It’s almost time for the Oscars, which means that it’s already time to be furious about the Oscars. But rather than get mad about other people’s taste in movies, I’ve decided to jumble my britches about the lack of good Oscar categories. Here are seven categories that the Academy needs if they really want to be taken seriously this time around.
Best Example Of How Awful Everything Is: The Legend of Hercules/Hercules Reborn/Hercules
It’s truly odd to have to describe something as “the other movie about Hercules that came out this year,” and “the other movie about Hercules that came out this year that isn’t that other Hercules movie that also came out this year.” In a rush to capitalize on a character that audiences might care about, and to capitalize on that possible capitalization, three Hercules movies were released in 2014, and one was almost decent. That doesn’t mean that you can’t make a good movie about Hercules, but it does mean that maybe the process of coming up with a movie idea shouldn’t always be finding out that you have $100 million dollars to spend and pulling a name out of your “recognizable mythologies” hat.
Best “I Have To Show This To Everyone I Know”: The Guest
About once every two years, a movie comes out that I have to screen for everyone I know. Previous winners of this award include The Raid and I Saw The Devil, but by the end of 2014, it became clear that I was going to show The Guest to every friend and family member I had until I didn’t have anyone left. I consider everyone I’ve ever met who I haven’t watched The Guest with yet a “missed connection.” Some people are bonded by deep feelings and experiences, but if I catch the eye of a person who has sat beside me while Dan Stevens terminator’d his way through a killer synth soundtrack, I know that our love is for real.
Best Loss Of Audience Interest: Bryan Cranston’s Death In Godzilla
Now that he’s been immortalized by Breaking Bad, anything less than a badass quip followed by multiple explosions is going to seem like a slight to every role that Bryan Cranston signs on for. Therefore, it’s almost like director Gareth Edwards didn’t get the memo when Bryan Cranston died from “bridge collapsing in the background” complications in Godzilla. I went to see that movie twice in theaters, and both times, the people sitting around me felt as if they’d been slighted by some kind of rule-breaking.
Didn’t the guys making this thing know that you DON’T kill off Cranston unless that death is the focal point of the whole thing? Godzilla is about a giant monster getting murderously pissed off that two other giant monsters want to bang and then only fighting them for eight minutes, and the biggest disappointment in the room is always the breaking of that basic law of filmmaking: Unless you have something rad to say, you don’t say it to Bryan Cranston.
Best War Horse: 300: Rise of an Empire
The idea of making another 300 film was okay, but I don’t know a single person in the world who was clamoring for it. 300: Rise of an Empire is, honestly, neither better nor worse than 300, but it does include infinitely more (only one) horse-galloping-across-the-decks-of-multiple-sinking-ships scenes, and for that alone, it earns my recommendation.
Most Storylines Started: The Amazing Spider-Man 2
I love it when a movie becomes so successful and is so well constructed that it gives creators the opportunity to organically expand further into the universe that the first movie established. Or, they just go the route of The Amazing Spider-Man 2, and turn the film into a salad of possible storylines. Every fourth sentence in that movie could be used as the catalyst for a possible Spider-Man sequel or spinoff film, meaning that instead of pacing or structure, we get about nineteen prequels all hastily taped together. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 had some cool action sequences and the chemistry between Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone was good, but it’s hard to become invested in a movie where the moral is “There will be many more of these, whether you like it or not.”
Best Thought Catalog/Elite Daily Article To Be Turned Into A Movie: That Awkward Moment
Aren’t emotions weird when you’re in your twenties? Isn’t love in the age of social media and texting complicated? What a bummer it is to fall in love with someone, only to discover that they’re just a millennial looking for a hook-up! That Awkward Moment was meant to appeal to all of the potential readers of an article with a similar title, as it contains just as much quality content. Isn’t it crazy to have your life summed up into generalized click bait? So true!