The How-To Guide for Writing About Asheville

Writing about why people should move to Asheville is a popular and lucrative industry, like flipping houses or the job that your friend’s hacked Facebook page tells you about where some mom earns seven thousand dollars a day working from home. I’m here to help you get a little piece of that success with a step-by-step guide for writing articles about Asheville. With this simple outline, you’ll be earning the big bucks in the exact same way that everyone who writes a list about Asheville is earning theirs’.

Nestled in the heart of the Appalachian Mountains is Asheville, North Carolina. Something about a medium sized town. Something about local flavor. Here are ten reasons. Awkward lead in.

Restaurants. Mid to high price ranges. Gives everyone the illusion that Asheville has a median income of about $65,000. Best barbecue/Indian food/Thai food in the state. Mention West Asheville and downtown locations only. East/North/South Asheville aren’t even real things, as far as anyone is concerned. Vegetarian friendly. Steak friendly. Hugs.

Hippie joke. Hippie joke. Drum circle reference. You’re hilarious. Keep going. The world needs you. Asheville needs you. A line about culture, maybe? Insulting another city (Charlotte and Atlanta work well for this.) More stuff about culture.

Biltmore. Historic information. Stock photo of a couple in their early thirties enjoying Biltmore. Two things you can do at Biltmore. Damn, guys. Biltmore.

Nightlife. Make sure to include a line about people in their twenties to make potential readers feel at home. Bars are popular. People go to bars. You’re almost half done, and well on your way to earning that $12 that your editor promised you. Don’t give up now.

Talk about mountains as if the people reading have never heard of what a “mountain” is before. Do the same for hiking and Frisbee golf. You’re only a 2/5/7/10/15/20/22/25 minute drive away from beautiful forests and trails. Fitness and yoga are things too.

Bluegrass and music stuff. I know that you already listed “culture,” but don’t mention any dreadlocks here. orangepeellogo.png. Thesaurus.com search for words that mean “culture.” Picture of some guys with their acoustic instruments.

Sustainability. Going green. Here in Asheville, everything is windmills and solar panels. Something about caring for natural resources. Maybe even mention recycling if you’re feeling pressed for time. A nice thing about the environment. If it’s a plastic bag, it isn’t Asheville.

Make this one a humorous entry. Add a gif from Orange is the New Black. Perfect.

Beer. Invent a number of breweries. No one’s actually going to fact check. Trust me. Asheville has seven million breweries. I, personally, have three breweries in the second bedroom that I’m paying $520 for.  “Asheville has a terrible dating scene.” “We don’t need anyone else to move here.” Prepare for stuff like those last two sentences in the Comments section. They don’t know, though. They’re not writers who live in Arden.

It doesn’t matter, really. People were on your side by the time you started talking about that “mountain” thing. Rephrase something about culture. I don’t know. You should really try to finish your novel.

-Daniel

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