(I wrote this in the fall of 2012 for a site called 604 Republic. Sadly, that site is no longer in existence, so I’m going to be posting the articles that I wrote for them here. I will also do this for the things I wrote for The Smoking Jacket, as they seem to have removed my articles, and the articles of many other funny people, as well.)
At one time, the internet was full of money. Nigerian princes used to offer me millions through email, daily, and I had never even met them. But, ever since the world collapsed, money has been harder to come by. Kickstarter operates on the basis that that collapse never happened. Want something done? The internet will surely like it enough to pay for it!
These are ten Kickstarter campaigns that wanted your money, and did everything they could not to get it.
David L. Wetzell isn’t the best at staying on topic. He spends the first half of his page telling you nothing about the book he is trying to write. If you asked David what his favorite color was, he’d spend your day telling a story about how he came to discover that he liked colors. And even the line he gives you at the top “A love story with Jesus as its’ heart, based on a “riddle” in the Gospels of John and Luke.” Is just vague enough to frustrate me.
David lists his project as about four different damn things, so I’m not sure whether I’m funding a “book” or an “oral performance” or a “two-part play” or a “Kickstarter Optimization Plan.” David needs to focus less on what his book is not about and more on what medium he’s using to give us this…something?
Jasper Flare promises a lot. He says that he will “revolutionize pop culture” and “stereotypes” and I’m still not sure that he knows the definitions to any of those words. If I re-read it, I could probably find Jasper’s promise for a “free bikini girl massage” somewhere in there too.
If you donate twenty dollars, Jasper promises to thank you through “any form of social media.” Thanks for the shout out, Jasper. You’ll be like “Thanks, Dan!” and I’d be like “Viva la Jasper Revolucion!”
The man only known as “james” doesn’t need help starting the Hunter S. Thompson inspired show. A Johnny Depp impersonation doesn’t cost anything but your pride.
He needs help with gas.
This Kickstarter campaign is the equivalent of a mooching friend who doesn’t want to take the bus. I half-expected “james” to ask for a bite of my sandwich in his promotional video.
Eric Reese is a smarter man than I am, and one who will go to any lengths to fund whatever he babbles about for most of the page. As his picture, he’s put a photo of two children. If you click the photo, you’ll find out that it’s Eric and his sister as children. If you don’t, though, they’re just two random kids, caught in the cross fire of the nonsense that Eric calls a “project.” Thus, this campaign will probably the plot of a future Steven Seagal film. Eric wants his money, and he’s got the kids. Steven Seagal will stop at nothing to get those kids back.
Steven Seagal is…Kickstarted.
Is there a less marketable name to promote your project as? Two different titles for the “phone sex horror movie” genre? It’s almost unappetizing. They might as well list it as “What are we doing (aka 1-900-NOT-FILM) haha my toilet burped.”
I’ve never seen a page filled with so many words that counted for so little. It calls having an affair “the ultimate human drama”, so eat it, Schindler’s List. Genocides and actual dramas mean nothing in the face of horny spouses. It gives excerpts from some of the stories, to tantalize us, but they seem to forget that these stories are about affairs. The human body is conditioned to feel awful when hearing about this. “Would you like to pay money to see how a family is torn apart? Intriguing, no?”
Meredith Brown tries to get money for a project in the same way she writes a grocery list – in an incoherent message to people and to the stars, that you’re sure to summon at least four demons by reading. Meredith calls it a “portal” and I know enough about the relatively easy creation of portals to stop there.
Also, this is just Phase 1. Imagine if this campaign had gotten funded. Phase 2 would be nothing less than a cannon to shoot a tiny Meredith into the pilot seat of an octopus brain.
There is nothing lamer than reading the back of a musical comedy CD. I hate to say that something is lost in translation, but when your track listing usually consists of things like “Clinton’s At It Again” and “I Said To Go, But She Farted (The Fart Song),” you’d have a better chance of amusing an audience with puppets made to look like dead pets. Arrhythmic Banging seems to be a bit more high brow than this, but, in the case of songs like “Breaking a Tambourine with My Penis”, seeing truly is believing.
Dear (unsuccessful) Makers of Samurai Shadow: A samurai ninja Japanese ghost tomb comic,
The most important aspect of creating something is deciding on what you’re actually creating. I don’t know what a “samurai ninja Japanese ghost tomb” is, but I can only envision that its stitches haven’t healed and that it’s currently a sick, shrieking mess.
This movie looks absolutely hilarious. What’s that girl shrugging about? Probably something sooooo stupid happened. And that guy with a knife! People don’t use knives like that! And then there’s the dude in a thong holding, the boom mic! He looks so bored! But how could he be bored? This is all so crazy! Here, movie. You can have every cent I own! This is just too insane to miss!