Do you own a bedroom?
If you answered yes, you’re one of fifty-two million Americans not having sex in it right now. Maybe it’s because the passion has left the relationship, or maybe it’s because you’re simply too tired, but you can’t let excuses get in the way of an impossibly good sex life.
1. You and your partner start at opposite ends of a hallway. Run towards each other as fast as you can, genitals pointing forward, and collide. Repeat until you achieve insertion.
2. Ask your partner what their favorite type of fruit is. The next night, place a basket near the bed. You won’t get laid that night, but it’s a sweet gesture nonetheless.
3. Role play as your favorite movie characters. For example, if you’re a woman, pretend to be the beautiful and clever Princess Leia, while your husband acts out the role of feared, intergalactic bounty hunter Boba Fett. But aghhh, Boba Fett was killed in the Sarlacc Pit! Not if we count the Expanded Universe, sweetheart! The Expanded Universe isn’t truly part of Star Wars canon! Whatever, I’m not in the mood anymore.
4. Fill a can of cashews with a spring and dozens of condoms. When they open the can, surprise! They’ll have a face full of their own insecurities. Talk to a doctor.
5. Get the police involved.
6. Send your partner a dirty text while they’re at work. Ask them a few hours later if they’re going to go by the grocery store on the way home. Confuse their libido. Strike when they least expect it. Gain victory.
7. Believe in yourself.
8. Initiate foreplay by challenging your partner to answer a complex series of riddles. Beauty isn’t the only thing that should be valued. A perfect partner is also intelligent.
9. Create a safe word in case things get too rough. For example, “This polyamorous relationship has done nothing but make me jealous and afraid, baby,” works.
10. Put rose petals all over the bed. Those get fucking annoying fast.
11. Watch a movie in bed together. You have work tomorrow. You need to get some sleep.
12. Put on a hip hop song and grind a little bit before starting sex. Afterwards, discuss twerking and cultural appropriation.
13. Get the blood flowing by robbing a lingerie store. You’ll find yourself both aroused AND prepared for anything that comes next.
14. Giggle shyly.
15. Call each other nasty names during sex. Create a flashback to a time they had with an ex. Do you stack up to their ex? Will you ever be as good in bed as they were? Can you love people in different ways? Ponder this between thrusts.
16. Hit the gym, because there’s no one who doesn’t like a hot body. Surprise them with your hard-earned six pack. Divorce. No amount of doing the dishes is going to raise this Titanic.
17. Feed your partner a strawberry, like in the movies. Do Disney princesses, ten years into the marriage, wish they had taken things slower before committing?
18. Get busy in public, but make sure that it won’t be a in a place that would be potentially damaging to your or your partner’s careers.
19. Read a few sex tips on the internet, and then quickly minimize the page when your partner walks by.
20. Agree to try out new positions on a regular basis. Take into account your partners bad back and your own weak arms. Breathe into each other’s faces for ten minutes before one of you finishes.
21. If your partner has been mentioning the name of someone from their workplace a lot lately, yell “Call me (insert person’s name here!” during sex. Leave them baffled. Check their text messages while they’re not around. You know that you’re curious. It’s not like they’re going to know better. Just one peek won’t hurt…
22. Give nicknames to your junk that completes a certain metaphor. For example, “LOWER THE DRAWBRIDGE FOR SIR LANCELOT!” or “HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE.”
23. Sing Katy Perry’s song “Teenage Dream” to your partner while you’re undressing. That song is about having sex that’s so good that it makes you feel young again, correct? God, I hope I’m right about this one.
24. Buy flavored condoms. It’ll be weird at first.
25. If you don’t think about farting, it won’t happen. Don’t psych yourself out. Make a good first impression. Your last girlfriend wasn’t right for you anyway. Be cool, man.