3 Reasons That You “Hate” Guardians of the Galaxy

A full trailer for Guardians of the Galaxy came out yesterday, and, like with most things, a lot of idiots on the internet had swift, mindless responses to it, already deeming it “ugh, the worst.” These are three problems that I saw that could be easily fixed with a little thing called “logic.”

1. You Don’t Understand The Point Of Trailers

I dug the trailer. Do I have any idea of what’s going on in it? No, but that’s because it’s a trailer, and I’m okay with that.

Now, before I continue, let me explain what a trailer is supposed to do, because a lot of people seem to misunderstand the entire point of them. A trailer is meant to evoke the most visceral, immediate, excited reaction that it can from the viewer, in order to get you hyped to see the actual movie. It’s supposed to leave you with that quick, breathless, rollercoaster feeling, where you’re left with more wonder and curiosity than actual answers.

People who shout “THAT TRAILER WAS JUST A COLLECTION OF SCENES THAT DIDN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!” are using the same form of logic that would mean getting angry at sandwiches for being collections of bread and meat. A trailer is not a “mini-movie.” It’s not a two-minute-and-fifteen-second condensed version of a two-and-a-half-hour film, where all the expositions and conclusions have been left out, done solely to baffle and anger you. It’s a bunch of scenes that are put together in a way that will hopefully leave you wanting to see more.

I hate that your life has been such a deranged, terrible series of events that it leaves you angry that the raccoon shooting on the back of a tree man needed total context to be enjoyed at this point, but I hope it gets better for you.

2. It’s Not “Dark” Enough

The word “dark” doesn’t mean anything. It really doesn’t. The qualifications for a movie being “dark” seem to be:

1)      Grim

2)      Gritty

3)      Realistic

4)      Also Dark, because using the word “dark” when you’re trying to explain what you want out of a movie is so simplistic that the argument falls in on itself.

Lower the brightness on your TV if you want everything to be so moody all the time. People have started using “dark” as one of the primary ways to tell if a superhero movie is good or not, and also as a way to out themselves as thirteen-year-olds. Once again, this argument against Guardians of the Galaxy might just exist because the trailer left out all of the moments in the movie where people sullenly contemplated the film’s themes, or the part where someone’s love interest was murdered in cold blood. But what happens if none of these stock “dark” moments are in the film. Do you hate it then too? Or do you simply accept that, sometimes, films where actors put on giant amounts of latex armor to fight CGI aliens are going to be silly and fun and lacking in the broad, emotional messes made popular by a completely different series of superhero films, with completely different goals?

There is one right answer.

Take it easy, internet. I bet at least ONE of their parents will be dead.

Take it easy, internet. I bet at least ONE of their parents will be dead.

3. The Batista Factor

I’m not against using pro-wrestlers in films, but I also know that not all pro-wrestlers are going to have the charisma of Dwayne Johnson, or the thunder in paradise of Hulk Hogan. I can’t say much for Dave Batista as an actor, because I haven’t seen him in much. This means that, like me, the people putting Guardians of the Galaxy together probably haven’t seen him in much either. I doubt that the people at Marvel are going to think Hey, remember that big guy from that RZA movie? Let’s make him the dramatic core of the movie. All the weight will be on him to provide the acting prowess that this film needs.

I trust the film makers to use Batista/Drax the Destroyer in a way that compliments the skills that he has. One of his skills is definitely being more muscular than everyone else, so I expect him to smash a lot of space heads into concrete. I also expect him to do a little bit of dramatic acting, because, once again, I trust the people behind Guardians to try and get what the most out of him. They won’t be whipping him from off camera, telling him to either deliver some tears or he’s fired, but they’ll definitely measure him, and see what he can and can’t do.

Awful nerds have this knee-jerk, cartoonish anti-jock mentality, where they imagine Dave Batista ripped a hole in the Marvel Studios set and announced “FUCKED YOUR GIRLFRIEND. PUT ME IN YOUR MOVIE. I WILL MESS IT UP, BUT I WILL MAKE MONEY. HAHAHA. NOW IT’S TIME FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND TOO. LET’S ALL GET PISSED OFF ABOUT MAGIC MIKE AGAIN. THAT WAS FUN.” The recent output by Marvel has been pretty good. I expect that, while Guardians seems wild, it wasn’t just the producers handing director James Gunn a camera and a dumpster and telling him to go nuts. There was some thought behind all of this.


3 responses to “3 Reasons That You “Hate” Guardians of the Galaxy

  1. Dude yer a funny bastard! Laughed through this whole thing, I too have had my fill of movies tryin to out dark each other. At some point it jes starts gettin ridarkulous.
    I of course bein an old dude, out o’ touch n un-hipped on these webilogical events, had heard very little bout this film but am now excited bout it comin out.
    So not only funny but informative..

  2. do you mention how right you were about this at parties. or maybe, just around the house? (i bet you don’t, because ewx2.)

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