Excuse Me, But This Hot Felon’s Picture Is Making Me Uncomfortable

Hi! I’m uncertain about myself. I’m glad we got that out of the way!


I was browsing my Facebook News Feed again this morning, and I noticed that you posted the picture of that felon. You know, the one with the skin tone that is just light enough to make it a particularly bothersome factor? Well, as you’ve probably heard, it seems that a bunch of ladies that I don’t know, and will never know, wrote some things about how he was “hot” and that he should “kidnap them any day.” Now, I don’t know if you knew this, but there’s a grand part of my psyche that makes me angry whenever any female attention isn’t directed towards me. Any time a woman acts out of the line that I have mentally set for her, a wave of outrage washes over me. Women? Not liking me? It makes my blood boil.

You understand.

I also have a very limited understanding of the sensationalism behind viral media. It’s why I posted that picture of the soldier, with a caption that said “Why would women like a picture of a felon, when they could be writing passionate love notes to this disfigured soldier?” I have a problem wrapping my head around the fact that, when I click the page with that felon on it again, just out of spite (it’s a complex), I am basically handing that website money. I’m part of the problem, but I’m seeing so much red right now that all I can focus on is “This is a terrible thing that shows the degradation of modern morality! In no way is it a marginal population of idiots being dumb on social media. It’s indicative of our whole culture! Grrr. Skyler White ruined the show.”

Please take it down.

Will this pass? Based on my knowledge of the subject, it won’t! Rather than be popular for four days and then forgotten about forever, what this viral picture tells me is that, one day, my daughter will parade her ethnic boyfriend through the house, laughing as they play on their smart phones and shoot me twice in the chest. My sanity is slipping. How in the hell can people be so insensitive towards men that aren’t an online picture of a criminal that they don’t know? The female population is doomed! The male population is doomed! Fuck!

Time to refresh the page, and click on that picture of what looks like warts on someone’s nipple. That will help take my mind off things.

I can’t stop this spiral!


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