(I wrote this in the fall of 2012 for a site called 604 Republic. Sadly, that site is no longer in existence, so I’m going to be posting the articles that I wrote for them here. I will also do this for the things I wrote for The Smoking Jacket, as they seem to have removed my articles, and the articles of many other funny people, as well.)
Many fantastical things don’t actually exist in real life. Bigfoots, Mechagodzillas and Hulk Hogans are the first things that come to mind when I think of demigods that rule, but aren’t biologically feasible.
However, despite scientific evidence that proves otherwise, geeky girls are alive and thriving in the real world. Now, before you pass out due to all the blood that just rushed to your erections, read up on how you can nab one of these medical anomalies. I understand that the steps should be as easy as a game of Pokemon Snap: Just toss apples until you can distract her long enough to thrust a wedding ring onto her hand. But it’s a bit more complicated than that.
Look For Friends First.
I really enjoy sitting and reading comics, to an abnormal extent. And if I could telepathically project any loneliness I have out into the world to ping off of a willing lady like some hot girl Cerebro, I would be lauded as both a genius and a pioneer. I don’t have that power, though, and I regret it every day. Every. Day.
So, I have to go out and meet girls. I personally enjoy the bar scene, because when I’m drunk and talking about how much I loved The Raid: Redemption, I’m a magnet for romance/poor decisions, but if that’s not your style, look to other avenues. Dating websites will suck your soul out and then down-vote it, but there are a massive amount of places that have events that will most likely feature something you’re interested in. Look for friends first, rather than someone who looks like they’d bear your powerful spawn with dignity. If your first argument is “No girls would ever show up to that!”, then you’re already losing the battle.
Not all women keep a Princess Leia costume on the ready. I know that this might seem like some ploy to keep the world from breeding, but it isn’t. Women don’t do a lot of things that apply to what you might be “looking for.” As geeks, we’re often searching for very specific things. We’re obsessively interested in our chosen hobbies, and that carries over to what we seek in a partner. But, trust me, you probably won’t find a girl that matches you exactly. If you could, I wouldn’t be able to type this article between all the sex and discussions about Charles Bronson movies that I’d be having.
But that’s what makes it cool. She’ll bring stuff to the table that you never expected. And thus, you might become a fan of things that you were never receptive to before. Except My Little Pony. If a girl is into that, don’t trust her. You’ll wake up wrapped in spider webs and missed text messages asking if that post on Tumblr was referencing her.
Just as she brings new things, so must you. When I was younger, if a girl was interested in things that I didn’t know about, I immediately rushed out to become an expert in that. Thus, I know a creepy amount about Grease, volleyball, different types of carbohydrates and football, and I legitimately care about none of those things. Attempts to make yourself perfect for her by copying whatever she likes will seem clingy and unnatural. Chemistry often occurs through discovering new things about the person you like, and by showing up one morning saying “I haven’t slept the past few nights, because I really love Ultra 7, you know, that show you hinted at once.”, she’ll expect you to follow it up with “Your skin would look so good as a couch cushion!” (Note: If any woman reading this enjoys Ultra 7 enough to drop hints about it, please contact me. I will love you too.)
Once you find someone who shares your interest, it’s very easy, especially if you haven’t been in a relationship for a while, to throw everything at them at once. You’ve heard the phrase “Just be yourself” and I totally stand by that. But your self often doesn’t include getting so excited that it almost seems sarcastic. There are going to be a lot of things that you’ll want to show this girl, in between making out. But all of these things can be excessive when shoved into someone’s face at the same time. And if you thought that the last two sentences can be applied to jokes about genitalia, I am right with you.
I know that, secretly, you like it when a woman texts you multiple times in a row. It makes you feel wanted, which is a feeling everyone enjoys. And women like it when you text back. But there comes a point when texting back a lot isn’t always great. You’re a geeky guy, so, obviously, women have shown you the ridiculous ways that other men have texted them. Usually it comes in the form of “fifteen different ways to ask, at 5 AM, if the woman is awake.” You say to yourself “I’d never do that,” and then you do, because you’re eager and joyous, and both of those things can turn men into annoying idiots.
I hate to use the term “special friend” because it implies vans and offers of ice cream (lies), but that’s the best way to treat women you’re trying to date – as a friend who is special. Make it clear that you like them more than everyone you’re not trying to clean up your bedroom for, but not so much that the woman feels the buzzing in her pocket and thinks Oh, great. The original Japanese Final Fantasy III cartridge guy again.
All Standard Rules Apply.
They aren’t aliens, mostly. Everything that usually applies to women applies to them as well. Except for the part about laser hands. I didn’t mention the laser hands that geeky girls possess? Well, shit. Good luck and keep your wits about you. The encounter will be a grave one.