12 Holidays That Would Be More Useful Than Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day has come and gone, but that doesn’t mean that your enthusiasm for themed days has to. The following is a list of holidays that will simply add to the joy of having to prepare for things. And, unlike Valentine’s Day, they won’t have been wasted if you get dumped in March.

January 2nd is Last Minute Change To Your New Year’s Resolution Day

This holiday would give you the chance to reconsider that promise you made to yourself on New Year’s Eve. No harm, no foul. It will be like the resolution you made never even existed, so you don’t have to worry about feeling guilty for breaking it. Are you really going to try and lose that weight? Are you really going to devote more time to your hobbies? Are you going to finish that novel? Think about it for a second, and then just resolve to do some crunches.

Yeah, his way! The gun way!

Yeah, his way! The gun way!

February 20th is Death Wish II Day

On February 20th, 1982, the sequel to Death Wish, appropriately titled “Death Wish II,” was released. Now, considering that the plot of the first Death Wish concerned a father’s attempt to get revenge ON THE STREETS THEMSELES for the brutal killing of his wife and rape of his daughter by gang members, it would be pretty hard to top that in a sequel. Director Michael Winner didn’t even try to one up the original film, and just made a louder version, where the father gets revenge on the gang that raped and killed his daughter, because in the Death Wish universe, crime has, at most, about three to four targets.

This holiday would celebrate all the needless sequels out there, the ones that don’t try to do anything different from the first film, other than just make it more exploding. Take this day to watch films like the aforementioned Death Wish II and other classics like Jaws II, Friday the 13th Part 2, and The Lost World: Jurassic Park.

March 18th is Free Bojangles’ Day

St. Patrick’s Day is an annual experiment in Jagermeister transfusions. It’s not so much a holiday as it is a slow step for human evolution to get to the point where we can swim in Coors Light without the use of gills. And the feeling you get the day after is your brain attempting to pound its way out of your skull, so that it can travel to another, smarter body.

To help with hangovers, we often prescribe greasy food as a cure. I’m not sure of the science behind it, but I do know that if it was remotely accurate, the next step to finding the solution to the cancer issue lies somewhere in the depths of a Beefy Five-Layer Burrito. Regardless, things that have been deep-fried after being frozen for the past six years make me feel better after a night of spilling things down the front of my sweater, so why not create a Free Bojangles’ Day? It would provide a good service to the American people AND it would be good PR for Bojangles’, because it’s a universally known fact that about half of the chicken served there is actual chicken, while the other half could double as cadaver adhesives.

"Last night's whiskey got you down? We got ya' covered." - A Better Bojangles' Slogan

“Last night’s whiskey got you down? We got ya’ covered.” – A Better Bojangles’ Slogan

April 7th is Vodka Day

The word “vodka” was first recorded in 1405. I have no idea what the exact date was, but April 7th is as good of a day as any to celebrate the fact that vodka exists. It looks like water, but tastes like liquefied Saran Wrap. It truly is the greatest invention of the modern age.

May 7th is No Eminem/Rihanna Collaborations Day

For one day of the year, please, can we not hear a duet from Eminem and Rihanna? They’re both talented artists, but they mix about as well as cats and table edges when someone is nearby with a video camera. Playing “The Monster” is the best way to tell your Spotify account that you want an open relationship, and “Love The Way You Lie” might be the reason that my headphones flinch whenever I reach to pick them up.

June 22nd is Take Your Shower Arguments Into Real Life Day

On June 22nd, you will be able to go up to the subjects of your personal rants that you make in the shower, and tell them exactly how you feel. Angry at the lack of attention that you’re getting from a girlfriend? Mad about the lack of a promised pay raise from your boss? Your “Hot/Cold” knob knows all of your concerns, and soon the people you’re frustrated with will know them too.

He's just like you, except better looking in jackets.

He’s just like you, except better looking in jackets.

July 19th is Get All Your “Feels” About Benedict Cumberbatch Out Day

For those of you that are unaware, an evil demon once threatened to destroy the internet, and love, as we knew it. Luckily, Benedict Cumberbatch slayed the monster and saved all of us, but he wouldn’t admit that he ever did it, because he’s just so humble and relatable. This day would serve as a time where all the Cumber Patch Kids could let their enthusiasm be known to the fullest extent, without anyone telling them “You know, I really think Elementary is the superior show…”

August 1st is MTV Day

In 1982, MTV began broadcasting, and aired its first music video. I’m not the kind of person who exclaims “WHY IS IT CALLED ‘MTV’ WHEN IT DOESN’T EVEN PLAY MUSIC?!?”, because that joke should be shut, screaming and clawing, into a coffin, so I say that we should celebrate MTV in all of its forms. If you want to remember the “golden age” of MTV, you can, but on August 1st, you should also be forced to appreciate the new era of MTV, where it has become a channel devoted to young adults shouting at each other in a house that they all share.

September 13th is Nostalgia Day

Just like the day devoted to Benedict Cumberbatch, this day would be solely for getting excited about the things you got excited about a decade ago. Watch the 90’s X-Men cartoon opening on YouTube repeatedly. Change your cell phone ringer to the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers wrist communicator beep for the day. Try to sit through a whole season of Card Captors (You can’t.) Get it all out of your system, and then finally go to middle school.

October 19th is Tequila Day

It’s like Vodka Day, only with more toilet.

November 28th is 2nd Thanksgiving

It’s tough to properly organize the visiting of families on Thanksgiving. While I’m hanging out with my girlfriend’s parents, my own parents cook up a healthy plate of resentment for me. Thus, instead of Black Friday, where Best Buy customers re-enact The Purge, I submit the idea of there being an additional Thanksgiving. No deity was born, nor did one rise again on this day, so there’s really no blasphemy with having a second one. It works out for every party involved, especially me. I don’t get yelled at for not appreciating any future in-laws, and I also get written into the will.

December 23rd is Holiday Holiday

Celebrate whatever holiday you want! Big fan of Jesus? Hide some painted eggs around the yard. Love your wife? Give her some chocolates in a heart-shaped box. Like every holiday? Drink. On Holiday Holiday, you can do whatever you want, as long as it’s holiday-appropriate.

-Daniel

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6 responses to “12 Holidays That Would Be More Useful Than Valentine’s Day

  1. Laughing, but some of these should really happen! The days after New Year’s and Thanksgiving–brilliant. Also loved the take-your-shower-arguments-into-real-life Yom-Kippur-Day-of-Atonement-Can-Suck-It-Day! Never was one for turning the other cheek, unless offering up a nether region for a kiss. Please stop writing now, so I can stop reading your posts and get some other stuff done.

      • Hah! In my case, then, sir, you’ve failed utterly! I contribute nada! Zilch! Zippo! I’m a solid -1%-er! Although, one likes to think that, in one’s own small, barely significant way, one might be a catalyst of positive change. A beneficial ripple in the larger pond. That when spitting into the online ocean, the wind is not always in one’s face…

  2. Not sure which I’m more excited to celebrate..DW II day or possibly my new favorite “Shower Argument Day” which to tell ya the truth it’s jes comforting to know there are other SA’s out there n I’m not alone.

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