There comes a point towards the end of every period of drunkenness when you say to yourself “Food, if you can hear me, help.” This is a tough situation to be in in downtown Asheville after midnight, when every restaurant has closed its doors, as if under some culinary equivalent of a V For Vendetta esque curfew. Do you know the reason why every Asheville citizen looks so emaciated under their plaid shirts? It’s because you refuse to feed us after midnight. We’re not Mogwai, city of Asheville. We’re not going to vandalize your mall and steal your snowplows just because you give us some chicken wings in the dark.
Luckily, next to Scully’s Bar & Grille, there sits a hot dog cart. Though it definitely wasn’t my first time engaging in hot dog based transactions at that particular location, it was no less beautiful when I saw it from a distance as I walked up Haywood Street last night. That hot dog cart is an oasis in a desert of “Closed at 9 PM” signs. It was bathed in street lamp glow, made even more heavenly due to a remix of Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse” playing across the street.
There are three hot dog options at this cart, not counting all the different combinations of condiments that you can add. The first is the “Beef hot dog,” for those of you who like your meals gone in three seconds. The second is the “Veggie dog,” for those of you who both like your meals gone in three seconds AND need to get the satisfaction of asking “Umm, do you have veggie dogs?” The third is “The Creature,” which is an adequate name, because when scientists discover that this thing exists, they are totally going to briefly try to study it, and then place it in captivity.
The ingredients for “The Creature” are:
-banana peppers -ketchup
-spicy brown mustard -relish
-sauerkraut -second bun
Now, I might be forgetting one or two of the ingredients, but that doesn’t take away from the beautiful mess of “The Creature,” a hot dog designed to answer the question “What if I took everything I owned and tried to make a hot dog with it?” You might say “Oh, that’s just a hot dog, delivered all the way.” And you’d be right, if you didn’t count the second bun, laid on top of it like a roof to contain this fucking delicious piece of art. Wrapped in tin foil, and never failing to partially drip down your hands, “The Creature” is to ordinary hot dogs what Michael Bay is to regular explosions.
A much bigger explosion.
If you’ve never had a “Creature,” you owe it to yourself to try and improve your life. If you’re in downtown Asheville, and you think that you’re going to write “Supertramp” on the side of Southern Kitchen and Bar and call it quits for the forever, just know that, if you can make it just a few more steps, you’ll find your salvation. Oh, hot dog cart in front of Scully’s, we owe you our lives.
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