In response to the fear-mongering and sensationalism brought on by a bunch of news outlets running headlines like “EBOLA COULD BE IN YOUR MOM!”, the nation’s wittiest pun crafters have rushed to internet comment sections in a race to create the best play on Barack Obama’s name. One would think that these were written by sixth graders being homeschooled by their illiterate fathers, but, alas, these were all penned by grown, functioning people. Political stances aside, if you’d like to prove a point, the worst way to start is by creating stuff like this and hoping that everyone who isn’t doing exactly what you’re doing right now will take you seriously.
There’s no way to make this work phonetically. If you decide to make the “Obam-” prefix recognizable, the best you’ll get is an Arnold Schwarzeneggar pronunciation: “Obam-ahs-hole.” If you want to put the emphasis on the “asshole,” you get “oh-bam-asshole,” which makes it sound like your yelling it over your shoulder at someone who just bumped into you. It’s a no-win situation.
How many seconds did it take to come up with “Obola?” One? Two, maybe? Words and stuff are hard, but “Obola” goes to show us that the days of quick wit are not over. In fact, they’ve only just begun.
Odummer and Moocow
Taking precious time that you could’ve spent trying to convince other people that Obama is opening the borders in order to allow a wave of diseased immigrants into the country and using it to call the First Lady “Moocow” makes this guy a martyr of a cause that I’ll never fully understand. Was there a press release documenting Michelle Obama’s secret rendezvous with the scientists that remove her human skin to allow the hidden farm animal underneath some breathing room that I don’t know about? That’s the only way that this insult would hit its mark.
Calling Michelle “Moocow” means two things. The first is that you hate women to a degree that you’re willing to call them anything if it means cursing your own impotency. The second is that you’ve obviously never seen Michelle Obama, or Michelle Obama in a sleeveless shirt. There would be logical clarity to this pun if Michelle Obama was just a jar of mayonnaise and pig’s feet personified. If that was the case, we could reply with “Oh, because she’s overweight. I get it. Also, you’re still an idiot.” But Michelle Obama looks like the kind of person who shouts “Focus! Two more! You may dream of donuts, but your NIGHTMARE IS ME.” while you’re doing bicep curls. The hot kind of person.
Sometimes, when you want to insult someone, you just throw as many words as you can into a single effort and hope that, against all odds, something sticks. This takes the base word “Democrats,” and shoves in no less than three things that are sure to make non-OdumbocRats say “Sick burn, non-OdumbocRat!”: Obama, dumbo, and Rats. It’s a Frankenstein monster of a pun brought to hideous, shuffling life. The “O” addition is the equivalent of lazily slapping “Mc” on anything that you morally disagree with, because every joke ever made that somehow harkens back to McDonald’s is hilarious.
Then he left hooks with the “dumbo,” and uppercuts with “Rats,” meaning that he trusts the kind of people who would come up with “OdumbocRats” to constantly remember to capitalize the R. In the company of the person who concocted “Odummer and Moocow,” I’m sure that will be a success.
There are a few assumptions in this that haven’t been proven yet, and won’t be proven until the ObamaCare website posts “Update: Everyone in the U.S. must get Ebola and die.” When that day inevitably comes, I’ll be the first to say that I judged the man who invented “Ebola-Care” wrong, and so will the rest of the world’s population.
If you didn’t know, a while ago, someone made a fake student ID with Obama’s picture, and the name “Barry Soetoro” on it. It was the McLovin of conspiracy theories and barely worked as humor, much less as a baffling cause to support. Calling him “Other Barry” displays a willful ignorance to things that are undeniable lies. To this guy, the earth might be round in pictures, but those pictures were doctored by the government. The earth is obviously shaped like the pyramid eye on the back of the dollar, and it is always watching.
0bola is my favorite sequel in the Cube franchise.
After repeating Obola, a commenter sheepishly contributes “Ebozo?” He is immediately rewarded by having it included in the more confident commenter’s deck of “playable Obama characters.” The latter man also adds “Virus-in-Chief,” because his kind of crazy knows no boundaries.
The Barack Plague
Ever feel the urge to state your opinion, but have no real way to do it, so you actively try to think of something clever? That’s what this commenter did, with a parody of a nursery rhyme that hints at Ebola, but mostly surmises that Obama is spreading the disease through his fingertips, kind of like an X-Men character invented solely to mirror real-life events, and then forgotten about when people actually start reading the news.
This is my favorite one, because I imagine a man watching TV and then emphatically stating “Oh…bummer!” whenever the President is onscreen. He then looks around at his family. His kids are disinterested. His wife thinks of the neighbor. He is alone.
Obamalamadingdong. Well, how about that? Everyone, you can stop digging now. We’ve struck oil.