5 Spambots Who Are Terrible At Their Jobs

When there’s no more room in hell, the spambots will walk the internet.

You can’t go anywhere without seeing spambots nowadays, all telling you easy ways to work from home, or how profitable it would be to start flipping houses. While people who are just now putting their fingers to keyboards might be tricked by their wiles and by crafty offers of busty females who want sex WITH YOU TODAY, those of us who are a little seasoned in the arts of the internet can spot them immediately, and ignore or delete their comments and emails. And they’re becoming easier and easier to spot. I doubt that there was ever a golden age of spambottery, but current times are undoubtedly a low point.

Here are six dumb spambots that are terrible at their jobs.

Donating To The Sick

Most spambots want your money, and that’s reasonable. Money is an extremely important asset to have. Without money, you usually die. Unless you know how to “live off the land,” but that’s only a small percentage of us. We’re not all Tarzans. I do have all of the Tarzan books saved on my Kindle Fire HD though, so consider me a work in progress.

spambot

This spambot tests our judgment from the beginning by immediately lying to us. I don’t know if Nadir is the real name, or if he is a parasite that has latched onto Ruslan and is now using poor Ruslan as a vessel to speak through, but if you’re going to either A) create a fake account, or B) hack an account, you need to make sure that everything matches up. Don’t start changing your story halfway through saying your own name. I trust people way less when they start sentences with “Hey, my name is Adam,…I mean, haha, Taylor.”

$100,000 is such a specific amount of money that it raises a red flag. That’s the kind of number that’s only found in a Deal or No Deal suitcase, not on a doctor’s bill. When you demand $100,000 dollars, you immediately turn into a 60’s super villain, because that money is not going to be used for anything other than machine gun umbrellas and explosive chattering teeth. $100,000 is ransom money. It’s not so much that it’s a big amount as much as it’s just too neat. It’s a number that pops up in your head when you think What would be a good number to just ask from strangers? At least put some cents on the end of it if you want to be taken as a legitimate spambot.

Why do we have to “forgive everyone?” What did you do that made you so sick, Ruslan…excuse me…Nadir? You’re making this extremely cryptic for us before we search out the bank account that you just posted all over Facebook. It’s honestly making me a little nervous about my future donations. I totally trust that your account number is real and that, with 100,000 donations of a single dollar, you will soon be not “very sick,” but the forgiveness thing is raising too many questions. Best of luck, Nadir. I hope things turn around for you.

Working From Home

It’s everyone’s dream to work from home, because it combines all the joys of desks and beds and financial security, without having to figure out what “outside” looks like. Spambots know that we’d rather procrastinate and jerk off than engage in human contact, so they try to fill us with the hope that, by just signing up with a website we’ve never heard of, we too can make butt prints in every piece of furniture that we own.

work-from-home

Two things before I sign up, George. First, why your co-worker’s sister-in-law? That’s pretty distant in relation to you. You might as well have told us that someone told you that someone, somewhere is working at home. If you say that you’re the one working from home, or that it’s your wife or someone closer, we’re not going to take you as a liar. We’ll let the rest of your statement do that for us.

Second, I know that you bank on us having a short attention span, but holy shit, you’re assuming that we forgot something that you said less than a sentence ago. I’m talking about your co-worker’s sister-in-law making $14552 for only a few hours of work when, earlier, you said that she made $63 an hour. What is your definition of a “few?” If math is to be any indicator, you count a “few hours” as about 231 hours. Do you promise to pick your friend up at his place in a couple hours, and then show up next month? George, buddy, you need to think before you spambot. Otherwise, you just end up looking foolish.

Cheap Healthcare

Like with money, if our health gets too low, we die. The way that health works in RPGs isn’t too different from how it works in real life. Food, sleep, exercise, and medication raise our health. Sickness, poison, and packs of wolves deplete it. Spambots know that we’re very averse to being sick, and also averse to spending large amounts of money, so this ad would be a perfect one-two punch if it didn’t go a little too low with the asking price.

viagra

I’m all for affordable healthcare, but I’m a little wary when it comes to things that control my genitals. If I’m paying only $1.13 to fix erectile dysfunction, it’s almost a cause for celebration, and certainly a cause for alarm.  That’s because, at a certain cheapness, Viagra simply becomes a man standing at the foot of the bed, yelling “You can do it!” If a single Pepsi costs more than regaining a healthy sex life, then where are the news reports of Viagra lab explosions in the back of hillbilly yards? Where are the worldwide condom shortages? I’m not going to spend five quarters (and get back some change) on Viagra until I’m absolutely sure that taking it won’t dissolve the inner lining of my trachea.

The list of dick pills doesn’t stop there, as the spambot also lets us know about the “Super Active” and “Super Force” types of Viagra, making me even more uncomfortable. Naming the different levels of your Viagra’s potency shouldn’t come from the same mindset that produces Power Rangers seasons. Just give me that first kind of $1.13 Viagra, spambot, and if it doesn’t work, at least I’ll have the bladder sores to prove that I gave it a shot.

Sexy Women

The last entry on this list showed you how important sex is to men. It’s only right that I follow it up with the whole driving force behind buying all that Dollar General Viagra: using it for hot women.

When the internet was created, I doubt that any nerds would have ever imagined that it would be used one day for hot women to seek us out and ask us for quick sex. And imagine how heavy our hearts must have been when it all turned out to be a lie. No one wanted to have sex with us, not even computer viruses.

yovonnda

I don’t know why you would start a conversation with “Boo))dearie” because neither I, nor any other man, have any idea of what that means. Is it calling us “Boo” and then misspelling a smiley face, before calling us “dearie”? I already don’t like how clingy “Yovonnda” is, and I’ve barely even gotten through her first one or three words.

“I found your profile via facebook” isn’t a good start for any budding relationship. Just ask every attractive girl who had classes with me in college. Facebook is good for many reasons. It helps me keep up with events and friends, and lets me share my accomplishments and thoughts. However, it is an extremely poor gatekeeper between the land of isolated, shy dudes and the land of ladies who don’t want to talk to them. “I found your profile via facebook” is the easiest way to tell someone that the first date is going to be full of pauses. And if she did indeed find me through Facebook, why couldn’t Yovonnda just talk to me there? For being a fictional, exotic woman with nice features, she sure does lack confidence. Poor Yovonnda.

Nonie sounds awful familiar....

Nonie sounds awful familiar….

Blog Commenters

You’d think, at this point, spambot creators would choose a point of view that isn’t “raving madman.” Every piece of spam sounds like it’s shouting at you from a street corner. If they’re really trying to sell you on Viagra that’s actually just Ibuprofen painted blue, they should adopt the personality of a high-class, British socialite, the most trusted personality type in the world. “I say, dear chap! You’re looking particularly drooped today. I have Viagra here in this zippity locked bag that I found in a dumpster, and it costs less than a pence! What say you, old sport?”

wordpress-spam

All WordPress spam is the child of dementia and a fake email address. Take a look at all four of these comments. In some parallel universe, I’m supposed to think Hey, Pharm443 and Pharmk208! You guys sounds like good people. What’s up? Instead, these comments come off as onomatopoeia for a computer seizure. They’re written in a way that turns them into perfect background noise for Jabba’s Palace. They’re not even selling me anything. How hard is it, spambot creators, to try and trick me with normal words that don’t have excess, stuttering vowels in them? If I’m running to kick your spam football, Lucy, you don’t pull it when I’m still fifty feet away. Take a little pride in your work. Or should I say “Take a kkkkbbbbeddddlittle kkkkpride in your workabbbbbbbbb.”

-Daniel

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4 responses to “5 Spambots Who Are Terrible At Their Jobs

  1. Dear Daniel,
    As always, you are funny. As always, I enjoyed the post. But: (and here she paused, because she had not previously plugged her blog-of-one-reader and was about to mention one of her less-brilliant posts) I ask that you please reference this post of mine:
    http://outlierbabe.wordpress.com/2011/04/29/f-you-women-readers/
    and afterward understand why, as I was happily snickering along in your words, I was unpleasantly brought up short. No huge angst, but still. Here’s the line that snagged my formerly smooth-sailing eyes::
    “Spambots know that we’d rather procrastinate and jerk off than engage in human contact,”
    (REALLY BIG HINT: To equip me for jerking off would require more than modest surgery.)
    I’m thinking of a famous quote by Abigail Adams’s right now. Do you know the one?

    • Jerk off is literally just slang for masturbation. It has nothing to do with the fact that you have different equipment. Plenty of DFAB individuals use the term jerk/jack off, including me.

  2. I realize that terminology coined by males based on male perceptions has become the de facto standard. That does not mean it should be responded to as if it is appropriate terminology to use for all genders, or, in some cases (e.g. pejoratives such as “pussy” and its derivative “wussy”), any genders.

    However, you are correct, Leo, that I was cutting Daniel no slack.

    Daniel, slack now offered, thanks to Leo. I apologize if my assumption of uni-gender-targeted writing was incorrect in this case.

    Thank you, Leo, for this, which I believe was your main point.

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