Charlotte native Alex Dillard revealed today that, despite being thirty-three-years-old and having thirteen years’ worth of consistent sexual experience, he is still unsure of what the word “coitus” means. The Account Executive for Growth Marketing remarked that, at certain points in his life, this ignorance of a key part of the English language has troubled him.
“Is it, like, foreplay?” Dillard asked reporters, desperate to uncover the truth after all these years. “I know that there’s ‘post-coitus’ or ‘post-coital’ or whatever, but I really have no idea what the actual act of ‘coitus’ is.” While Dillard is single, but a member of several dating sites, he fears that, one day, his lack of erotic mastery will become evident. “My dating pool is getting older and more sophisticated. I feel like it’s just a matter of time before I’m about to make a move, and she’ll ask me to do something…coital. I really need to know, guys.”
While Dillard says that his complete unawareness to the basic tenants of sex are usually not noticeable to the women that he finds himself getting intimate with, he says that it’s only a matter of time before it all comes crashing down. “Honestly, it just sounds like the word ‘coins’ to me,” Dillard admitted, sounding exasperated. “I feel like a fraud.”