For years, the internet has offered me cheap ways to fix all forms of erectile dysfunction. And, for about the same amount of years, I’ve ignored those cries for acceptance. However, I feel like it’s time to give some of these unspoken heroes their due, while accusing the worst ones of being pharmaceutical atrocities. Can you rank how bad someone is at being a Viagra robot? For the sake of this list, yes, you totally can.
I don’t think I can trust anyone whose last name is X, especially when they’re selling me things that are meant to transform my body in miraculous ways. Being named “Calida X” just tells potential customers that someone named Calida once created an android version of herself that went rogue.
DR. MAXMAN 09
The elder of the Maxman brothers, DR. MAXMAN 09 likes his erections like he likes his letters: in all caps. He promises both “growth” and “girth,” which, technically, are the same thing, but I do give him points for being assertive. If I was forced to choose one of these doctors to tell my problems to, I’d probably choose DR. MAXMAN 09, since he seems to the most likely to end the appointment with a party and shots, which is exactly what I’ll need in those dark times.
Dr. Maxman 4
The youngest Maxman, Dr. Maxman 4, is a little more reserved. In fact, he seems uncomfortable with his whole profession, which is not something that you want when you’re trying to buy dick pills from strangers on the internet. Aesthetically, “expected” just doesn’t have the same umph to it that guaranteed does. Also, Dr. Maxman 4 brings numbers into the thing, which makes it all math-ey and complicated. Out of the Maxman siblings, he might be the one with the stable marriage, but Dr. Maxman 4 would be lying if he said that, every time his brother announces “Amazing! V I A G R A at the LOWEST price!” at a bar, only to receive the laughs and admiration of his peers, he wasn’t jealous.
Let me preface this by saying that Dr. Nylander’s skills as a medical professional are not at fault here. Far from it. It’s just that her social skills could use a little work. Telling girls about your new asset is almost the exact opposite of what you want to do. As we’ve seen from the trials of sports players and actors, shouting about your best quality is the most awkward and useless way to deflect the allegations that you’re a terrible person. And despite how forward and confident it may seem, there are better ways to flirt than immediately bragging about dong size and then nothing else. Perhaps a joke about how crowded the bar is, or even a handshake might be a little more appropriate.
Mrs. Dalila Santoy
If you’ve ever used the word “long” or “hard” in a sentence, congratulations on your creation of an effective dirty pun. And my deepest sympathies if you’ve ever used both of those words in the same sentence, as it was probably followed by a chorus of “That’s what she said!” that echoed into the infinities. The same usually goes for “short,” but even if Santoy was intentionally going for wordplay, she did so in the most depressing manner possible. “I’m selling Viagra, but we all die anyway,” is not the greatest way to promote your fake internet product. Hell, it’s not even in the top ten, and number ten is just “We all die anyway.” You’re trying to give these people hope, Santoy. Don’t let flimsy morality get in the way of that.