There is nothing worse than having your partner cheat on you. But with these ten tips, you can escape with only enduring two weeks’ worth of shame and regret, instead of the usual six months.
1. Weird things show up on their credit card bills. Why would they go to Olive Garden if they weren’t making out with someone all over the endless soup and salad? Check the seat of their pants for endless soup and salad. You’ll find your answer there.
2. They become very moody. Give them coffee. They’ll realize the error of their ways and have a happier morning. Mondays, am I right?!?
3. They don’t want to touch you as much anymore. You try to give them a hug and they hiss at you and speak in tongues. You try to give them a peck on the lips and their faces melt away, revealing nothing but the grinning visage of death. If you meet the grinning visage of death, there’s a chance your significant other is fooling around behind your back.
4. They begin to leave the room when they take calls. You walk into the room after them and there is no one on the phone. There isn’t even a phone in their hands. Your partner stares back at you, almost through you. Your mother’s instincts were correct.
5. You try to look them in the eyes, and they look away, and then, when you look again, you see that their pupils are getting all narrow, like in a science fiction movie, where a person’s genes get spliced with an animals, except this time, their genes have been spliced with that of their asshole boss Nick.
6. They change all of their passwords on all of their social media accounts. You find this out because you check them. This relationship is already one of paranoia and jealousy. Quit it. Also, all of the new passwords are things like “ianisbetterthanroybutroywillalwayshaveaplaceinmyheartitwasjustbadtiming” and “theguiltiseatingmealive.”
7. They start dressing better. Why are they wearing a tuxedo to the dollar store? Why do they need to put on a tie in order to walk the dog? Think about this. Who needs to wear Union Civil War regalia when they’re “working late?”
8. He calls you a different name in bed. Let’s say that your name is Rachel, and suddenly, in the throes of passion, he mutters “Fargo,” which is a great show on FX. You should all watch it. He has great taste for a scummy adulterer.
9. He begins showing blatant interest in others on social media. If he, suddenly, begins liking The Rock’s posts on Instagram, be wary. Your boyfriend may be sleeping with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and you should move out.
10. They’re having sex in front of you. They know you are there. This becomes the prologue of your new novel. Sales are mediocre, but one critic did call it a “delightful romp.”