Being a former seventh-grader, I’m very experienced in the art of coming up with fake girlfriends. I’ve had so many relationships with ladies who “went to a different school, in another state,” that I learned how to date simply by admitting that I was right all the time. I couldn’t describe what a woman was beyond my own mother and Power Girl, and I’m still not sure exactly how to explain what one looks like, though I’d probably start with “different pants from me.”
People that often deal with describing the female form are rappers. Rappers spend most of their lifetime giving us fantastical descriptions of ladies, and quite often I refuse to believe that most rappers have even met one. Unless the female orgasm is triggered by Lil’ Wayne’s laugh. In that case, I’m sorry, everyone alive. But these are seven women from rap songs who absolutely have to be made up.
2 Chainz first exploded into my sphere of influence with the line “She got a big booty, so I call her Big Booty!,” from the song “Birthday Song.” I marveled, and still marvel, at the eloquence that lies in that kind of directness. Other rappers would have approached it in a way that wasn’t saying the same goddamn thing twice. They would’ve tried to make some sort of pun off of the girl having a giant butt, but not 2 Chainz. Most rappers are so accustomed to thinking up actual lyrics that calling a girl “Big Booty” because she got a big booty would be the fourth or fifth thing to pop up under their mental list titled “Names For A Girl With A Big Booty.” Calling her “Big Booty” loops through all of the clever, albeit typical choices, and goes right back around to being genius.
It was such a hilarious concept to 2 Chainz that Big Booty popped up again, recently, in Jason Derulo’s song “Talk Dirty 2 Me” aka “Big Booty 2: Big Twoty.” And if your first guess about this new lyric was that it was 2 Chainz saying “big booty” twice again, then I commend you for being just as good of a rapper as 2 Chainz is. “Got her saved on my phone under ‘Big Booty’!” 2 Chainz croons. I’m not qualified enough as a rapper to deem whether saying “Got her saved on my phone under ‘Big Booty’!” twice in the space of eight seconds is a good example of lyrics or not, but I imagine that rapping it is immediately followed by asking God for a mulligan.
In this latest helping of Big Booty, 2 Chainz gets noticeably excited the second time he mentions her name, as if to say “Don’t you understand how monumental this is?!? She’s saved in my phone under ‘Big Booty!’ That’s her name in my phone!” If the logic of this is to be believed, then 2 Chainz met this girl, got her number, and as she said her name, 2 Chainz ignored that sound-making gap in her non-booty entirely, opting instead to knight her in his Contacts list under the feature that he noticed most on her.
All The Women In “Freak-A-Leek”
“Freek-A-Leek” serves both as a song, and as an audiobook of Petey Pablo’s OkCupid profile. I don’t know if it accurately describes what Petey Pablo’s ideal woman is, but it at least gives us a glimpse into his aborted Stepford Wives remake. There have been dirtier rap songs made, but “Freek-A-Leek” is to the genre of rap that talks about hot ladies, what Lord of the Rings is to the fantasy genre: A beautiful, mythic work that remains the standard for that kind of literature.
I honestly don’t know how the names of these women fit into the song. They’re girl names in a song about sexually-open women, so that’s nice, but are they women who Petey Pablo has found to fit the criteria that he just listed? Are they names that just came off the top of Pablo’s head? Were they all exact matches to the lyrics of “Freek-A-Leek?” Or did Yolanda once tell Sabrina “I wish that he didn’t cram my feet so hard into the head board.”
His Kinda Girl
Pitbull really isn’t known for being a hit with the ladies, despite what he says. If Pitbull’s relationships are anything like his appearances in songs, he pops out from under your blankets at night to shout sweet catchphrases in your ear when you least expect it. Up until “My Kinda Girl,” Pitbull had never really given us an extended list of what he thinks makes up the perfect woman. All we had to go on was a comprehensive list of countries, and a trail of sunglasses.
“My Kinda Girl” reminds us that everything cool that Pitbull talks about has to first be sifted through Pitbull himself. In the second line, Pitbull mentions that “Other girls want my girl…,” which is a swell feature, I imagine. It’s good to feel like you’re attractive to other people. But then Pitbull turns the line into a pat on his own back by adding “…which I think is cool.” I’m glad you’re so open to this, Mr. Worldwide, so open that you “think it’s cool.” Then again, it is a Pitbull song. It would totally kill the club-intensive vibe of the tune if he said “Other girls want my girl, and my insecurities make me very uncomfortable with it.”
In a list primarily dedicated to booty and all of the locations adjacent to booty, the girl from “My Kinda Girl” is relatively pure. Pitbull talks about doing “business with sharks” and it seems that what Pitbull is looking for is just a girl that will put up with him. It’s a terribly sad reality. Pitbull’s dream is finding a lady who doesn’t necessarily love him, just one who tolerates him.
In 2007, just as I entered my freshman year of college, Lil’ Wayne was a staple in a diet that included vending machine foods not fit for consumption by organic beings, and Burnett’s. And longtime readers of Daniel Is Funny might be starting to notice how much I mention Burnett’s as my go-to drink when talking about anything related to college, but I can’t stress enough just how much of that shit I poured into my body in a four-year period. You could get a hangover just from looking at the results of one of my sophomore year x-ray scans.
Lil’ Wayne’s prowess with women is, at best, questionable, as he looks and sounds like the villain in a Mucinex commercial. So it’s the ultimate suspension of disbelief when Lil’ Wayne talks about seducing a cop. “Seducing” isn’t even the right word here, as Lil’ Wayne plays the role of “Inevitable Sexual Magnet” in the song “Mrs. Officer.” He doesn’t really do anything, and the sex just sort of happens. Why? Because he’s Lil’ Wayne, that’s why. He doesn’t need to make an effort to entice a member of the local law enforcement. To Lil’ Wayne, “foreplay” is a synonym for “coward.”
Trying to make dirty puns about sleeping with a cop must be too elaborately hard for Lil’ Wayne, as he doesn’t hesitate to turn the infamous Rodney King beating into a metaphor for screwing. He then follows it up with “But I aint tryna be violent.” If that’s the case, Wayne, pick a new reference point. I don’t want to censor people, but if you relate Rodney King to what you’ll be doing to that poor officer’s bottom half, it’s hard to clear my head of anything but the image of scar tissue.
The Gold Digger
Kanye West is currently engaged to Kim Kardashian, so he never has to worry about inventing fake girlfriends again. He is about to be married to the lady that most people think of when they first start detailing what their own self-invented partner will look like. But with “Gold Digger,” also known as “Ode to Unhappiness,” Kanye West raps extensively about a girl who requires a lot of money solely to keep her in existence.
While the first verse ends with a pseudo-happy conclusion (You get to have Busta Rhymes in your family! How neat is that?), the rest of the song is vitriol. It’s fun to imagine that someone like Kanye West would visit a psychic just so he can keep a better lookout for his perfect match, turning Kanye into a How I Met Your Mother character, but “Gold Digger” might as well be Kanye yelling “Shut up!” over a crowded elementary school cafeteria. I’d like to take a look at the decline in the rate of marriages occurring in the U.S.A. in the months following this song’s release, as “Gold Digger” paints women as all simultaneously doing a synchronized Scrooge McDuck dive into their child support. If I had no prior concept of what females were before hearing this song, I’d just envision them as giant, mocking furnaces.
After spending the first two verses warning men against women who don’t have jobs, but enjoy plastic surgery, Kanye uses the third to warn women about white women. Thus, “Gold Digger” becomes a morality tale. White girls are the light at the end of the tunnel. If you endure the hardship of not being able to pay for dinner for long enough, you’ll be rewarded.
The Bad Chick
Has Ludacris ever been in a bad mood? Even in songs where he’s constantly threatening to kick your ass, one of the prime human indicators of being in a bad mood, he seems pretty enthusiastic about it. If I ever die, and if you read that paragraph earlier about Burnett’s, you know I will, I’d want Ludacris there, to lighten the mood. He can even rap my eulogy if he wants to. Hell, he doesn’t even have to do that. All he has to do is point to my coffin and say “LUDA!” At that point, my family and friends will forget why they even came to the cemetery, and the open bar will commence.
Thus, it makes sense that Ludacris’ girlfriend would be in that position because she is “bad.” Compared to the other fictional women in this list, the girl from “My Chick Bad” has a distinct lack of characterization. She’s also good, doing things that make other, less-talented chicks jealous, but she’s mostly “bad.” I wish I understood rap better.
In the bullet points of qualifiers for attraction that are found in this song, my favorites are that her “body lookin’ like milk,” because she’s dressed in all white, and that she “handles her liquor.” I can applaud your taste in fake girlfriends, Ludacris. I, too, enjoy fine women who don’t puke all over the fucking place.
He then goes on to mention that his “whole crew wanna bone her,” which signifies another way that Ludacris is cooler, and way more chill than I am. He’s totally fine with it. If my friend group all wanted to have sex with a girl that I liked, I’d spend the hour before going to a bar texting every single one of them “Remember what we all agreed on, okay?”
“Kick, Push” is Lupe Fiasco’s answer to “Sk8er Boi,” only without the eventual marriage to Chad Kroeger. I know nothing about skateboarding, and I proved that two hours ago, when I spent four straight minutes wondering what the hell “kick” and “push” meant in relation to extreme sports.
“Kick, Push” introduces us to a complicated romance. Rappers often talk about being “married to the game,” but Lupe tells the girl that he would marry her, but he’s “engaged to these aerials and varials.” Once again, I don’t know the intricacies of skateboarding. My only experience with it is crying until my friend’s mom came outside to see what had crashed into her trash cans. But to tell a girl that you love skateboarding too much to marry someone is so far out of my realm of possible things to vocalize that it might as well be rapped in Latin. In my mind, that’s akin to telling a girl that you can’t marry her because you already put a ring on your paint brush.
He then says that his skateboard “isn’t strong enough to carry two,” giving us the visual of Lupe Fiasco and a girl riding a skateboard at the same time, the greatest motivational poster never made. But she doesn’t care about his whackadoo reasons for not wanting a girlfriend and goes on to show him new skating spots. It’s always pleasant to see such a happy ending in these rap song romances!