Just So You Guys Know, I’m Going To Ruin My Own Party

Hey, guys. Thanks for coming out, really. I know that you’re all suuuuper busy, and I haven’t seen you in, like, six months. How has everything been, ya’ll? That’s awesome! It’s so cool to finally spend some time with you. Oh, I’ve been drinking since, like, 2. Yeah, I had some people over and we played beer pong and Circle of Death. But have fun! There’s drinks over there and there’s some music and Circle of Death and stuff. Do you guys no anyone here?  No, that’s cool! So what have you guys been up to? How is school, man? Hold on, someone asked me to take a birthday shot. Be RIGHT back.

Oh, shit. Come on, guys. Loosen up! I haven’t seen you in forever! Hugs, guys! Come here. Have you guys met Devin? Devin’s hilarious. You guys would get along with Devin so well. Where is he? Oh, well. Okay, stay here. I’m going to be back in a second. Stay right here.

What are you guys looking at me like that for? Haha, I’m really drunk. Really. Do you guys trust me? It’s just so good to see you guys out. I feel like I never see you guys anymore. Remember Junior year? Oh, shit! SHAWN’S HERE! SHAWWWWWWN.

Hey, do you guys wanna go downtown? No, you can’t go home yet. Work, shmerk. I have to wake up at seven too. Come on, please. Please come. Awesome! Okay, hey. We’re gonne take different cars. Can you guys give Tommy and Brit a ride? No, they can, just, like, get a cab home. How many seats does your car have? Perfect! Okay, I’ll text you when we figure out where we’re going to meet up.

Did you not get my texts? Oh, man, I’m so sorry. I thought I texted you like an hour ago. Man, damn. Where did you guys go? Were you really just driving around? Oh, shit. I feel AWFUL now. Hold on. Shawn, you have my cover right?

Of course, Abby wouldn’t show up. Of course! OF. FUCKING. COURSE. Whatever. I don’t care. I don’t. I really don’t. Just shows you who your real friends are.

Come on, guys! Dance!

Dude, okay. Where’s Shawn? Hold on. Can someone text Shawn and tell him that we’re leaving? Nothing, I’m just kind of tired of it here. Do you guys want to go to that rooftop bar? Who’s driving me over there? I am NOT walking. No, please go! Come on, guys. I’m turning twenty-nine! This is like, my last birthday before I’m thirty.

Okay, so, apparently I have to leave because I spilled something. Like, off the roof, but it totally wasn’t my drink and now I’m being kicked out. This is bullshit. Hold on. I think someone’s calling me. No, it’s fine, Abby. I’ll see you when I can see you. I know you’re busy.

I’m gonna go puke behind here. Hold on.

Nooooo, because Shawn won’t pick up and he was my ride. Hey, guys. Can you, like, give me a ride back to my place. It’ll be cool. It’ll probably just be me and you guys and a few other people chilling.

Oh, man. Thank you so much.

I love you guys.

-Daniel

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One response to “Just So You Guys Know, I’m Going To Ruin My Own Party

  1. If you have a friend or relative who went this route, sorry, Daniel. (Daughter and sister of recovered alcoholics, ex-partner of not-recovered one.) Effective monologue, whether or not based upon personal experience.

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