Facebook + Video Games + Sex = SUCCESS

In two previous articles, I explored the allure of vague sex and the allure of vague video games. Both of these things, by themselves, are billion dollar industries.

But what if someone could combine them? Wouldn’t the person who finally put both pieces of that puzzle together successfully get all the money? Mainstream video games have featured sex before. Each God of War game manages to include at least one cut scene that ruins a twelve-year-old boy’s perspective of both sex and women for life, and for over a decade, every Grand Theft Auto game has left a legacy of hidden porn, just waiting to be found by the people who seem to have confused the action/adventure/crime game with a dating simulator.



This game doesn’t have a title, nor does it necessarily need one. When you’re dealing with a girl dressed entirely in rubber and erotic motorcycle parts, a title is just something that you mash A to get through quicker. The biggest question here is a personal one: Why is this a “Suggested Post”? My online activity over the years has been, for lack of a better term, uneven, but I tend to stay away from anything that would let Facebook robots compute “This seems like the kind of guy who would caress a pillow with a cartoon character on it. SELL. SELL. SELL.”

Promoting a mysterious, sensual videogame on Facebook is a good move, because when people who make the choice to have sex or play video games aren’t doing those things, they’re on Facebook, posting about what they’d like to play next, or telling a girl who’s recently broken up with her boyfriend “if u need to talk, im hear.” One of the keys to making people aware of your brand on any platform is giving that brand a memorable name that the public can remember, something the game developers have refused to do with “Untitled Tire Store Sailor Moon Game.” However, they have named their Facebook brand “3 Friends Played This,” which is kind of cool, because who doesn’t like a nice, likeminded friend every once in a while?

But then you have to ask yourself “Are these friends of mine?” and “Why are there only 3?” Creating a video game is an arduous process. Unless they’ve spent multiple years on it, the most three friends can accomplish is deciding which site to torrent the game creation software off of. I wouldn’t trust 3 friends to set an alarm clock. And that’s not a diss on my friend group, but decision making with three of your friends usually boils down to someone saying “Screw it. We’ll all just be unhappy.”

When people say “they want something banned,” “they” is usually either Jesus or the police. Since this is on Facebook, where thousands can see it, it’s probably the former. And since it doesn’t have a title, I can’t research what group wanted this game gone, so I can only assume that, somewhere, a sect of Christian people have seen footage from a game constructed by people who can’t even be bothered to come up with a name for it, and were outraged. “God will not be pleased with whatever it is we’re supposed to be looking at here!” they said, maybe.

The game is free, and this is a definite plus. I can take one look at what is probably either the main character, or the main objective for the hero’s boner, and tell you that the controls for this thing will be repetitive or entirely unresponsive. When a game is rated “18+,” that means that it will require an adult’s level of patience usually, and when it’s rated 18+ AND the female character is dressed up like the victim of a leather shop accident, your entire playing time will consist of sighing and hoping that clicking the dialogue option of “Let’s talk more about your past” will lead to doing it, and then the credits.

Fantasy games have a recent history of trying to chip away at what little fun they had in them to begin with, so neither “Shocking” nor “New Fantasy Game” is very appealing. The ad then gives us a warning that we should play at our own risk, because this is highly addicting, and I realize now that all three of those aforementioned “friends” are dead. A limited number of people becoming obsessed with a single piece of questionable media is how shit like The Ring gets started, so I’m not even going to think about clicking on the web address that they give me at the bottom. At worst, I don’t need to die a horribly disfiguring death, and, at best, I don’t want to give the internet any notion that I might want more games about anime girls wearing kitchen instruments flooding my Facebook feed. Trust me, games about anime girls wearing kitchen instruments….

If I wanted you, I’d come find you.


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