Whatever A Spider Can 17: “The Revenge Of Doctor Magneto”

spider-man-dvd-menu

Last week, I mentioned the disc art of this show, in which the villain Rhino became some sort of melted Elephant Man/seagull turd. Today, I took notice of the DVD’s Main Menu, which has Spider-Man swinging (as it should be, since that’s what he’s most known for), through a lava lamp display of pink and purple. In the background, Electro looks up in drowning futility. I don’t know who designed both of these, but they did it with the intention that no one should ever get far enough into this thing to click “Play.”

PLOT

This story is called “The Revenge Of Doctor Magneto. “ If you weren’t aware, Magneto was primarily an X-Men villain. Jesus, creators of the ’67 Spider-Man cartoon, how much blood needs to be shed? You’ve taken Spider-Man, but, please, no more.

spider-man-lighthouse

The show starts out with Spider-Man sitting on top of a lighthouse, during a storm, watching a ship that’s getting rocked around in the waves. I can commend Spider-Man’s persistence in not looking for crime, but waiting around in places that he believes crime might take place. He’s usually very accurate about this sort of thing, so I can’t make fun of him too much. Though it also says another thing about the show’s writing, which doesn’t really create conflict for Spider-Man to deal with, as much as it just starts a plot and Spider-Man happens to be in the neighborhood of said plot.

To go with a character that looks like Marvel Comics’ Magneto would’ve been a strain for the animation department, a team that huddles into a collective ball when told that the characters need to move, so they dressed an old man into a Magneto cosplay outfit (a single red cape) and stuck a magnet gun in his hand, a magnet gun which turns off the lighthouse light. Cut to the title screen. That’s it. That’s the scene that’s supposed to get kids excited about watching the rest of the show. Just buy them socks next time, Marvel. At least you’ll get some kind of reaction from them.

magneto

Apparently Magneto didn’t get the recognition he wanted from his scientist peers, which is fairly light in comparison to today’s Holocaust survivor Magneto, but in ’67 Spider-Man terms of character development, it’s a proper prompt for attempts at genocide.

spider-man-webbing 1

Spider-Man saves the ship, and Magneto attempts to destroy a train track. Spider-Man is able to fix the problem though, with a little web ex machina. Then, the Daily Bugle attempts to frame Spider-Man for his involvement in the train track destruction/fixing, because it can’t be a real ’67 Spider-Man story without him getting blamed for another person’s crimes, can it? This literally lasts four seconds, before it cuts to Magneto getting angry, and I’d like to think, at this point, that it wasn’t really the writers running out of ideas as much as it was a producer’s fetish. “Ooooh, yeah, Spider-Man. Mysterio stole the jewelry, but the police said you stole it. Oooh, yeah. Say them quips. Oooh.”

spider-man-statue

Dr. Magneto steals a statue and puts it on top of the Empire State Building, threatening to drop it onto the streets below. And that’s almost a legitimate scheme! But never one to let his web not be able to do fucking everything, Spider-Man foils him again. Then, Spider-Man finds Magneto’s name in a coffee table book of scientist names, and heads out to fight him, and has his web repelled by the magnet gun.

Finally, something stops that stupid wedding, regardless of how even more stupid that new thing is.

But, like the webbing, the magnet gun starts gaining about a thousand new powers a second, and just before it can start talking, Spidey one ups it with his web again and hits it hard enough to make it explode. Spider-Man says that he made this special webbing “anti-magnetic,” but we all know that it’s just regular old Spider webbing that will fix all problems if you believe in it.

spider-man-fights-magneto

ANIMATION WOE

Just look at this guy. He’s all the woe a show can handle.

magneto 2

AMAZING SPIDEY QUOTE

Peter Parker: I know I’ve heard that name before…

Once again, just look at the photo below.

magneto-name

Create a name for a character? Why would they? I can’t wait for next week, when we meet Ernest P. Venom.

-Daniel

For more Spider-Man, go to Episodes: 12345678910111213141516,

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