It’s hard to capitalize on the dating website market. OkCupid, Match, and eHarmony have monopolized disappointment to such an extent that any intrepid, young entrepreneur with the dreams of better helping people find other people to bone has to look into niche areas, like farmers and Christians, to gain success. Another niche group that desperately needs dates are the geeks. From what pop culture has taught us, geeks have never been on dates before, but that hasn’t slowed down their eagerness to put their mouths on things.
People treat “geek dating” like this special category, entirely unrelated to regular, earthling dating. In the dating that you and I both know and feel indifferent about, two people meet, form an emotional and physical connection, and hopefully fall in love with each other. In geek dating, two people make awkward statements until one of them starts speaking in Elven. At that point, they both discover that the laws of attraction don’t apply to them, and they soon get married wearing Stormtrooper helmets. This is a fact.
Because geeks require such specific circumstances in order to entangle their naked bodies, it’s only right that someone would invest the time to create a dating website for them where they could meet, without all the pressure of having to possibly mingle with the awful jocks and cheerleaders. I’ve never been on Geek 2 Geek, but it’s exactly what I’d name a dating website for geeks, if all I knew about geeks was that, sometimes, people called them “geeks.” It’s nice that the person who invented the title of the site knew that geeks like to replace words with numbers, in order to effectively type faster. It’s that kind of attention to detail that lets me know that all geeks’ hearts are in safe, knowledgeable hands when they sign up for a Geek 2 Geek account. Someone finally gets them.
The first thing you notice about this Geek 2 Geek ad is the geek holding the blow up doll. Hell, I’d even go so far as to say that you focus on the blow up doll for a full minute before you actually notice that there are other images and words attached to it. Why you’d include a picture of a blow up doll in an advertisement for fucking anything is beyond me. They’re pool toys that have been recycled into semen depositories, and they’re usually the grossest things on the continent they reside in, unless that continent has a season of The Bachelor currently airing.
Clutching the blow up doll in his Magic: The Gathering stained fingers is the most stereotypical geek you’ve ever seen. I suddenly understand the urge that some people get to shove all nerds’ heads in toilet bowls. It’s this guy right here. With his Charles Manson stare, table cloth shirt buttoned all the way up, and a bow tie to top it off, he’s such a generalized version of what a “geek” looks like that his first encounter with that blow up doll were with the notes that he wrote her, signed with “Anonymous.”
I can think of numerous reasons why the titular protagonist of this advertisement can’t find a date, and most of those reasons reside in locations on that blow up doll’s body, reasons that could double as angsty storm drains. I know that these sewage plants are also “the wrong places” that the advertisement is talking about, but if there’s one thing that the maker of this ad didn’t understand, it’s the leap that goes from heavily breathing in a blow up doll’s ear, to functioning in public with actual human females. It’s not like suddenly getting the opportunity to send messages to like-minded individuals is going to change sociopathic Peter Parker into the romance machine that he knows he is on the inside. The only way that geeky girls have ever ended up with guys who had formerly used a blow up doll as a soul mate are Craigslist encounters that went terribly and tragically wrong.
Maybe I just don’t know geeks well enough, and I’m out of touch with the overwhelmingly nurturing persona that geeky girls take on whenever they see this baby bird with a broken wing, gripping plastic in one hand and a desperate need for soap in the other. Maybe that is what geeks want: to be horrifying until someone likes them. And if that’s the case, keep it up, Geek 2 Geek. You’re advertisements are hilarious, in a basement sort of way.