copy writer who produced the back of the AXE Excite bottle was too covered in girls to come up with more than three adjectives. Think of all of the words that he could have thought to use besides “addictive,” had those strippers and models not beat down his work-from-home office door to get to his junk.

axe excite 3

“THE CLEANER YOU ARE, THE DIRTIER YOU GET” is only something that you come up with when your idea of sex is begrudgingly staring at your wife from across the couch when she says she’s too tired for a back rub. This word play must have been written before the bottle was actually filled with AXE Excite Body Wash/Olympian Lubricant. To distract you from the same joke that would appear on a tampon’s suicide note, AXE Excite inserted these nice pictures to help you understand the process of just how Axe Excite will affect your life. First, you use it in the shower, because otherwise you’ll drip smelly, purple liquid all over the floor of the bar. Next, you’re simply approached by women wearing red dresses, the color of both passion and very imaginary passion. All you have to grasp is two steps, whereas, beforehand, you had to go through the complicated ordeal of inventing a fake publishing date for your novel.

And finally, you read “UNLIMITED FEMALE ATTENTION,” and, I’ll admit, it’s scary to consider that kind of omnipotence, especially when the statement is paired with a little picture of a lipstick stain. The lipstick stain is the international symbol of both wearing a suit (aka being cool,) AND getting laid the night before, so it puts everything in perspective. This body wash is about to change your life, along with the course of humanity. Are you ready, guys? The revolution starts with AXE Excite.


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3 responses to “How AXE Body Wash Gets You “UNLIMITED FEMALE ATTENTION”

  1. I’m so glad I’ve been forewarned about this bodywash. I hope that I may now be able to try and attempt resistance to such a strong, powerful male tool for seduction. I’ve been single for quite a while now so I’m not so sure I’ll need a lot of coaxing but I still want it to be on my terms lol. I’d hate to succumb to something that’s “addictive.” Geez. Hell I’ll have to be sure to wear a mask when I go near that isle to buy my own bodywash now it’s so strong. 🙂 I’d really hate for there to be an “incident” in Target or Wal-Mart.

  2. I’ve been using this body wash and that would explain my unlimited female attention. I mean seriously, bitches be THROWING themselves at me

  3. Nice deconstruction of the most repellent stench to come from a pressurised can. In the UK it is known as LYNX. But it stinks the same.
    Its sad that teenage boys buy into this, I once did until I couldnt handle all the female attention I was getting…of course not.

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