Past Daniel: Hey, guys! Squirrels and Pepsi cups! Sorry. I just get a little random sometimes, and if you don’t like it, then don’t read it! Go sit out in Canada for all I care, but don’t eat any yellow snow! Anyhoo, here are the five best comedy things that have ever happened, ever. Tell your mom about it, and she’ll laugh ‘til she farts jelly beans.
Present Daniel: Humor is extremely subjective. I say that to take some of the pressure off of myself, because, before I learned to love anything good in my life, I had abysmal taste in comedy. And there’s no better way to illustrate that than by picking five scenes that were the pinnacle of American humor back in 2002. Tell your mom about it.
RAT RACE: HITLER’S CAR
Past Daniel’s Interpretation: Okay, so Jon Lawrence is driving his family in Hitler’s car and he ends up at this, like, veteran’s meeting. And then, oh man, he looks like Hitler, because he got some stuff smudged on his upper lip, and HAHAHAHAHAHA, the old guy starts shooting at him. It’s so good. I have the VHS, maybe.
Present Daniel’s Interpretation: Rat Race is a movie that’s constantly torn between being serviceably funny, and painfully, vengefully embarrassing. Rowan Atkinson is good, and the only thing saving this scene is the fact that Jon Lovitz’s voice has always sounded to me like the wind coming from a person slowly getting crushed to death.
THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS: BUNNY
Past Daniel’s Interpretation: Okay, so this movie is pretty weird, so you might not like it, fifth grade girl I have a crush on. But it’s so funny when the big, stupid dude sees the Easter Bunny and yells…hold on. Let me get my voice right for it. Hold on. No, he doesn’t say “Hold on.” I don’t….okay. “BUNNY.” You’d have to see it. He does it better in the movie.
Present Daniel’s Interpretation: Still holds up. I know that the joke about this movie launching a million Goth teens’ wardrobe choices is pretty well worn, but I’d totally buy one of those little patches that goes on your black hoodie if they made one that looked like axe-in-the-head guy.
8 CRAZY NIGHTS: DEER POOP
Past Daniel’s Interpretation: Okay, so the coach says “It’s times like these that make me want to do the robot dance.” And then that “Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto” song starts playing and HE DOES THE ROBOT DANCE. It’s just so random. I’m going to rewind it. I just want to see it again, Dad.
Present Daniel’s Interpretation: At one point in this movie, Adam Sandler challenges a group of mean strangers to a game of basketball, which I think is a scene that happens in about 9 different Adam Sandler movies. The bet is that, if the strangers lose, they have to eat a fat guy’s jockstrap. They do lose, and, to get revenge, they end up burning Sandler’s trailer home. And when Sandler finds them torching the place, there is a quick reaction shot of one of the arsonists, and he’s still chewing on that jockstrap. It’s an admirable amount of dedication to a sight gag, and I hate this movie for it.
SCARY MOVIE 2: “I CAN DO IT MYSELF”
Past Daniel’s Interpretation: Okay, so, like, are any teachers around? Okay, so, like, the dude in the wheelchair is talking to the hot girl, and she’s about to, like, you know…(Daniel makes terrible gestures in the air to get his point across), and then he’s just like (does more terrible gestures.)*
Present Daniel’s Interpretation: Oh, poor, dumb Daniel. If anything is going to be even remotely hilarious in the Scary Movie franchise, it’s the “Take my little hand!” scene. It’s the single, memorable joke from five movies’ worth of cinematic immolation.
*I’m not going to make you suffer through this one. – Present Daniel
D3: THE MIGHTY DUCKS: “ROLLER BLADING MISHAPS”
Past Daniel’s Interpretation: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HE’S SO FAT AND HE’S….ROLLER BLADING! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!
Present Daniel’s Interpretation: The Mighty Ducks series is nostalgia in the purest sense. It’s got one identifiable moment that has embedded itself in the annals of pop culture (Quack. Quack.), and I can’t remember any other part of it. It’s not a forgotten treasure waiting to be unearthed, and it isn’t a total letdown when you decide to fill a boring Sunday afternoon with it. “Quack, Quack” with abandon, children. You’re doing no harm here.